Loud noises, bright lights, and Chingy are just about the worst three things you want to deal with the morning after a rager. Fourth, however, is too many fucking syllables. It seems like after each party night, people have the exact same conversations about girls, drinking, and why their hair tastes like spermicide. So why not shorten them up so we can get back to cringing at our text messages?

Good idea, Allen.

Below are fifteen acronyms for commonly used post-party phrases, when they are used, and several examples of each. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go PSB.

UPI (Unidentified Party Injury)

I’d say 90% of the blood loss I have experienced throughout my life has come from UPIs. Waking up with cuts and scrapes on my arms, sides, forehead, ass, and feet have led to some very interesting investigative work, usually summarized by my disturbingly long list of threatening voicemails.

Example: "Shit, now I have explain another UPI to my boss."

Example: "Judging by the shape, size and color, I’d say that is a certifiable UPI."


RNP (Random Naked People)

RNP migrate south for the Winter, but come Spring and Summer they can often be spotted running through campus holding their crotches, stumbling out of rooms wearing only a condom, or canoeing around the lake with half gallons of spiced rum in well-placed locations.

Example: "Last night was kind of lame until all those RNP showed up with the beer bong."

Example: "Last time I hung out with RNP I woke up handcuffed to a park bench balls-deep in a Latino prostitute."


DHV (Drunken Hospital Visit)

These suck. Well, in the moment, at least. I have witnessed or attended nine or ten of these, and they are always funny no more than three days later. Whether someone falls out a window or smashes through two inches of glass with his elbow, the drunken wait in the ER generally falls between mind-blowing boredom and mind-expanding hilarity. (Note: nurses not turned on by vomiting.)

Example: "After last night’s DHV, I think we should hold off drinking for at least one afternoon."

Example: "Why do I feel like girls don’t appreciate a good DHV story like I do?"


MDA (Mysterious Drinking Accident)

This can be damage to your body, damage to your property, or a combination of the two, such as your body hanging halfway out of a broken window, while wearing a condom on your nose and snowboarding gloves on your feet.

Example: "Why do all my MDAs end with the phrase ‘you have the right to an attorney’?"

Example: "Whenever I have an MDA I wake up with new phone numbers. I immediately block them all."


CT (Cock Tease)

Although there are many terms for females that play games with a man’s moan-maker, the most vivid phrase is Cock Tease, for yeah, they are teasing our cocks. Almost every night, you or one of your friends will come in contact with a CT, and not in the way you wanted to, as in her uvula coming in contact with your pee hole. Girls do this because they think they are playing hard to get, instead of what they are really doing: getting deleted from your phonebook.

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Example: "Who knew the bitch with the lower back bull’s-eye would be a CT?"

Example: "Either I have lost all my game, or she was a major CT. Or a lesbian."

Example: "Does anyone else find it odd that only two letters have to go between C and T to spell what they really are?"


S the D (Suck the Dick)

Yes, this acronym isn’t technically an acronym, and yes, saying "suck" and "dick" still make it three syllables, but saying "S the D" always elicits a laugh, especially when there are confused girls in a room full of chuckling. Funny story: we were at South Padre Island for Spring Break and my buddy says to a girl, jokingly, "So you tryin’ to S the D?" She responds apprehensively, "…suck the dick?"

Example: "Dude, I can’t believe you asked that girl to S the D and she ended up S-ing the D."

Example: "Pretty funny how she knew what S the D meant."

Example: "I didn’t give a fuck what she thought; I was just trying to get someone to S the D!"


PF (Party Foul)

From spilling your drink to making a mess to tossing your lit cigar into the lawn mower’s gas tank, Party Fouls have been around forever. Heck, your parents probably used them to reprimand someone for finishing the vial of acid or hocking their Jefferson Airplane tickets for meth.

Example: "Bro, sharting on my pillow was a total PF."

Example: "If that didn’t end up with Marissa’s tits popping out, it’d be a major PF."

