How to Get Rid of Your Roommate

By contributing writer Pat Francart


The good roommate is a rare and elusive creature, greatly outnumbered by the annoying bastard roommate. If you wind up with one of these annoying bastards, you may feel like confronting him, or you may feel like moving out. The problem is that you shouldn’t feel like doing anything. He’s the annoying bastard, not you. You just want some peace, and maybe a little less idiot hanging around all the time. “What can I do?” you ask. “I will tell you,” I say, “for I am a kind and just god.”

So you move in to find that 50% of your living space is being taken up by 100% douchebag. What do you do? You force him out. You might ask, “Well, why don’t I just move out?” Well, jackass, that’s what pussies do. You can’t take his shit. You’ve got to step it up.

To successfully step it up, you’ve got to determine what kind of bad roommate you have, and then deal with him based on his personality. What follows is a pretty comprehensive list of all the shithead roommates out there.

The Dumbass

This is the guy with all the local sports team jerseys and t-shirts and baseball caps and underoos. He’s got blankets with your school’s insignia on it; he’s got posters, mousepads, the school newspaper. He’s also a moron. He smiles a lot and probably smells like way too much Axe. He can’t read or do math, so he’s probably out of there in a semester or two anyway. He won’t fall for simple tactics because he’s too stupid to get the hint.

Clearly, God favors getting rid of roommates.

Ousting the Dumbass

-Read all the time.

-Develop a hunch back.

-Stick a calculator in your back pocket and start wearing glasses.

-Creep around the room like you’re some kind of spider. Then slowly start throwing out all his shit.

-Breathe heavily through your mouth.

The Polite Guy

This is the creep who goes out of his way to be nice and make conversation. He’s the guy who’s always trying to talk to you no matter how few real opinions he has. He’s probably in a bunch of your classes. You could just take advantage of him and make him buy all your food and toilet paper for you, but then you’d have to deal with his suffocatingly considerate personality.

Ousting the Polite Guy

-Become really intense and get pissed when he tries to talk to you.

-Keep a consistent scowl on your face.

-Squeeze your hands into fists when he speaks and try to shake a lot.

-Always appear that you’re on the verge of some kind of violent explosion.

-Spend all of your time in your dorm room and make it appear that you don’t leave.

-Let him catch you staring angrily at his stuff once or twice.

-Get some red duct tape and tape a line across the floor when he’s not around; don’t tell him its purpose. If he or any of his shit crosses it, lose your mind and start screaming and foaming at the mouth.

The Ladies Man

If you’re not this guy, you’re pissed. He’s the dude who has chicks in the room constantly and you’re forced to wait around while he nails them. He probably stuffs it in your face every chance he gets.

Ousting the Ladies Man

-Stay in the room 24/7.

-Never wear any clothes.

The TV Guy

This dude has spent all summer getting attached to a bunch of bullshit reality TV shows and now he watches them constantly. He checks out all the spin-off webisodes online and his desktop wallpaper is probably The Hills themed. He talks constantly unless the TV is on.

Ousting the TV Guy

-Wait until he’s not in the room and toss the TV out the fucking window. If he asks about it, tell him you couldn’t take his shit anymore and there was nothing for you to do but toss the TV out the fucking window. Start crying.

The Posse Leader

These people are usually comic book geeks who hang around with the crappiest group of people on the planet (anime fans). They always smell like they never bathe and they definitely wear those dumbass thick-rimmed glasses.

Ousting the Posse Leader

-Wait until he leaves and then drag all his shit out into the hall. Barricade the door and Febreze the hell out of that place.

The Covert Shitter

This is the weird dude who doesn’t want you to know he’s taking a dump. If you have communal bathrooms, The Covert Shitter isn’t someone you have to worry much about. This is the guy that creeps into the bathroom and turns on the faucet while he tries to silently pinch one off. This behavior is just plain creepy. Does he think he’s fooling everyone into thinking he never shits?

Ousting the Covert Shitter

-Kick down the door when he’s covert shitting and scream “I knew it!”

-Point and laugh and tell everyone about his “crappy day.”

-Take pictures and put them on Facebook.

The Regular Guy

This roommate is so normal it’s disgusting. You could look through all of his belongings and find nothing that distinguishes him from anyone else. His interests are everything. He barely talks and is so submissive that he’ll let you do anything. He’s such a cipher that your friends probably don’t know he exists.

Ousting the Regular Guy

-You’ll just have to move out. The Regular Guy is fucking impenetrable.

The Crazy Guy

If you’re lucky, you’ll wind up with an easily categorized roommate. If God hates you, however, you might end up with The Crazy Guy. He’s the kind with the strange tics who never responds to your attempts to drive him away. Ousting The Crazy Guy can be quite a chore. Usually, no matter what kind of irritation you throw at him he springs back with something equally aggravating. Don’t give up hope. You’ll just have to one-up him at every creepy quirk.

Ousting the Crazy Guy

-Assault his belongings.

-Start hoarding his stuff.

-Take his food while he’s sleeping.

-Buy a label gun and start sticking your name to all his stuff.

-Develop odd tics.

-Start squawking like a bird uncontrollably.

-Perch on your desk chair like it’s a branch and start pecking at the keyboard with your face. If he asks you about your behavior, return to normal and insist you don’t know what he’s talking about.

-Start taking showers that last an hour or more.

-Use your computer for nothing but porn.

-Always hunch over the keyboard like a hungry animal.

-Follow him wherever he goes.

-Stare him down when he talks to you.

-Make it appear that his eyes are hypnotic.

-Develop night terrors. Scream and thrash in your sleep.

-Don’t let anyone ever take pictures of you; cameras steal your soul.

-Develop a sweet tooth and always ask him if he could perhaps spare a caramel or maybe some delicious chocolates?

-Make diseases the topic of every conversation.

-Start wearing his clothes.

If none of this works, you’ll have to just kill him.

Remember, no one has feelings but you. Don’t worry about hurting your terrible roommates; they need to learn how to not suck so badly. Drive them out and live happy.

