The world is one crazy ass place. And we don't have to look too far to find examples proving that the world is a crazy ass place. Right around the corner from you somewhere are samples of oppression, torture, rape, murder and mayhem. A divided culture wasting all of its time fighting each other while the powers that be laugh at our ignorance; we are the clueless bastards of a beaten culture. Read More »
Tom: You ever miss Florida?
Me: Only when it's cold out, or when I want to go to the beach or when I get horny.
Tom: So, every day then?
Me: Pretty much.
Lacey: Tina's having a rough time with her breakup.
Me: Well, divorce can be tough.
Lacey: Oh, not the one with her husband. The one with her boyfriend.
Me: Of course. Read More »
Today the Pope decided that it's cool if you're down with the big bang theory and evolution. He's getting laid back, that Pope. But you still can't fuck with his car. That's an ass whooping waiting to happen. And don't even think about looking at his shoes. Dude's style is not for sale. Read More »
Don't fucking tell me that this really puts sports into perspective. When Heath Ledger died, motherfuckers weren't running around telling me that this really puts Batman into perspective, or movies into perspective. Just because I love baseball and I love the St. Louis Cardinals does not mean I lack awareness of the fact that sports are entertainment. Read More »
Jack sat across the restaurant table from his date Judy, watching her play with her phone.
"That annoys me," he said.
"What?" she asked not because she wanted to know what annoyed him, but because she had not heard him. Read More »
Kevin: Hey man, can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure man, but it has some issues when you flush it so—
Kevin: Don't worry man, I wasn't planning on flushing. Read More »
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone start a phrase with "If I had a nickel," I honestly could not even give you an estimate the number of nickels I would have but it would be way too many nickels for one person to hold and be all walking around flinging nickels at homeless people, that's for damn sure. Read More »
She told me I could have my way with her, but she didn't know how much clown makeup, frosting and kitchen utensils my way involved. So now I'm the bad guy because she didn't do her due diligence. Women: never ever accountable no matter what happens. Read More »
What it do? It's your boy SANGE-Cock here! AKA Dr. Dick Nuts McTesticle Balls AKA Mr. Ashley Garmany, D.D.S. (Daily Dick Sex) AKA The Official Priest of the Insane Clown Posse AKA Julie N. Asange AKA The Leak Master General AKA Leaks for Days Free the Gays AKA DJ Wicky-wicky-LEAK, son AKA Ku Klux Klan Frequent Lyncher Miles Rewards Program Customer #428809771. Read More »
"Your father wants to drive you to the airport and have a talk with you," my mom said.
Even at the ripe young age of 32, these words from my mother scared the crap out of me. I was on my way to fly back to Korea after coming home to the USA for about a month vacation from my job and life as a university professor overseas. Read More »
KC: Hey Dad, what happened to your watch?
DAD: Why the hell would I wear a watch? I don't have anywhere to go, I'm retired. Dumbass. Read More »
My mom still enjoys going to church every Sunday. She's never forced her beliefs on anybody except for my brothers and me. My dad will holler at us to get moving, but he only comes along on special occasions, and even then it's at a challenge. As it is, I'm usually the only one who attends church with her. She paid for four years of Catholic high school, so she's going to get her money's worth, gosh darn it. Read More »
I used to reorganize my Neflix queue about once or twice a day. But when I moved to Korea, leaving that wonderful service behind made me feel truly sad and alone. Read More »
I don't know about you, because, how could I?—we don't even know each other. Nothing personal, I just, well like I just said, I don't know about you. Read More »
I've never met anybody with a lower tolerance for caffeine than me. I generally drink about half a cup of coffee and I fly around town for hours. Read More »