Congratulations! You hacked my email—yet again. Don’t get excited, I’ve already changed my password. How long will we continue this dance? Year after year it’s the same story: you hack my email, then you try to push an endless number of weight loss pills and male enhancement on my contacts "from me." What’s your angle? Do you receive a commission for every pound lost or every inch of girth gained?

Leading with "Work from home and make $17,000 a week" or "Does your penis need help?" is not the strongest route to take. You want to be friendly and vague. Something like "Hello pal."I don’t think identity theft is your game. If you could get a loan in my name, with my credit score, your talent for miracles would rival the likes of Jesus or even the Son of God David Copperfield. Whatever your angle is, your approach is shoddy, at best. It seems you get to the email and then really stop applying yourself. I find myself at a moral crossroads here as I don’t condone hacking and thievery, but am also a firm believer that anything worth doing is worth doing right.

So, here is where I offer my sales expertise to you, the phisher.

I know you are smart. I can only imagine the skill it takes to hack an email account. You got this far. You’re at the finish line. Why not cross it?

Let’s use male enhancement as an example. I must say right off the bat that random unsolicited penis enlargement pills are a tough sell, but don’t let this dissuade you from your goal. As Winston Churchill once said, "Never, never, never give up."

The most important rule in selling a product is "know your audience." Who are you hacking? Who are their contacts? Know as much information about your targets as possible. The days of hacking someone’s email and just spamming their contacts with links are over. So let’s imagine it’s just another day for you, hacking emails and peddling penis pills. Suddenly, you crack an email and begin sending links to their pals, leading them to pills that will increase the size of their member. Hooray! Unfortunately, little did you know, the email you hacked was of a young member of Generation Y. Had you done your research you would have known that members of Generation Y are weary of ingesting things without knowing the ingredients. Creams are where it’s at for them. In this day and age of organic and non-GMO’s, topical application is king.

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Maxderm penis enlargement cream

I cannot emphasize this rule enough: know as much as you can about your audience. Knowing some statistics would help as well. For example, did you know that 76% of men are unhappy with their penis size? Did you know that of that 76%, 0% are women? KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. Also, did you know that of that same 76%, 42% are Bears fans? These are only a few very important statistics that can help maximize your effort when selling a product.

Let’s take a minute to discuss subject lines, arguably the most important detail of your ruse. Remember, this is going to be the first thing folks read before opening your turd of an email. Be cautious. I know it’s exciting, but this is no time to blow your load and throw a Hail Mary. Unless I’m mistaken, you WANT people to open the email. So, leading with "Work from home and make $17,000 a week" or "Does your penis need help?" is probably not the strongest route to take. You want to be friendly and vague. Say something like, "Hello pal" or, "Is it that time of the year again?" You don’t want to raise any red flags. If they feel at all skeptical, all your hard work is going in the trash.

This brings me to my next point. After you’ve done your homework and hacked an email, you’ll need to be able to close the deal. How do I do this you ask? Very simply, use a personal anecdote or sob story. This shows that you understand someone’s struggle and relate to it. It allows you to connect with them. It allows people to possibly overlook why they’re getting such an email and how you got their personal information.

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I’ll be honest, all your work hinges on this step. You could lose them here. You’ll need to be brief and to the point, yet have a gentle touch. You don’t want to come out guns blazing. People are busy and don’t have time in their day allocated for thinking about their small penises. Keep it short, like their wieners.

Here is one way to relate to your target using the information we discussed earlier: "I find that the years are hard enough when time and time again the Bears don’t make it to the Super Bowl. Couple that with my not-so-impressive penis and it’s a wonder I find any motivation to wake up in the morning." That’s your lead-in; now follow up with the product information, a few success stories, maybe even throw in a picture for good measure, and they’ll be begging you to try your cream!

(You’ll need to think of your own lead-in of course. That’s all part of finding your voice.)

So, there you have it. You can of course apply this to any product or item you’re pushing. You do this right and you could change the game. The next time my email is hacked I may not feel nearly as violated; I may even welcome it. You know what else? I finally won’t care as much about how the Bears do this season. I’m glad we had this talk. Happy trails.

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