More from PIC:

My roommate is sort of the stupid roommate. he throws me wierd looks when i am doing my homework, and once he got pissed at me because i didn't "skip more classes" olbviously i should be skipping my two morning classes every day since the beginning of the semester like he has. no, seriously, he has gone to his 8:00 class twice.

my room mate is the posse leader. the problem with the posse leader is that she is a fucking loser that never leaves the room, and her stuff smells. saying that, her weird christian friends come and talk about god and how god affects anime. and she stays up till 8am watching said anime with weird people that don't shower, and sleeps until four. saying such, i believe the posse leader is the worst roommate ever to have. usually straightedge.

Very funny, but I think you missed a few - the disgusting roommate and the chronic masturbator come to mind rather quickly for me. Consider writing a sequel.

you know how you really get rid of a roommate in a dorm? (I know this because it happened to one of my friends.) You skeet all over his stuff. He'll take it to the RD and they will move him out, the cummee, not the cummer.

Ha! you forgot one.
The one holding the lease on the apartment
renting out a room or rooms can be a real
jackass too. The ones trying to get rid
of someone are not saints either.

You'll just have to kill him?!?!
Stop and consider the fact he may
kill YOU instead, and may be very
good at it too.

Did you hear the one about the guy
who killed his roommate over the
last pork chop?

Absolutely wonderful.

My beloved roomie/ specimen is called
"The Constant Canoodler"
Basically her and her deadbeat boyfriend sit on the couch all day feeding each other potato chips or some other greasy, cheesy, salt- covered snack item while all their limbs are intertwined with the TV volume on high while watching romantic comedies and calling each other "pooky" in baby voices. And they usually drink my beer.
So far I have tried acting insane, labeling all my shit and even changing the television to (gasp) Sportscenter.
Next step: hire someone to sleep with said boyfriend.
This is cannot fail.

hahahaha...i'm the regular roomate you cannot defeat me...seriously though my roomate has been my friend since i was 6 so i cant really relate to any of these...good luck with your sucky roomates bitches

I have the polite roommate and her boyfriend is in a category all his own... something like the pretentious douchebag philosophy major who wishes he was English. Fortunately, I can kick them out whenever I want because it's my place and they're month to month. I think I might turn on the hood charm and go downtown psychobitch on them for the fun of it, though.

This article is so funny it made me cry.

I think my roomate is a mixture of all the worst qualities of each type.

1. He bags his last several months of trash and stores it in the closet. When confronted about this he said he was too lazy to take out his trash (the cans outside the door, several feet away).

2. He is a covert shitter. He claims he has an insane case of IBS and will sneak out of the room and stay on the shitter for upwards of an hour.

3. He lounges around the room naked when he thinks I'm not going to be back for a while.

4. He refuses to use soap or shampoo for the 2 minute showers he takes and uses the same towel for weeks, which be lounges around in afterwards.

5. He's 18 and balding. Enough Said.

6. He plays the flute and picalo.

7. He masturbates for hours every day, including when I'm in the room.

8. He goes to sleep at about 11:30 every night and gets mega pissed if I want to stay up past the exact moment he gets up and turns off the lights (without saying a word).

9. He has insomnia and tosses turns and yells during he sleep; Oh yeah and he insists on sleeping naked.

10. He blows his nose at least 3-4 times every 10 min. (throughout the entire year) then throws the tissues ok the floor.

11. He is extremely unintelligent and is constantly complaining about how he ia struggling in all of his remedial courses.

12. He is addicted to reality shows but only has the attention span to watch 5 minutes of each (making them even more torture)

13. I'm petty sure he's gay and he says he has seen my penis before and says that it is the biggest he has ever seen, which is disturbing

There are many more things I could add to the list but I think I have made my point. He hasn't taken any subtle or even blatent hints about moving out so perhaps this guide will help.

If anyone else beat my bad roomate exerience I'd love to hear about it.

I was actually searching for articles on how to get rid of my roommate when I ran across yours...
I don't know if I can top yours, but I'm sure it's pretty high up on the list.
Let's see, where do I begin?

Well... she's 38, but looks 50 (no exaggeration) because of meth use, (and is missing one of her front 6 teeth- her canine)
has 3 kids, the oldest 18 who lives with her ,or should I say us, who's in love with her.

When I come home in the middle of the day sometimes I hear moaning from their room (when only the two of them are home)

She doesn't bathe, only jumps in the pool and jacuzzi with other unemployed squatters, in the same old two-piece that never gets washed.

She smells, and I mean BAD, like feet and funk (and I have a dog, and my part of the house doesn't even smell like anything)
Her bedroom smells like ether (and she claims she's only been heavily drinking for a year now), she never does any laundry,
is drunk from the moment she wakes up to the time she passes out, after telling me her life story over and over again,
and how she and her husband still need to go to mediation appointments over a divorce that was finalized 6 years ago.

Her son takes a 4 minute shower every morning at 6am (except weekends), but doesn't use soap either.

Instead, he puts deodorant on over his funk.

They don't brush their teeth.

The son rinses his mouth with mouthwash but when there's about an inch left in the bottle, he stops using it completely, as well as everything else that runs low in the house (that belongs to them.)
Which is no excuse because I've offered them toiletries many times before. they just simply refuse to use any type of cleaning products.

After they take showers, the tub looks like they were rubbing some sort of black tire against the bathtub walls.

They both don't wash their hands after using the bahroom. (Ugh! No comment.)

They refuse to wear shoes outside, so my once BRAND NEW tan carpet is now a tinged grey.

She and her son share the room which contains a bunk bed and when the other two children (16 son, 6 daughter) come over it sounds like they have a wrestling match going on (which they call playing)

She collects child support (which I thought was a good thing because it's guaranteed income in this tough economy) but she hasn't worked in 6 years, collected food stamps until they stopped it about 4 months ago.

So when she does have money and goes grocery shopping, she buys nothing but trash (junk food) and they both eat like there's no tomorrow and starve for the remaining 3 weeks left in the month until her next check comes.

