16%: Ghost of William Howard Taft – Eerie townhall appearance gave voters renewed sense of hope, prompting thousands of “Dead Guy 2016” memes.

13%: Anderson Cooper – Garnered massive support by asking questions like “Are you going to have a mandate that Americans have to have health insurance?” and when given unsatisfactory answers, saying “You are the weakest link; goodbye.”

10%: Justin Beiber – Bitches be like “Oooooh, Justin.”

8%: Jimmy Fallon – Strong lead-in from NBC blockbuster Maya and Marty.

8%: No response – “Poll? Huh? You mean like strippers?

7%: Alex Trebek – Would be so fucking cool for him to say to Putin, “Sorry, but you forgot to phrase it in form of a question.”

6%: Nationwide backup singers – Because, unlike candidates, “Nationwide is on your Side.”

6%: Colin Kaepernick – Would be first president ever sworn into office while sitting on sofa.

5%: Court Sullivan – World leadership role key part of PIC plan to replace Gannett as Western world’s most powerful media conglomerate.

5%: Snuggles – Beloved fabric softener bear.

4%: Gary Johnson – Missed dose of time-release ED drug Aleppo.

3%: Brokaw-Ford 2016 – “He was delicious.”

3%: Brian Griffin – “Dammit, WHERE is Family Guy? And WHO are these fucking idiots? I’m calling FOX programming right now.”

2%: Kim Jong-Un – “Trump, ha! We need a REAL asshole in charge.”

1%: Idi AminDead Ugandan warlord for president, because “Amin 2016, bitches. I’m Idi Amin speaking to you from hell, and I approved this message.”

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0.001%: Hillary Clinton – Numbers subject to change pending results of Clinton-Kaine death squads.

0.0000000000000000001%: Donald Trump – Demographic breakdown includes wealthiest 0.0000000000000000001% of society, plus bevy of Hooters waitresses in secret, underground Trump casino enclave.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in St. Louis at the second presidential debate

Note from the PIC legal team: 285 online participants were polled. Margin for error +/-23%. Points in Case cannot guarantee 100% accuracy.

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