Jack sat across the restaurant table from his date Judy, watching her play with her phone.
"That annoys me," he said.
"What?" she asked not because she wanted to know what annoyed him, but because she had not heard him. Read More »
Kevin: Hey man, can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure man, but it has some issues when you flush it so—
Kevin: Don't worry man, I wasn't planning on flushing. Read More »
If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone start a phrase with "If I had a nickel," I honestly could not even give you an estimate the number of nickels I would have but it would be way too many nickels for one person to hold and be all walking around flinging nickels at homeless people, that's for damn sure. Read More »
She told me I could have my way with her, but she didn't know how much clown makeup, frosting and kitchen utensils my way involved. So now I'm the bad guy because she didn't do her due diligence. Women: never ever accountable no matter what happens. Read More »
What it do? It's your boy SANGE-Cock here! AKA Dr. Dick Nuts McTesticle Balls AKA Mr. Ashley Garmany, D.D.S. (Daily Dick Sex) AKA The Official Priest of the Insane Clown Posse AKA Julie N. Asange AKA The Leak Master General AKA Leaks for Days Free the Gays AKA DJ Wicky-wicky-LEAK, son AKA Ku Klux Klan Frequent Lyncher Miles Rewards Program Customer #428809771. Read More »
"Your father wants to drive you to the airport and have a talk with you," my mom said.
Even at the ripe young age of 32, these words from my mother scared the crap out of me. I was on my way to fly back to Korea after coming home to the USA for about a month vacation from my job and life as a university professor overseas. Read More »
KC: Hey Dad, what happened to your watch?
DAD: Why the hell would I wear a watch? I don't have anywhere to go, I'm retired. Dumbass. Read More »
My mom still enjoys going to church every Sunday. She's never forced her beliefs on anybody except for my brothers and me. My dad will holler at us to get moving, but he only comes along on special occasions, and even then it's at a challenge. As it is, I'm usually the only one who attends church with her. She paid for four years of Catholic high school, so she's going to get her money's worth, gosh darn it. Read More »
I used to reorganize my Neflix queue about once or twice a day. But when I moved to Korea, leaving that wonderful service behind made me feel truly sad and alone. Read More »
I don't know about you, because, how could I?—we don't even know each other. Nothing personal, I just, well like I just said, I don't know about you. Read More »
I've never met anybody with a lower tolerance for caffeine than me. I generally drink about half a cup of coffee and I fly around town for hours. Read More »
For the third time in history, the good folks at Sumo sent me their latest plush beanbag furniture, this time the Sumo Emperor. I say "furniture" because the Emperor is more than a chair, it's a living room centerpiece, and it's not going to be dragged out of sight easily (it's heavy) or willingly (it's too comfortable). Also, although I questioned the use of "good folks" in my last article about the Sumo Sway Couple, I can safely say that anyone willing to provide three pieces of top quality furniture over the course of six years must be "good folks," even if their favorite food is kale (not a known fact). Read More »
Dear President Brocko Bomma,
My name is Copernicus Thunderbird and I would like to discuss some very serious issues with you. Before I start, you should know that I am homeless, unemployed, and what my last therapist sometimes referred to as "mentally colorful." Despite these many hardships that I have endured over the years, I am still a proud man. It is because of this pride that I have never once applied for food stamps or those little milk and cheese coupons that illegal immigrants live off of. Read More »
When I was younger I was told by my old man that when you live with a woman there are four important things that you as the alpha male need to take control of: the recycling, the maintenance of the car, the garden, and the cooking (so long as it's either steak or BBQ). Of course, if I mention this to him now then he strongly denies it. I have also never seen him cook anything more than toast in his life. Read More »
I've been tabloid stalking you, Kim Kardashian. I know you're all alone now. You're all used up. Damaged goods. How old are you now, 32? That's like a thousand in dog years, Kim. What are you doing with your life? Read More »