She can't cook to save her life... then has the nerve to cook with curry and burns half the dishes she makes. (Her ex-husband is Indian/Hindu) so she thinks she learned something during their marriage.

These things may not seem that bad, but the woman dove head-first into the jacuzzi the other week (YES JACUZZZI NOT POOL) and scarred her nose and forehead, not to mention she brings all types of strays home from the pool (18,19,&20 year olds) claiming they have something in common and that they are all best of friends now since she's been on the property now for about 5 months.

She broke her toe on the edge of the pool prior to that trying to prove something to these "teenagers", trying to catch a nerf football while leaping into the pool.

All the while she's drunk off her butt trying to reason with me as to why all of this is happening to her and how it's not her fault.

And some how in between breaking her toe and cracking her face in the jacuzzi, she finds time to ride off with her ex-husband to have sex with him in the dirt, behind some bushes, next to the local city pool.

So, I don't know if I topped your story, but if anyone can top that or knows how to get rid of this nasty woman and her musty son, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I have one word for you ~~ Tarrantula (sorry for the typo) But I think you get my point !

HAHA! i dont think anyone elses housemate is as bad as mine!!
She smells of BO and is constantly in her room playing eurovision songs really loudly all day until exactly 11.30pm!
we were really good friends until i was too tired to pick her up from where she used 2 work at midnight! i even made sure she could get a bus back! she only had to wait 5 mins!!
and she went psycho when i laughed when she said "chicken kev" instead of "kiev"!
and i hear her bitching about me on the phone to her mates!! saying that i think that i am more superior 2 her, cos i got a car n she hasnt! and that i rub the fact that ive got a boyfriend in her face (ive only mentioned him a few times, n hes only been down once this year!)
any ideas how i can get rid of her!?

Alright, so last year I had a room mate that did cocaine on our kitchen counter. I told anybody who would listen about this and she was gone in two weeks.
This year, my best friend and I have a room mate that hasn't bought toilet paper since she moved in 2 months ago, and used all our paper towel as toilet paper when we went home for two weeks. She ate all our food during that time too. She threw this huge fit about not using our stuff and us not using hers, but I have not seen her use anything of hers since before Thanksgiving. She spends hours (I'm talking at least 2 hours three to four times a day) in the bathroom, running all of the faucets, and constantly flushing the toilet. She wears the same clothes for days ( we've counted 5 in a row so far) and I swear to God she uses Sharpies as eyeliner. She is legally bi-polar and I'm convinced she shoots meth between her toes. She blames her obsessive need to run marathons (5 this week) when we confront her about something. And she plays extremely bad screamo music at all hours.

We've tried going to management, but because she's 23 they can't kick her out if she passes her drug tests. We've told her that her behavior is unacceptable, but it has only gotten worse. Her angry rants are affecting my ability to study and sleep and I can't take it anymore.
We try to ignore her but it doesn't work.

Any suggestions?

This is great but there're many types missing. Can someone help me with mine?

Filthy gay guy who you find with cum dripping down his mouth while his boyfriend runs into the bathroom to finish off.

Why can't I be rich and afford my own place?!

Mine is a sick dirty bastard. Doesn't pick up after himself. Eats all my food. Takes bites out a block of cheese!! Leaves his nasty teethmarks on there. He also drinks from the gallons of juice and throws food in there. Pisses all over the bathroom floor. Throws syrup all over the kitchen, drinks all my beer. Plays his music really loud. Uses crutches & he weighs 300lbs so imagine how loud that sounds!
Interrupts me & my bf when were talking. Goes into my room and smells my underwear and jacks off on my bed!

Why can't I be rich?!

my roomate is a fucking dirty pig who leaves cloths all over the house and doesnt pick up after himself he is also fake like to say things that he know he cant do very unreliable also smokes 1 pack of cigarettes a day and makes on of the most discusting messes ever that if was to take a picture of the mess before i cleaned youll see what im talking about i fucking blew up today like a time bomb because i was just soooooo fucking fed up with this shit everyday when i came home from work and i have a wife and kids so when i had that argument with him he went and kick himself out the house and you know how i feel about this FUCKING HAPPY AS HELL :D

what if my roommate(tv guy) is my father? and dosnt give a shit about anythin?

and if ill throw his precious tv he will throw out my precious computer (we live in my grandmas house i was there first)

I would fart a lot to get rid of roomies. Stink up the bathroom. Or get rich and move out myself.

I killed mine, but he came back... what now?

Seriously though all he does is stare at me angrily. He literally has only said three words to me in two weeks. All he does is glare at me and bitch to our mutual friends about how shitty a roommate I am.