Example: "PF or not, that felt GREAT."


NBD (No Big Deal)

More often than not, the acronym NBD is used in a sarcastic manner to inform others of an accomplished feat while not sounding like a complete douche bag. So, because legitimate bragging warrants a surprise nut-shot, often times males will use reverse sarcasm.

Example: "It’s OK guys, I only bowled a 245, NBD."

Example: "I made out with like eight chicks last night; NBD though, NBD."

Example: "While you were doing that I was banging Miss February. But NBD, I mean she was only Miss February so whatever."


HD (Hair of the Dog)

Hair of the Dog is an AM hangover remedy in which you continue drinking the same beer from last night to mask your hangover and make you puke on the way to class. HD is responsible for 85% of all Bloody Mary sales.

Example: "I always abuse the HD. Oh well, I participate more in class that way."

Example: "HD is more of a double-or-nothing on your hangover that you never win."


BB (Beer Bruises)

These most often occur from stumbling into a lamp or wrestling your roommate in the front yard. Either way, their origins are nearly impossible to nail down, usually because you stumbled into your roommate and wrestled the lamp in the front yard.

Example: "I really wish I knew why I have three BBs on my crotch."

Example: "How the hell does Trivia Night always cause so many BBs?"


PSB (Push the Skinny Button)

Also known as "the little hanging ball thing in the back of your throat," the uvula plays an important role in the articulation of sound as well as keeping Pi Phis skinny. But the uvula can also be used as an emetic, which is something that makes you vomit.

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Example: "Maybe if I PSB I can get rid of a few of those nineteen vodka shots currently eroding my insides."

Example: "I feel like shit; I gotta go PSB before class. Wish me luck."

Example: "Jesus…either she is the daughter of Robert Atkins or has a major obsession with PSB. And I LOVE it."


BL (Bud Light)

Since Natural Light (Natty) and Keystone Light (Stones) have nicknames, it was only natural that the next cheapest and most heavily consumed beer should be honored with one as well. After growing tired of asking someone to toss us another "Bud Light," we decided to drop the six superfluous letters and go with the BL, and yes, we realize it’s still two syllables.

Example: "Pass me a BL, you elongated chode hair."

Example: "Hand me another BL, you anal-fisting minotaur."

Example: "Wanna shotgun BLs and objectify women with me?"


BO (Broken Object)

The best part about breaking things while drunk is trying to come up with scapegoats to tell your landlord. If you factor in the participating drunks’ current hourly wage, most people probably spend more money coming up with ideas than it would cost to just buy a new one. They wipe off the blood, mop up the beer, change the lighting, untie the midget, and do everything they can to make themselves faultless under their state’s landlord/tenant agreement.

Example: "Another BO Chris? Really? That’s your third one this week, not to mention the body we still need to dispose of."

Example: "At least this time I took my anger out on a BO instead of a hooker."

Example: "Once you realize who the BO belonged to, you’ll thank me. Her name may or not rhyme with Shmore Shmex-Shmirlfriend."


BO (Black Out)

Blacking Out is when an individual imbibes so much alcohol that his night disappears into a hazy mist of slurred derogatory insults and spinning hallways, and he wakes up with no memory of the previous night’s events. Upon waking this usually results in fear, as the confused individual hopes the blood in his hair is not his. After playing a little hungover detective and realizing the hair stain is from a recently popped hymen, he begins laughing, asking his friends who or what ran out of his room this morning, and trying to not puke.

Example: "Whenever I BO I wake up on a floor, a couch, or an airplane heading for Prague."

Example: "I BOed so hard last night I don’t even remember the amputation."

Example: "So, I have this friend who had a rough BO and woke up with a sore asshole covered in KY jelly; do you think he should tell anyone?"


RPR (Reincarnation of Paul Revere)

Just in case Paul Revere ever gets reincarnated and rides down your street blacked out and yelling about the British, I’ve got you covered.

Example: "The fuck? RPR?"

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