Thursday, February 18th (Day of the Bachelor Party)

Brian: Nate, what the fuck are you doing here?
Me: Really, no one says hello anymore.

Rachel: Did you text Eric and tell him you’re here?
Me: Sure did.
Rachel: What did he say? Where is he? When are he and the St. Louis crew coming back?
Me: He said, "Cool."
Rachel: That’s it?
Me: Yup.
Rachel: That’s like nothing.
Me: Hey man, as long as it’s cool.

Steve: You ready to go out on the town and hit the strip clubs?
Me: Yup. Except I’m not allowed to get lap dances or touch any strippers. Girlfriend’s orders.
Jim: He’s like a Gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.
Steve: Yes, first Hangover reference of the bachelor party. We are ready to go!

Me: Peek, of all the places we could go to kick off your bachelor party, you pick the dog track.
Peek: Yup.
Me: This place sucks.
Steve: Why do you say that?
Me: Because look at it. It’s nine o’clock at night. The only people left are the crème de le crème of losers. This place is like a bus station with shitty entertainment. It’s disgusting and wrong. We need to hit a strip club.
Steve: Yeah, because there’s nothing disgusting or wrong about strip clubs.
Me: Now you’re getting it.

Stripper Kimora: Can I see your nipples?
Me: No.
Stripper Kimora: Can I feel them?
Me: No.
Stripper Kimora: I’m gonna feel them.
Me: You are feeling them.
Stripper Kimora: I’m gonna feel other things too.
Me: Real friendly place you got here.

Stripper Eden: I’m thirty-two and I’ve got a five-year-old girl.
Me: I have an erection.
Stripper Eden: Why don’t you get a lap dance?
Me: I promised my girlfriend I’d be a good boy.
Stripper Eden: By your tone I can tell you’re not often a good boy.
Me: And from my penis I can tell you have cold hands. Jesus, this place is really friendly.

Steve: We’re leaving this place. None of the strippers will break any rules… Jesus Nate, only one of your eyes is open.
Jim: Barely open.
Me: I’m pretty sure I’m wasted.
Steve: Fuck, I keep forgetting about the fucking tiger.
Me and Jim: Huh?
Steve: It’d been a while since a Hangover reference.
Jim: What a re-tard.
Me: You mean, retard?
Jim: That’s what I said. Re-tard.

Friday, February 19th (Day of the Wedding Rehearsal)

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Rachel: Nate, you need to shower and wash your clothes. You passed out with your clothes on and got antiqued with corn meal.
Me: Are you drinking champagne?
Rachel: Yes.
Me: Can I have some?
Rachel: Only if you clean up.
Me: I think you’re mean.

Jim: You know, the entire wedding party with parents will be coming soon for the rehearsal. You should probably put some pants on.
Me: They’re in the dryer. Besides I like drinking champagne in my underwear.
Rachel: And I like watching you drink champagne in your underwear.

Jim: Dude, would you please put some pants on? It really bothers me that I have to ask you twice.
Steve: Wow. I did not think we’d find a use for that Hangover reference.
Jim: I’m pretty sure I would have said that if I hadn’t seen the movie.
Peek: Here Nate. Put these on until your clothes dry.
Steve: Fuck. I keep forgetting about the fucking tiger…

Peek: Here you go guys. Customized Vans shoes for all my groomsmen. They even have totems on the back to symbolize aspects of your personality.
Jeff: I got light sabers because I’m not enough of a total dork.
Jim: I got a duck in the crosshairs because I love hunting.
Brian: I got cheese because my nickname is Cheese. Awesome.
Me: I got middle fingers. Why do I have middle fingers?
Jeff: I don’t know, geez. You think maybe you’re kind of a dick?

Nick: Jordan, you think you could lead that wedding ceremony again but without your Southern accent?
Jordan: No. I highly doubt I could very well talk without my Southern accent.
Nick: You could at least give it a try.

Me: Dude, we rehearsed the shit out of that wedding.
Brian: We kicked that rehearsal’s ass.
Jim: No one rehearses weddings like us.
Me: We should do that for a living.
Jeff: I think that’s impossible, Nate.
Peek: Whoa. Check out Buzz Killington over here.
Brian: Jerk.

Me: Did we play baseball with citrus fruit last night?
Brian: We most certainly did.
Me: Good.
Brian: Good?
Me: Yeah, I needed an explanation for the chunks of grapefruit in my hair.
Brian: That’s actually an orange.
Me: Good to know.

Saturday February 20th (The Wedding Day)

Kari: Nate, I’m sorry about what I said last night.
Me: Me too.
Me: Jim, why did your wife just apologize to me?
Jim: I don’t know but I remember that at some point during the rehearsal dinner you turned to her and said, "You know what, Kari? Fuck off!"
Brian: You also told the father of the bride to go out into traffic and play hide and go fuck himself.
Me: Wow. I suck.
Steve: Actually, it was kind of funny.
Jim: Yeah, don’t feel bad. It’s entertaining.

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Me: Jim, me and the other groomsmen have a question for you about the wedding day.
Jim: Okay.
Me: It’s a logistics thing.
Jim: Dude, we’re walking fifty feet. I find it hard to believe that you have questions.
Me: And yet we still do.

Me: Okay, my girlfriend will be here in like twenty minutes and I haven’t seen her in three days so she’s gonna be totally surprised that I’m still upright and healthy.
Steve: Dude, ever since you woke up every third word out of your mouth has been a desperate groan. You’re pretty far from fucking healthy.
Jeff: Yeah man. Have a beer.
Me: I fucking hate you.

Me: Hey baby.
Mywoman: Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Me: Of course I brushed my teeth this morning.
Mywoman: Did you shower?
Me: Christ, you know I’m not a total fucking idiot.
Mywoman: You smell bad.
Me: I love you too.

Jeff: Your girlfriend just backed into that pole.
Me: Dude, if I had a nickel for every time she tells me how to drive, I’d be rich. And if I had ten bucks for every one of her dents, I’d be able to afford a wedding present. She’s always hitting stuff.
Jeff: But she is cute.

Me: I can’t believe the fucking limo driver is an hour late. Peek’s gonna be late to his own wedding.
Mywoman: Impossible. He’s the groom; they won’t start without him.
Me: It was a joke.
Mywoman: It wasn’t a good one.
Me: Whatever. Go hit another stationary object.

Steve: Sorry we’re late. MapQuest took us on some crazy route.
Rachel: I thought you took a limo.
Steve: It was a Hangover… ah forget it.

Kari: You know, when you’re sober, you seem like a really nice person. It was real cute watching you dance with the little flower girl. You should be sober more often.
Me: But then I wouldn’t have these bitching shoes. They have middle fingers on them.

Nate’s note: These snippets are dedicated to the marriage and longtime happiness of Eric and Melanie Peek. And to my bitching shoes.

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