I'm not sure if my roommate drama tops any of yours, but if you have any suggestions on how to get rid of them please let me know. I live with another girl who is an alcoholic in denial. Our apartment is littered with liquor bottles and she drinks all times of the day, the first thing she does in the morning is take a swig of spiked juice. One day I came home and she was watching tv while her dog chewed on a bloody tampon and when I told her what her dog was doing she simply replied I know. Her bathroom stinks and she doesn't bother to throw anything away, the ground is littered with bloody panties and used toilet rolls and it stinks because her dog made diarrhea on the ground and she insisted that it would be easier to clean if she let it dry first. She even brought home a cat without asking even though I am allergic to cats. She got mad at me for doing laundry once a week and insisted that I do my laundry once a month like her. I even found a used pad in the wash once. She refuses to clean and help buy anything for the apartment but has no problem taking everything I buy. She is constantly asking me for toilet paper, soap, trash bags, etc. She completely dominates everything int the apartment but my room although I pay more. She told her family that I am a bitch because I don't like that she brings her drunk friends home after 1am and has them all sleep over and eat my food. They do drugs and get drunk and just pass out, her boyfriend even peed himself once because he was so drunk. Our carpet is stained with vomit and I am worried that I am not going to loose our deposit which I covered. Her family insults and attacks me whenever I see them and told me that I need to relax and have a beer with their daughter. She does not have a good track record with any of her roommates and actually tried to sue and have them evicted from their new apartment which she of course had no grounds for doing so. None of her ex roommates even speak to her anymore after having to live with her. Her last boyfriend was crazy and would harass me and when i asked her to not bring him over she got mad at me. Eventually they broke up when he found out she was sleeping around with other people and he tried to choke her. She needed to get a restraining order on him and then told me that it was my fault that they broke up because he didn't like me. Her new boyfriend is no better and actually behaves the exact same way. The worst part is that he also harasses me and she continues to say that I am the problem and can not possibly comprehend that it's the type of loser boyfriends she brings home. I'm afraid to be in my own apartment and spend most of my time locked in my bedroom. He threatened to kill me because I left a note on the fridge asking to throw away any spoiled food (shell let fruits, vegetables, everything rot for months and gets mad if i throw them out) because I was going to scrub the fridge. Her boyfriend stays over everynight but she insists that this doesn't mean he lives with us. Therefore he does not need to clean up after himself because he is a guest even though he claimed one of our spare rooms as his own and keeps all of his belongings in it. He even stayed over when she was away for the summer because he said that she was still paying rent for her room so he should be able to use it as long as he wants. I came home once and the table was littered with naked photos of her and her boyfriend and when they realized I was home they attempted to slyly distract me and grab their photos ( I didn't point out that I'd already seen them). I am a nice person and I don't want to involve the police is there any way to resolve this? The problem is that this is the only place I can afford and I need her to leave on her own because the landlord is a close friend and does not want to get involved. She's been saying she is going to move out when she graduates but shes on her sixth year of college and she's only getting a four year degree. She is completely spoiled and her mother pays for everything for her.

Your roommate sounds like a bitch and I really feel for you. I posted directly after you so you can see that I too have roommate issues. Since this woman doesn’t respect you then you will have to take matters into your own hands.

Here are some things you can do.. they are a bit extreme but they might help.

1. If someone takes your food tell them that it constitutes theft and that you will charge them.

2. In most places, if your living conditions don’t let you enjoy what is promised in the lease then you can break the lease and move out. I know you said that you can only afford that place but there might be somewhere else you can go to get away from her.

3. In regards to the boyfriend staying over and occupying your space without paying rent you can probably sue him. Essentially, you are paying for part of his energy usage (i.e. when he showers, cooks, uses any electricity, etc.). I am not sure if you are paying for heat and light separate of rent, if so then you have a reason to sue. It is best to check with a lawyer just in case.

Doing some of these will cause tension between you and the roommate. So if you want to get really nasty then you can actually use these as a means to instigate your roommate to act a certain way so you can get peace of mind.

So here is how to do it:

First get a lock on your door for protection. Second try to have a friend over who can witness what is happening. A camera would be helpful but you say that you are using it as a means to show how you are being harassed. Next, start raising issues about the boyfriend. He has no claims to the property so you are in the right here. Ask him to start paying rent and contributing to the electrical bills. Most likely, she will deny that he has to pay for any of these. Threaten to sue. All the while tension will build between you two but have patience. Let her blow her lid. If she assaults you, then press charges and get a restraining order. Then she has to leave the house.

If it doesn’t work out this way, then threaten to get lawyers involved in regards to the boyfriend occupying the premises. Most likely, the boyfriend will be an asshole and call you names or threaten you. This gives you grounds to press charges for harassment or possibly to get a retraining order. Once the boyfriend is restricted from visiting the house she will be forced to go see him thus you will have the house to yourself often.

Should the parents get involved they too will probably act in a harassing manner. Threaten to press charges if they harass you.. or simply press charges. One the person is convicted of harassment then it is quite possible that they will lose their jobs, jail time (if they have priors) or will be restricted in some way financially (i.e. court costs, legal obligations, etc.). Thus, the daughter will be forced by her parents to shape up or possibly, if the financial burden deems it, to get out.

You said that he has already threatened you. Take this very seriously. Get the police involved. Don’t be a victim and stand up for yourself. Get back at these mofos. Also before I forget make sure you consult a lawyer if you are going to proceed legally. Also, make sure that you can actually prove that you are being harassed. If you are worried about costs then talk to a government official to see what they can do to help you.

It seems as though you are scared, you actually say you are so I am going to think this is the case. A few simple self-defence lessons are:

Strike eyes and run. If you are grabbed, grab a finger (preferably not the thumb) and pull it diagonally across the back of the hand. For example, if you grab the index finger you will want to bend it so that the index finger touches the back and center of the hand. Don’t let these people intimidate you. Good luck with it.

The Sloth Anti-Conformist Conformist

My roommate is in a category of his own. I am going to call his breed SACC. It stands for two things Sloth anti-conformist conformist and for the extra skin that seems to linger around until it has to go to work.

To describe my roommate, he is a giant creature that seems oblivious to the stench that emanates from him. Anywhere he sits, his odour seems to linger. Febreeze isn't able to take away the stench. The pungent smell is like that of most hockey players' equipment. Just imagine sealing a bag of sweaty hockey equipment and stowing it away for a month or two. Now repeat this process several times, never washing, and that my friends is the smell that my roommate emits. It is this smell that every item in our living room now retains.

Since I am on the topic of smells, I will just tell you that putting meat in a non-covered garbage bag does not restrict the rotting meat smell from filling the kitchen. Luckily, on some occasions my roommate has decided to actually place meat within the garbage but on several occasions I have had to break down and pick rotting meat up off the floor.

Moving on, I have limited myself to frequenting the living room but the kitchen is a matter that seems unavoidable. Currently, my kitchen is occupied by at least nine or ten dirty pots and pans that have been crowding the limited counter space for well over a week. I have tried to eat at restaurants for the last week to avoid entering the kitchen but such avoidance has become too expensive to maintain.

To show the magnitude of the gross kitchen conditions I want you to imagine a stove that is covered in melted cheese and caked on tomato sauce. Couple that with oil on each of the burners and generously sprinkle bread crumbs, cake batter and tiny pieces of rotting vegetables on top of everything you see. Voila! We now have stove pizza!

