16%: Ghost of William Howard Taft – Eerie townhall appearance gave voters renewed sense of hope, prompting thousands of “Dead Guy 2016” memes.
13%: Anderson Cooper – Garnered massive support by asking questions like “Are you going to have a mandate that Americans have to have health insurance?” and when given unsatisfactory answers, saying “You are the weakest link; goodbye.”
10%: Justin Beiber – Bitches be like “Oooooh, Justin.”
8%: Jimmy Fallon – Strong lead-in from NBC blockbuster Maya and Marty.
8%: No response – “Poll? Huh? You mean like strippers?”
7%: Alex Trebek – Would be so fucking cool for him to say to Putin, “Sorry, but you forgot to phrase it in form of a question.”
6%: Nationwide backup singers – Because, unlike candidates, “Nationwide is on your Side.”
6%: Colin Kaepernick – Would be first president ever sworn into office while sitting on sofa.
5%: Court Sullivan – World leadership role key part of PIC plan to replace Gannett as Western world’s most powerful media conglomerate.
5%: Snuggles – Beloved fabric softener bear.
4%: Gary Johnson – Missed dose of time-release ED drug Aleppo.
3%: Brokaw-Ford 2016 – “He was delicious.”
3%: Brian Griffin – “Dammit, WHERE is Family Guy? And WHO are these fucking idiots? I’m calling FOX programming right now.”
2%: Kim Jong-Un – “Trump, ha! We need a REAL asshole in charge.”
1%: Idi Amin – Dead Ugandan warlord for president, because “Amin 2016, bitches. I’m Idi Amin speaking to you from hell, and I approved this message.”
0.001%: Hillary Clinton – Numbers subject to change pending results of Clinton-Kaine death squads.
0.0000000000000000001%: Donald Trump – Demographic breakdown includes wealthiest 0.0000000000000000001% of society, plus bevy of Hooters waitresses in secret, underground Trump casino enclave.
Note from the PIC legal team: 285 online participants were polled. Margin for error +/-23%. Points in Case cannot guarantee 100% accuracy.