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Julian Asange's picture

I'm Still Inside This Ecuadorian Prison

Julian Asange birthday party hat

What it do? It's your boy SANGE-Cock here! AKA Dr. Dick Nuts McTesticle Balls AKA Mr. Ashley Garmany, D.D.S. (Daily Dick Sex) AKA The Official Priest of the Insane Clown Posse AKA Julie N. Asange AKA The Leak Master General AKA Leaks for Days Free the Gays AKA DJ Wicky-wicky-LEAK, son AKA Ku Klux Klan Frequent Lyncher Miles Rewards Program Customer #428809771. Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

“KC, Your Father Wants to Have a Talk With You”

KC Freeman crying

"Your father wants to drive you to the airport and have a talk with you," my mom said.

Even at the ripe young age of 32, these words from my mother scared the crap out of me. I was on my way to fly back to Korea after coming home to the USA for about a month vacation from my job and life as a university professor overseas. Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

Why I Don't Hike with My Dad

Casey in thoughts

KC: Hey Dad, what happened to your watch?

DAD: Why the hell would I wear a watch? I don't have anywhere to go, I'm retired. Dumbass. Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

The Famous Korean Zipper Tie Makes an Appearance

Casey Freeman wearing a suit with no tie

My mom still enjoys going to church every Sunday. She's never forced her beliefs on anybody except for my brothers and me. My dad will holler at us to get moving, but he only comes along on special occasions, and even then it's at a challenge. As it is, I'm usually the only one who attends church with her. She paid for four years of Catholic high school, so she's going to get her money's worth, gosh darn it. Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

Why I Still Rent DVDs at the Store

Men in Black II poster

I used to reorganize my Neflix queue about once or twice a day. But when I moved to Korea, leaving that wonderful service behind made me feel truly sad and alone. Read More »

Nathan DeGraaf's picture

Observations Move to Russia

Russian woman holding axe

I don't know about you, because, how could I?—we don't even know each other. Nothing personal, I just, well like I just said, I don't know about you. Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

My Coffee is a Hard Pill to Swallow

Coffee mug made out of coffee beans

I've never met anybody with a lower tolerance for caffeine than me. I generally drink about half a cup of coffee and I fly around town for hours. Read More »

Court Sullivan's picture

The Sumo Emperor: Fit for a King

Sumo Emperor Beanbag Chair

For the third time in history, the good folks at Sumo sent me their latest plush beanbag furniture, this time the Sumo Emperor. I say "furniture" because the Emperor is more than a chair, it's a living room centerpiece, and it's not going to be dragged out of sight easily (it's heavy) or willingly (it's too comfortable). Also, although I questioned the use of "good folks" in my last article about the Sumo Sway Couple, I can safely say that anyone willing to provide three pieces of top quality furniture over the course of six years must be "good folks," even if their favorite food is kale (not a known fact). Read More »

Copernicus Thunderbird's picture

An Open Letter to the President Concerning Welfare Reforms

Obama food stamps

Dear President Brocko Bomma,

My name is Copernicus Thunderbird and I would like to discuss some very serious issues with you. Before I start, you should know that I am homeless, unemployed, and what my last therapist sometimes referred to as "mentally colorful." Despite these many hardships that I have endured over the years, I am still a proud man. It is because of this pride that I have never once applied for food stamps or those little milk and cheese coupons that illegal immigrants live off of. Read More »

Tom Eydmann's picture

Whatever You Do, Don't DIY

Chair DIY fail

When I was younger I was told by my old man that when you live with a woman there are four important things that you as the alpha male need to take control of: the recycling, the maintenance of the car, the garden, and the cooking (so long as it's either steak or BBQ). Of course, if I mention this to him now then he strongly denies it. I have also never seen him cook anything more than toast in his life. Read More »

Copernicus Thunderbird's picture

You Shall Be My Bride, Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian in wedding dress

I've been tabloid stalking you, Kim Kardashian. I know you're all alone now. You're all used up. Damaged goods. How old are you now, 32? That's like a thousand in dog years, Kim. What are you doing with your life? Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

The One Thing You Can't Do on the Family Computer

Casey sad face

Last time I returned home I didn't bring my own computer, so much of my day was wasted waiting for the family PC to open up so I could start doing important everyday things like checking email, buying stuff from eBay, and wasting time on Facebook. Read More »

Tom Eydmann's picture

Big Primpin': How Girls Prepare to Get Laid

Hot girl putting on red lipstick

"Do you know I've noticed now I'm getting a little bit older that my right testicle is beginning to hang slightly lower than my left one. More and more every day the gap increases. I'm not sure if it's the right one dropping or the left one rising but when I hang my willy over the top it's beginning to resemble a percent sign." Read More »

Casey Freeman's picture

Nobody Cares About Your Favorite Pen

Casey with a broken red pen

I'm a writer. Depending on who you talk to, I'm a good one, an okay one, or a really annoying shitty one. While my computer ranks as one of my most important writing tools, I'm still a bit old-fashioned. I look a good pen. I don't prefer expensive ballpoint stuff or feather quill things, but I like a nice fine-point Click-a-Bic. Read More »

Julian Asange's picture

This Might Come Off as Insensitive, But Those Chicks in Cleveland Probably Had It Pretty Chill

Now okay, yeah, those chicks who were locked in that Mexican dude's house in Cleveland for 10 years were probably denied some things that we consider an almost essential part of a normal life (cell phone, communication with family, etcetera), I'll give you that, but STILL. They had it pretty damn chill if you think about it. Hear me out. Read More »

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