Before I continue, I just want to tell you that I for several months I alone maintained most of the household chores but then we received another roommate who is a good friend of the SACC. Quite honestly, I was unable to and did not want to clean up after three people. She too is a SACC. Before I was able to at least live in somewhat squabble conditions.. now I am forced to live in an all out infestation. It is not that I haven’t asked them to clean, for I have done this on several occasions. Quite simply, these two have had everything done for them since birth so they cannot function successfully outside of parental guidance.

You may be thinking, why don’t I move or try to get rid of them. Well, I am moving next Friday and the reason I can’t try to kick them out is because the giant SACC’s father owns the house. So why didn’t I just blow up then? It is because the giant SACC’s sister is a friend of mine and flipping out would probably affect our relationship. So what recourse do I have?

Well, I figure that these two really enjoy living in disgusting living conditions so that is precisely what they are going to get. Now what I need from you are ideas for making a living environment utterly disgusting. Please write a few suggestions to let me and the world know how to fight fire with fire (or in this case how to be just as disgusting as these two).

You may be wondering what the anti-conformist conformist part is. Well, the two that I live with try to live their life as if they are not part of a group and they actually try to do things that aren’t acceptable to the rest of society (i.e. live in squabble). So they live by a type of creed that says, “I am not part of the group I am my own person and free to do what I want!” Well, this sounds quite grandiose but when you look at how they interact with the rest of the group (there are probably twenty of them) they tend to act in accordance with that anti-conformist group. Thus they, the anti-conformist, conform to be a group. So we essentially have a group of disgusting people who act disgusting as a means of rebelling against the group.

So there you have. I live not only within disgusting conditions but also with moronic people who perpetuate these disgusting conditions with moral conviction. I honestly believe that these two just use this mindset as a means to cover up for laziness and ignorance.

Once again, please join me on my crusade to enlighten these two morons. Write a suggestion.

Ok so I doubt my roomate is as bad as any of the people that I have geard so far, but I spose I should try and get some advice on the matter. We are both out of state kids and we are both from the same state, and up until about a month ago we were fine, he was my best friend here, then he just started being a dousche bag, he is THE biggest hypocrite that I have ever met, and then if you talk to him and your oppinion doesn't match his, then he just calls you ignorant. I have a really short temper and when he pulls that shit I loose it, so I try not to talk to the kid. He constantly sits in the bathroom and smokes pot by himself, and then comes out and eats all the food in the house and leaves the kitchen looking like shit, even though last week he about cryed when there were some dishes in the sink and nobody else did them, he even left a sign above the sink telling us to do our own fucking dishes when he had a couple pots with macaroni and shit sitting in there. This last weekend I went out and partied with some of my friends, only to come back in the morning to the house completley fucking trashed, he likes to eat peanuts and a good 5 foot square of carpet in our room was covered in fucking peanut shells because the cup he put them in overflowed and he just kept throwing them there like they would disappear, he refused to clean them, so I ended up doing it. He went to a pretty succesful gigh school where there football team ussually did good, and that is ALL you hear this kid talk about, about all the great people he played with and how his team could beat yours, he always has something on that has to do with his high school, the kid doesn't own a pair of pants, other then a pair of pj's that are supposed to look like jeans and he thinks they really are jeans, and we live in the fucking mid west! He thinks he is the foremost expert in any subject that gets brought up, and if you can prove him wrong, he proceeds to say that what you found on a reliable source is wrong. He also thinks he knows about every law ever made because his dad is a cop back home, I mean I like his dad, but his son is a fuckin dousche bag, can anybody give me any advice on how to deal with this kind of roomate?

You missed one. I've had two of these and they have to be mentioned, although I only think this applies to male <> male roomate situations.

"The Gamma Male"

Guy can't pick up a chick for his life, yet always talks about this hot girl that is going to come over or that hot girl that he's chatting with online, or some chick thats going to come across the country (Yes all of these things I've expereinced with TWO roomates now) to stay for a week and would that be OK.

Problem is, your the one shagging in your room almost daily and Mr. Gamma Male roomate sits in his room stewing about how he deserves her more than you do. They guy will make dumb subtle passes at your girlfriend when your not around or on facebook and will try to please her at the same time as he pisses YOU off.

Eventually, Mr. Gamma Male's rationalizations become too much. In order to make up for his jerk-off complex (which is reaching raging proportions because he can hear the thumping going on periodically in your room and he's forgotten what the real thing is like) he eventually thinks that he's superior to you in every single way, you get sneers and jeers and dirty looks.

Problem is, there's a reason this guy is the "Gamma Male", and you're the Alpha. He's a slob, never showers, his room is a smelly sticky disaster (read above about the complex), and all he does is watch porn in his room, chat online and on the phone to girls. When he does go out with you and you try to help the sucker out, the girls that were "interested in him" come to you begging you to tell them that they are not interested, when you refuse, they make out with some roid monkey and dance 3 feet in front of him hoping he gets the hint, which he never ever does. In fact he somehow blames you because he caught a glimpse of you talking to her, never mind that she's in some roid monkey's arms as he's whining.

Eventually the guy doesnt give a damn about everything and leaves everything to be a complete disaster, high on drugs or drunk all the time, trying to scare your girlfriend off, which eventually starts to work, because she didn't "do the right thing" and dump you for him. I actually had one of my 2 Gamma Male experiences end with a guy emailing my girlfriend about how I had cheated on her a few times, he took two little one nighters when I was hammered and my girl lived into a different city and turned it into a four page novel.

The only way out :: get rid of the Gamma Male. He will hold on forever just to spite you so you will have to take every legal means to evict the lazy slob or move out. Gamma Male comes across very well as an Alpha or Beta male when you first meet him -- although once you've lived with him for four or five months and he starts getting upset that you want to hang out with chicks all the time he starts to get quirky -- then you notice that he hasn't had a single girl over for four or five months.

