1. Consider the climate.

Before you even leave the house, you’ll have to decide which restroom is the bestroom for YOU.

  • Are you set at ease by the porcelain wasteland that is the men’s room, with its strictly utilitarian atmosphere and repressive, hostile energy?
  • Or would your bowels relax better in the extra-sanitary dumping grounds of the ladies who lay cable?
  • Do you like to make eye contact with the person washing their hands next to you?

Answer these questions for yourself before moving to item 2.

2. Select your uniform.

Now that you’ve decided where you’ll be doing your business, it’s time to pick your outfit for the interview.

First, picture the stick figure you most want to embody, in your mind’s eye. The main difference between the two stick figures is one of them has a triangle body. Dresses and skirts are great for adhering to this shape! The other stick figure calls for a t-shirt and jeans combo, a latex bodysuit, or arguably, nakedness. Just as long as there are no frills or bright patterns, you should be good to go!

3. Walk the walk.

Okay, so you’re about to enter the restroom of your choosing. Today, it’s the women’s room, and Jennifer Anne is fixing her makeup in the mirror. This is where any acting experience you might have will come heavily into play.

Imagine your role is “Manic Pixie Dream Girl with Complicated Fashion Sense.” Tuck your hair behind your ear shyly, saunter down the runway — anything you can think of to channel your inner cis lady. Take a glamorous selfie with the trash can, or wave around a tampon like a light saber — extra points if someone tells you your look is edgy!

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The men’s version of this might mean some well-placed grunting, beating your chest with your fists, or being a rape apologist!

4. Take a shit.

Congratulations! You made it into your own private stall without getting shouted at or beaten up. Now you can perform this necessary bodily function in relative peace.

Next to you, you overhear a text notification go off on someone else’s phone, a zipper opening, a pad being unwrapped. Everywhere around you, unseen strangers of all shapes and sizes are living lives just like yours, pissing and shitting and texting their loved ones and reflecting on their days. And any one of these strangers might, upon learning that someone with your particular set of genitals had the audacity to enter the restroom they claim as their own, break your jaw with their fist and believe themselves righteous.

As you have this thought, don’t forget to wipe your ass thoroughly. We may not be clean in the eyes of God, but there’s no reason our underwear can’t be!

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