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Quick Jokes
Top Ten Uses for a Dead Cat
By Scott Goodyer July 24, 2008
| Comments (10) | Share
10. Hide the body under your couch. Then invite your friends over and get super stoned. Bet somebody $100 that with only using your mind...you can make your cat's heart stop beating.
9. Keep your cat in your car. If you ever get into a car accident, jump out with the cat, lay it down on the ground, get down on your knees and yell out: "NOOOOO! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!" (If you have a child in the backseat watching this, make an even bigger deal out of wanting to change positions with the cat.)
8. If someone owes you like 20 bucks or something, then cover the cat in fake blood and slip it under their bed sheets when they're sleeping.
7. Ever feel like the Nothing is coming? Then get out the cat, straddle it and close your eyes to let Falkor take you to Fantastica to find the Ivory Tower, where the Childlike empress lives.
6. Wanna meet the devil? Make a pinata and place the dead cat inside it. Whichever kid goes for the cat...THEN THAT'S THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE!!
5. Wanna make your old grandma think she's in the future? Confuse her by waking her up at 3am with techno beats and a strobe light. Then gallop into the room with your cat riding your back with a little crown on its head. If she doesn't bow down to the future King, then she’s not falling for it… or having a heart attack.
4. When performing magic in front of some kids, pull out the dead cat from a box and tell them you will bring it back to life. Put the cat back in the box, yell out some wizard spell, and then pull out the same dead cat and be like "FUCK!"
3. Pull up to a McDonald’s drive thru and place your order. Then place a second order, but suddenly change it. Then yell out things like "Fucking make your mind up!" and "FINE, but I’m not paying for that!" Then pull up to the window alone with your dead cat in the passenger seat.
2. Keep it around the house to show the other nine cats what exactly is going to happen to their bodies after they die.
And the number one use for a dead cat is…
1. Gotta bring something back from the dead after reading Harry Potter and feeling fuckin' pumped!
9. Keep your cat in your car. If you ever get into a car accident, jump out with the cat, lay it down on the ground, get down on your knees and yell out: "NOOOOO! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!" (If you have a child in the backseat watching this, make an even bigger deal out of wanting to change positions with the cat.)
8. If someone owes you like 20 bucks or something, then cover the cat in fake blood and slip it under their bed sheets when they're sleeping.
7. Ever feel like the Nothing is coming? Then get out the cat, straddle it and close your eyes to let Falkor take you to Fantastica to find the Ivory Tower, where the Childlike empress lives.
6. Wanna meet the devil? Make a pinata and place the dead cat inside it. Whichever kid goes for the cat...THEN THAT'S THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE!!
5. Wanna make your old grandma think she's in the future? Confuse her by waking her up at 3am with techno beats and a strobe light. Then gallop into the room with your cat riding your back with a little crown on its head. If she doesn't bow down to the future King, then she’s not falling for it… or having a heart attack.
4. When performing magic in front of some kids, pull out the dead cat from a box and tell them you will bring it back to life. Put the cat back in the box, yell out some wizard spell, and then pull out the same dead cat and be like "FUCK!"
3. Pull up to a McDonald’s drive thru and place your order. Then place a second order, but suddenly change it. Then yell out things like "Fucking make your mind up!" and "FINE, but I’m not paying for that!" Then pull up to the window alone with your dead cat in the passenger seat.
2. Keep it around the house to show the other nine cats what exactly is going to happen to their bodies after they die.
And the number one use for a dead cat is…
1. Gotta bring something back from the dead after reading Harry Potter and feeling fuckin' pumped!
10 Comments
Oh thank god you are back.
hilarious
All Hail- Goodyer has returned!!
Ironically, I sacrificed a cat to bring Goodyer back to PIC.
Welcome back. Boots will be remembered always for her sacrifice.
My cats,Jefferey and superman, are still alive actually, what should I do with them?
Cuddle or something?
Please don't say kill them!! That just seems wrong on some level!
Funny column, but if you come up with some advice for the live pusses let me know!
Know what my friend did with a dead squirrel? He put it in the golf bag of this real disagreeable prick. They were on the same team, and for about a week this dude was walking around the course, sniffing the air, and complaining that it "smelled like shit around here". The entire team was in on the joke, and nobody could keep a straight face. The smell was so bad other players wouldn't walk near him. Finally someone told him and he turned the bag upside down, and out fell this carcass. Obviously, there's something funny about the right kind of dead animal...
I just laughed so hard, I weeped a little.
. When performing magic in front of some kids, pull out the dead cat from a box and tell them you will bring it back to life. Put the cat back in the box, yell out some wizard spell, and then pull out the same dead cat and be like "FUCK!"
boediger
front of some kids, pull out the dead cat from a box and tell them you will bring it back to life. Put the cat back in the box, yell out some wizard spell, and then pull out the same
kill all cats!
They *are* evil.
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