I rented this place with a "Gamma Male" and the total lunacy became immediately apparent to me when this young little dirty cutie knocked on the door and asked for him. I figured it was his lucky day, and grabbed him and practically dragged him to the friggin door to meet this "lady in red". Dumb idiot just blew her off.

To prove a point to him, I invited her in afterwards and shagged her that very night twice and then the next morning. She went home and cleaned up, came back and shagged my cousin that night in his truck in the parking lot of the liquor store - I had told my cuz the story and it was just to prove a point: dont play headgames with a slut. And dont turn down a slut to jerk off instead.

How do you get rid of the roommate who never takes a shower and disregards hygiene completely.

in case of zombies break glass?

Well, here I thought I had it bad. we've got the crazy type living out back in a tiny shed that the landlord plunked down on the property.

He is very much into the new age scene, thinks that he has been a guru to many people and can't understand why the few people that do actually come to him as seekers (?) don't come back. EVER.

On his second day in the house he asks if I could stop whistling in the hallways as it is disturbing his meditations. I tell him all right. Then he starts complaining about my guitar playing, its acoustic and generally no louder than your average radio.

Once he moved out to the hut he began dragging in wooden pallets that he'd taken from wherever, whenever someone went somewhere in the back garden, which he considers his despite the fact that this is where the clothesline is, a pallet would soon be put up to stop anyone doing it again. Naturally I tested it out a couple of times and now he has blocked off pieces of the back garden and nailed the pallets together so that they can not be shifted.

Now right next to his hut is where I've been parking my motorcycle since I came to this place, I didn't like to use the garage because the roller door made such a hideous noise when used and I was being considerate. I come home from work yesterday and find that he has piled a couple of pallets right in my parking space.
So I move them and park normally. 10 minutes later I'm getting some breakfast - I work nights - and I see him pushing my bike down the driveway and parking it out on the street.

I take the bike back down the driveway and knock on his door telling him that this is my parking space and what the hell did he think he was doing?
He starts going on about his comfort zone and how he likes it quiet which is something that he can't have when my bike is parked there and I'm singing and whistling when I'm going off to work.

He then proceeded to start rambling and attempting to draw me away from the subject no matter what.
He told me:
If this was Romania then I would be beaten up for distirbing the peace - my answer was "This is fucking New Zealand"
He went on about the hut and how he paid more rent than I did - "When I'm paying rent to you then you can do whatever you want but you don't own this house"
He tried to get me into a debate about the landlord

The whole time this is going on he is getting very much in my face and I could tell that what he really wanted me to do was take a swing at him so that he could call the landlord and get me kicked out.

In the end I took a step back and called the landlord who came down and blasted him about moving my bike. but this wanker pulled the same trick of changing the subject and also getting angry at the landlord so that he gave up as well.

The punchline to all this is that whenever I am out getting on my bike I am now at the level of a broadway musical where before I was just humming a little tune. I am now also using the garage with the roller door which is even rustier than before.

PS: He is a skinny little man with little, if any, combat training (the type to go to a couple of lessons and then claim that he's a black belted master)
I, on the other hand, work security, fight with swords - not larping - and attend Judo classes (blue belt, in case you were wondering).

-This piece included for my own ego. you don't have to read it :) -
I am smart enough not to start anything but if it comes down to a fight I'm going to drop him hard and keep him on the ground while I call the landlord and then the police.

I don't have a word to describe my roommate. But I could use some advice on what to do and how to get rid of him.

For starters he's a "know it all", no matter what you've been through in life he's been through worse. He always has to top you and get the last word. He acts like he has complete control over everyone. Frequently moves and uses your shit after you've asked him at least a hundred times not to! Constantly leaves messes...fucking everywhere. Uses all the paper towels/toilet paper, etc and doesn't replace anything, because he says he's poor, but he's got money for pot and other useless shit. Smokes weed in the house when you've asked him not to because it's illegal and if the cops show up everyone gets in trouble and I work for the government, so I would lose my job! If things aren't going his way he threatens to not clean, but he doesn't anyway! He's so fucking lazy it's unbelievable and he's a complete fucking hypocrite.

That's a small list. I could go on and on. Then to top it off his girlfriend is here 3-4 nights out of the week. Our electric bill has gone up significantly, but not because of her, no that couldn't possibly be why. And of course she won't pay for part of the rent or electric, because she's not on the lease, but she's here all of the fucking time! The landlord won't do anything about it even though she has been informed and also pays for water and wants to know why that has increased. Ugh duh. OMG, it just frustrates me and I feel trapped.

What can I do to get him the hell out of here???

Matthew J. Price's picture

I feel for ya. Aside from the drugs, I have two roommates with a similar list of negatives. One is a 22 year old visually-impaired douche who, despite the fact that he flunked out of college twice, acts as if he knows everything. Just because he googles shit, he fancies himself an expert. He will argue to the death over even the most frivolous things, he possesses a manipulative personality type, he never showers, constantly uses every unethical ploy he can to get his proverbial foot in the door, constantly insults both my and my older roommate's intelligence, loves to use guilt trips, and to top it all off, thinks his life experience is the only life experience that matters. Whenever he doesn't get his way on an issue, he accuses both me and my older roommate of being selfish and/or cowardly, he believes he has some kind of entitlement(in spite of being the youngest by a long shot) to act paternalistic and condescending towards the two of us, and he simply will not stop egging on a situation until you either get mad( in which case he calls you petty despite being angry for good reason) or you stop arguing in which case he will infer that he has won the argument and that you are being unresponsive and whiny because you are out of ammo which in turn will prompt him to further egg on a situation. He also accuses people of being closed-minded simply so he can manipulate them into doing things he likes. It should also be said that the man is a dyed in the wool hypocrite who possesses a messianic personality and accuses people who try to build bridges of having no moral compass. Everything is black and white with this person until it becomes inconvenient for him. I moved out of my father's house to get away from someone with his personality type just to land in the same situation again.

