As I’m about to enter my second year of college, I can’t help but look back and marvel at everything that’s happened since I arrived. It was a time of new friends, heavier workloads, and exponential opportunities to contract herpes. Especially during Halloween weekend. Some guy dressed as a nerd actually gave me a massive cold that lasted for three weeks. And he turned out to be a lot less attractive than I thought he was. It was an awkward second meeting to say the least.
I still remember the various talks my parents and high school teachers gave me about entering college and the "real world." It was going to be a brand new experience with new challenges, but as long as I worked hard and gave everything 100%, I would prevail. And sure, some classes would be pointless university money-makers, but it’d be all worth it in the end.
For two weeks, one of my friends had to live off cheese sandwiches and water if I didn’t swipe him in at the dining hall. Whatever, mom.
Lo and behold, those guys were right about a lot of stuff. Still, times have changed and some important bits of information were left out. Some would still call me a n00b at this whole college thing, but I learned quite a bit last year. Here’s some knowledge and advice for all you high schoolers getting ready for your first step into adulthood.
1. No matter what, you will start doing the very things you swore you’d never do.
You don’t drink? Have a shot. You don’t smoke weed? Here’s a bong. You don’t hook up with strangers on a dance floor full of tools and skanks dry-humping? Say hello to that tongue that’s licking all over your lips and/or face. Believe me, I went to Catholic high school and was trained to be jailbait. I never drank, had no desire to smoke anything, and didn’t believe in hooking up. But college changed all of that. (Side note: Hooking up with someone who smokes is never a good idea. Unless you like licking ashtrays clean.)
2. Odds are, no matter how hard you work, you’ll end up getting an F or a D in one of your first semester classes.
You think hard work is going to pay off in the end? Sure, if you get lucky and have a decent professor who grades fairly and doesn’t give you the stink eye when you ask a question during lecture. This is a result of either a) taking classes you have no interest in, or b) your professor, a boring, monotone robot. This will cause you to resent him/her for making what could have been a fun course into a class that you purposely arrive late to every day.
3. You will probably have loud and obnoxious dorm neighbors that you have to deal with for an entire school year.
Or you’ll end up being one of them. Either way, nobody is going to sleep until 4 in the morning.
4. If your college of choice has a meal plan, use your swipes wisely.
For two weeks, one of my friends had to live off cheese sandwiches and water if I didn’t swipe him in at the dining hall. Although some of you could benefit from restricted access to campus dining because…
5. The Freshman Fifteen is not a myth.
Eat your vegetables and lean meats, kids. The word "whale" comes to mind for a few of my friends who packed on the pounds. Someone should have floated the idea of exercise by these beached mammals before they went belly up.
6. The gym can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare, depending on who you go with (if anyone at all) and what time you work out.
Personally, I go in the wee hours of the morning because nobody is there to judge my huge ass and weak upper body skills. This way I get my trip to the gym out of the way and don’t embarrass myself in front of a large group of people. If you go with a friend (who’s probably in much better shape than your lazy ass) and at night, when every other motherfucker goes, it becomes a waiting line at the DMV. It’s uncomfortable, annoying, and slightly scary if that one weird guy is pumping the shake weight a little too close for your liking.
7. Just like Toy Story, make sure you secure a moving buddy by the end of year when you have to apply for the next fall semester housing.
Fair warning though, there’s a 45% chance that your moving buddy will screw you over for a better deal when his/her other friends decide to get an apartment instead of another dorm room.
There are plenty more things I could say, but some things you really can only learn by hands on experience (by which I mean hands on your boobs/package). And even though I’ve listed a lot of negatives, you truly will have some great adventures during college. I’ve laughed uncontrollably while high in a taxi, gotten caught trespassing in a backstage area of a building (while drunk and high), and been kicked out of too many fraternities to count thanks to my angry-drunk friends. Trust me when I say that even the bad times can become wonderful memories.
Except almost getting barfed on by a girl who can’t hold her liqueur. That shit was just gross.