While enjoying my vacation back in the USA, I took my mom out for a little date-type thing. We shopped at thrift stores, washed her car, chit-chatted all day, and then ate all types of fondue at The Melting Pot. The latter was one of my favorite memories of being back in the States. So I told a friend about it and he said, "You ate fondue? That's so gay! With your mom? That's even gayer!" Read More »
Thank you so kindly for the invitation to your Friday evening soiree. It is with deepest apologies, soberest regret, and widest emotions that I must inform you I will not be able to attend, however. Read More »
There's this super neat thing we get to use to track page views and stuff called StatCounter. I love seeing the creepy search terms that lead people to things I've written here. When someone googles something especially weird, I add it to this list. I'm not sure what it says about me that "masturbate horses to make them run faster" leads to shit I've written, but okay. Incidentally, does that work? Now I'm curious enough to google it and suddenly my search history is 20% creepier. For the record, results are inconclusive enough that I'd put off rustling Seabiscuit's jimmies at least until a day when there's nothing good on TV. Read More »
Modern life is shite. It is almost universally accepted that things are not as good as they used to be. Nuclear war is ever imminent, terrorists keep trying to spoil our fun at national events, and any young girl under 16 doesn't stand a chance of not being sexually abused at least 3 times before she turns 20. Add to that the fact that you have an 87% chance of being stabbed on your way home from work every day; the constant reminder by our fat, coughing bodies that we all eat, drink, and smoke too much; mutated flu viruses threatening to wipe us out on a daily basis; and the ever present looming threat of the sun exploding just for the hell of it. But is it really so bad as the papers make it out to be? Read More »
Alright New Pope, I guess you're here to stay. I've been holding off on writing this because I kept thinking it was a hoax and Old Pope would come back at any moment to resume his post. He'd say, "Just kidding, guys, I'm back, get this jerk-off outta my chair." You'd pull off your hat and admit that you were actually Arnie the janitor and we'd all have a good laugh. But nope, not the case. So I think it's time that you answered some of my questions. Read More »
We lost a lot of money last night. Last night's live blog was a disaster and I'd like to formally apologize on behalf of our two biggest sponsors for it, Cheetos and the National Institute for Suicide Awareness.
Full disclosure: Cheetos is a sponsor of this post.
Thus the following changes will be instituted across Points in Case: Read More »
Daddy's back and ready to crack some jokes and some soda pops as we watch the NBA Finals together tonight. You know there's gonna be some Bucks-Heat action, some Celtics-Knicks versus each other, and fucking goddamn is that fucking the Nuggets versus the Golden State Warriors? You bet your fucking dick it is! Watch the live blog below and send your comments!! Read More »
Lisa: She said she couldn’t believe that we would treat her like that on the anniversary of her mother’s death.
Dan: Like we’re supposed to know when her mom died.
Gordon: We should totally make that a new Facebook setting. We could start a new Hallmark trend. Read More »
I needed to pick up my cousin's car for my trip to my Grandma's house a few hours away. Scott, my cuz, works as a firefighter in LA, so he left his keys with a friend at the fire station. Unfortunately, the Super Bowl was going to start in 12 hours or so, and Scott needed to do his job as a life saver. Thus, I needed to find my way to his car. I saw his ride and breathed some relief that it wasn't anything big like the giant minivan my mom made me drive. Read More »
A few months ago a friend of mine and I had too much to drink in a few too many bars. We laughed, we ate a jalapeno pizza like only two men whose stomachs are lined with iron and the dreams of unicorns are able and we left. Read More »
Whenever there's some kind of mass killing or attack in this country, it totally ruins my productivity at work. I'm like, "Whoa, hey, who can think of work at a time like this? People died. American people. Maybe even good American people. No fucking way am I being productive right now. What a tragic world." Read More »
In case you don't know (likely) or don't care (even more likely), the winningest pitcher of the St. Louis Cardinals' 2012 season makes his return to Busch Stadium the Third (the only stadium with a trust fund and a ski-lift pass) tonight at 8 PM Eastern against the Milwaukee Brewers. Read More »
Korean kids nickname just about every teacher. Like most nicknames, they just pop up. Maybe your nose is big, your hair is yellow, or you talk with a stutter. In Korea, as a sign of respect, instead of calling you Mr./Mrs./Ms. Smith, they call you Smith Sun-sang-nim, which means "Smith Teacher." Read More »
Hey there, Lil Wayne. Heard you got sick. Well, if you're reading this, and I can't imagine why you wouldn't be, I just wanted to let you know I feel really bad about what happened. In a way I feel I'm partially to blame. In fact, you might even say I'm completely to blame. Look, Lil Wayne, I have a confession to make: I put blizzeach in your syzzurup. My bad. I also put roach powder in your weed and heroin in your toothpaste. Read More »
For those of you wondering, I've decided to come out of hibernation long enough to bless you scumbags with a quick rant. It's not much, but tough shit. You can read it and like it or go to Hell. Read More »