My other roommate exacerbates issues by sidelining any grievances I may have against my younger roommate and even helps in goading on a situation. In spite of all this, they both expect me to continue living with them and to even send half my paycheck to them after I ship off to RTC. I feel as if I am no better off than I was when I moved in with them almost two years ago. I've tried everything I could to prove to them that I am not like their former roommates and it has just become a rat's race in which my dignity and self-esteem are being drug through the mud.

recently have rented room to a person. I had checked his history. with little success. It turns out he is a exmethuser. he is concivted fellon. Last night he threatend me with intent to harm. He also uses medical mj. But he is able to go diving and mountain bike. he talks so fast and errupts in explosive outburst on his phone. to his kids his parents, now me. I want him out of my house. He says he no longer uses meth. really? Im afraid of him. 911 is at my finger tips, who says they would get here in time. hate drug addicts and trust no one

i had a stranger i met a few times move in she seemed nice and we got along great in the begining.
turns out she failed to mention she was pregnant and she hid from me a few weeks and then when i leave for mexico for a week she tells me while im over there that she has a boy.. she also doesnt pay for common use things such as dishwasher tabs, soap, toliet paper and she helps herself to my shit. ive had to ask her many times not to. she also has cleaned maybe twice in the past 4months. and i left several notes and texts asking her to help out because i work two jobs and when i come home i shouldnt have to pick up after her.

im also debating calling the spca on her. she has a cat she keeps locked in her room no food no water its litter box is so overflown its shitting on the floor i saw today because i opened the door to let it out because it was meowing at the door. upon opening the always closed door there is NINE FLIES circling the room the and THREE garbabge bags full of shit with a pregnancy test sticking out of them, and she always leaves dried period blood on the toilet. i gave her a months notice to get out last month so she leaves at the end of october because we didnt get along and i knew she was a slob but i have a fear that her dirty ass is going to get bugs in my apartment.

what i learnt people are disgusting, not good people, and it will be a while i will rent out a spare room to save a few hundred dollars.

My roommate is a rare creature, he never turns of the lights when he comes home or leaves the house, he never ever cleans anything and feels that putting dishes in the sink is considered cleaning, uses last roll of toilet paper and will actually get a new one to replace it, but will just set it on top of the toiled and not bother to change the actual rolling device. This is my house and I mortgage it, hes just renting 2 rooms which he will only clean those 2 rooms and not care about the rest of the house tracking in mud, filling up garbage using my bottled water and when I ask him that he should buy the next water bottle he simply says that he does not use water from the bottle but he always uses it. Biggest problem with my roommate is if you point anything out to him he always denies it when clearly at fault, instead of just saying oh ok, sorry i will clean my mess, he will deny it like his life depends on it and always try to blame his mess on other people.

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Mike Lamb's picture

It's true. They dominate the field of jeans like a Nazi dominatrix on a coke bender. They beat the competition into submission, then piss on them and call them worthless pigs. I've seen it happen. I fear True Religion Jeans, and would not wish to invoke their wrath.

True religion 70% off. I guess that only makes them 9 pieces of silver.

Mike Lamb's picture

Hey Court, do me a favor. Whenever you delete these spam posts, delete my replies along with it. I no longer support the true religion.

I know mine doesnt sound quite as bad as some of the other ones it extremely pisses me off. So ever since i moved in here in September, it is now March, my TWIN room mates upstairs have treated me like crap. It doesnt matter how hard i try they are still bitchy to me. When they want something they leave notes on the fridge like clean your dirty dishes or other shit like that (thats for both my nice room mate and me). The other day i left a note asking them to turn the lights out when they are done in rooms because im tired of turning them out every single time i come into the house or leave my room. The response rip the note off the fridge, and i suppose, throw it out, and wait for me to go outside for a short walk and lock the top lock of the door (the bottom locks automatically) and turn the living room and hall light on light on. It doesnt matter how bright the house is the lights will still be on.
One night i brought my boyfriend home and he was going to help me with an assignment that i had then leave. They told me hes not allowed to stay overnight without everyones permission. I told them he wasnt staying over night and that was pretty much the end of it. I got a call from my mom who was e-mailed from our landlords saying hes not allowed in the house anymore and that everyones parents are uncomfortable with his age. Hes 7 years older than us.
My nice room mate also isnt allowed to have her boyfriend over every weekend because the twins dont want him here that often. I told the landlords when they asked that i dont care that hes over. Hes now only allowed over one weekend a month.
In the prosses of all this shit they removed all the stuff they brought from the kitchen they dont want my nice room mate and me using. I was fine with that except for the fact that i am positive they are using my kettle, and im pretty sure they are using my ketchup and maybe some other things.
Ever since we moved in here in September they havent made any friends, and last i saw they shared a bedroom, and the only time they are in separate rooms is when they are working on homework.
I love the house but i hate living with the twins. How can i get rid of them?

My roomate is literally crazy. As in she doesn't take her meds cause its not "her". She "washes dishes" whitch means rinsing so it sucks to have to go through the dishes al the time to re-wash them. She will rince her dishes and leave the pots and pans on the stove. She takes up the whole kitchen counters and table with her bread maker, icecream making, toaster oven and blender... she used the blender one last month... and that is just the kitchen!
she thinks the lviving room is her room and leaves all her stuff out. She decorates our livivng room with barbie dolls < theres four out there now> and elf dolls < creepier then it sounds>. She openly tells me how her monthly period is doing. I think she might be obsessed with me cause she will wait in the kitchen sitting at the table and as soon as I get out of my room she starts a conversation with me. Like she has nothing in front if her shes just sitting...
She steals my towel to dry herself off, she has never bought toilet paper or paper towels, thinks out fridge is her fridge and to top it off last week she stole my pillow and slept with it. she openly tells me she goes in ym room. I found on our kitchen table my huge earasable marker that i know I had in the drawer in my end table, where I keep very precious items of mine. I want her out but don't know how to go about it.. any suggestions??

my roommate is a a gem, probably not as bad as some of the above. shes from California and walks in every day speaking like she got a high pitched microphone in her voicebox,sometimes even sound like she is screeching, whines about everything that does not suit her fancy. #2, she is messy, leaves her dishes/pots around despite us having a dishwasher and leaves crumbs on the kitchen counter,never closes the cabinet doors when she opens a cupboard, i figured all that must be back breaking for her to do. #3 She stares at me in disapproval when i come out of the room to use my bathroom, we have two. And when i asked her about it, she goes off saying she feels like a dog when i don't say hi to her when i go to the bathroom despite seeing her. #4 Whines and Accuses me of using her cooking oil(which was actually mine) because in her warped mind, hers must be oil gold in a bottle from brunei or the middle East, and then proceeds to use my olive oil when she runs out of oil (which still wasn't hers). #5 Talks about cleaning on sunday when shes the messy/ridiculous one. #5, tells me im pissed off when im busy in my room reading and studying and burnt out from my 4 hour daily commute from Manhattan to Westchester County. #6 Tells me to pick up American manners such as saying hello and that i am not surrounded by Asians and ends it with a bang by telling me she is known to be very polite. I was extremely impressed. #7 Cries, bitches and moans to her boyfriend about EVERYTHING esp when she feels ignored, mind you she is in her mid twenties. #8 Gives her unwanted opinion about everything when she talks about nothing. #9 wanted to constantly do group shit together on weekends. #10. Tries to pry information out from my partner when she hears us arguing in the morning #11 Hints to people how to eat right when she has a weight problem. #12 Short changes people deliberately. #13 . Has exceedingly obnoxious friends who she invites over and expects me and acknowledge them, when they use my bathroom like it is their right. #14. Accuses me of walking into her room with my shoes, when she and her boyfriend were the ones who brought my shoes into their room due to having a house party. #15, gets on the phone and calls me a bitch and constantly talks sideways and acts surprised and baffled when asked about the things she said.

I have three roommates, and a squatter. The squatter is an asshole when he gets drunk, and thinks he is better than everyone else. Sadly for someone as stupid as him, as well as immature (even when sober), he is part of their family and I am their outsider.

Last night, the squatter came home hammered and freaked out because my cat had a hairball. Waking up an ex-SF soldier in the middle of a dead sleep is like sticking your head in the jaws of a hungry and severely pissed off grizzly bear. To make situation worse he kicked my cat and hurt him. Needless to say, had I retaliated back I most likely would have killed him.

We had a nice little discussion tonight where I was pretty much the bad guy for being in his way and not training my cat better. It's a fucking cat, they do as they please and train your cat from not having hairballs? This coming from people who have two cats themselves.

I was reminded that that they are a family and I am the odd man out so I have to deal... Granted they are going to pay for my vet bills I am not going to put up with this shit, and if it continues I am coming down on them.

I simply want a place to stay while I finish up my undergrad. Not a fucking saloon with drunken assholes freaking out when life doesn't go along with their pampered plans.

FYI... how do people with little to no income rally up a tab at the bars for 150 each night?

Yeah that is how much two of the three, and the squatter drink.

I have the room mate from hell. She is a spolit, manipulative lying little cow who has an unfavourable opinion on everyone and everything. Has never worked in her entire life and will end up in daddy's firm with her lower 2.2 and bad mouths the community she's from. This legal aid clientele will put the designer labels on her feet and back. Obvoiusly the dictum "never bite the hands that feed" has by-passed her!
When I arrived, my predecessor left after a day, plus she caused a huge argument with ALL 5 residents in the house next-door. She is the silent assassin, back stabber, manipulator who sits there in a calm plausible voice putting her version of events to management. And the gullible fools fall for it. Since when is an law student a qualified shrink?
She is selfish. The other two sort-sighted clowns that support her can't see through this control freak. When they shop, she makes sure all her stuff is put in the freezer first whilst they struggle for space. Their cups and bowls are used, never hers. She sets up a cleaning rota and changes it without consultation so she can avoid the shit jobs. Talk about unassertive.
Me? I stood up to her and she didn't like it one bit. Get over it bitch.

Why can't my roommate be the same type or compatibility with me.

Me: aka the Nerd or geek
Maximum schedule
Hard Major
Lots of studying
CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS (even the evil roommates)

My roommate: aka The party student
Drinks a lot in the dorm room.
Party a lot in the dorm room.
Takes my laundry out before drying.
Spread nasty rumors.
Has a Easy major that anyone probably could get!
Plays loud major.

* I hate my roommate also thanks for making this blog it helped blow of so stream.

*** The worst possible combination... I should of known this would never have worked.

My roommate is a slut. Shes a sad, desperate creature who finds joy in calling the cops on me once or twice a month.

My roomate it's a chinese girl who judges me for everything I do and I'm starting to get fucking sick and tired! Can't do a shit in my own room without knowing she is going to get fucking mad, she is grumpy as hell, which gets eventually really annoying.

I have snoring problems which I am trying to stop because of her, because i know it must be difficult to sleep with someone snoring next to you. I even tried to sleep down stairs in the floor because she always complains and bitches with her other chinese friends. It kind of hurts me because i am trying.

I really want to get rid of her, she is also loud as fuck.
I don't know what do to! she might me not polite and tell me things like "i can't stand your snoring" or yelling "shut up" in the middle of the night but when she is loud as fuck I can't say anything because i don't want any more problems with her!

what should i do?

I live with a girlfriend that thinks her dreams are real. She thinks I piss on all the food, and also yells at me every morning claiming that the apartment smells like other women. She's on disability for schizophrenia, but I think she just can't delineate dreams from reality.

I have done everything in my power to make this work, and we've only just started our year lease about 12 days ago. There are no other women here, but when I had to go to the hospital a week or so ago, she cheated on me and rubbed it in my face while I was in the hospital.

Sick and fucked up, and I have no clue how to oust her because I do care about her. God damn it.

Hey, so what do you call the roomates that have to involve you in every single thing they do or say ? :P