By contributing writer Pat Francart
The good roommate is a rare and elusive creature, greatly outnumbered by the annoying bastard roommate. If you wind up with one of these annoying bastards, you may feel like confronting him, or you may feel like moving out. The problem is that you shouldn’t feel like doing anything. He’s the annoying bastard, not you. You just want some peace, and maybe a little less idiot hanging around all the time. “What can I do?” you ask. “I will tell you,” I say, “for I am a kind and just god.”
So you move in to find that 50% of your living space is being taken up by 100% douchebag. What do you do? You force him out. You might ask, “Well, why don’t I just move out?” Well, jackass, that’s what pussies do. You can’t take his shit. You’ve got to step it up.
To successfully step it up, you’ve got to determine what kind of bad roommate you have, and then deal with him based on his personality. What follows is a pretty comprehensive list of all the shithead roommates out there.
This is the guy with all the local sports team jerseys and t-shirts and baseball caps and underoos. He’s got blankets with your school’s insignia on it; he’s got posters, mousepads, the school newspaper. He’s also a moron. He smiles a lot and probably smells like way too much Axe. He can’t read or do math, so he’s probably out of there in a semester or two anyway. He won’t fall for simple tactics because he’s too stupid to get the hint.
Ousting the Dumbass
-Read all the time.
-Develop a hunch back.
-Stick a calculator in your back pocket and start wearing glasses.
-Creep around the room like you’re some kind of spider. Then slowly start throwing out all his shit.
-Breathe heavily through your mouth.
The Polite Guy
This is the creep who goes out of his way to be nice and make conversation. He’s the guy who’s always trying to talk to you no matter how few real opinions he has. He’s probably in a bunch of your classes. You could just take advantage of him and make him buy all your food and toilet paper for you, but then you’d have to deal with his suffocatingly considerate personality.
Ousting the Polite Guy
-Become really intense and get pissed when he tries to talk to you.
-Keep a consistent scowl on your face.
-Squeeze your hands into fists when he speaks and try to shake a lot.
-Always appear that you’re on the verge of some kind of violent explosion.
-Spend all of your time in your dorm room and make it appear that you don’t leave.
-Let him catch you staring angrily at his stuff once or twice.
-Get some red duct tape and tape a line across the floor when he’s not around; don’t tell him its purpose. If he or any of his shit crosses it, lose your mind and start screaming and foaming at the mouth.
The Ladies Man
If you’re not this guy, you’re pissed. He’s the dude who has chicks in the room constantly and you’re forced to wait around while he nails them. He probably stuffs it in your face every chance he gets.
Ousting the Ladies Man
-Stay in the room 24/7.
-Never wear any clothes.
The TV Guy
This dude has spent all summer getting attached to a bunch of bullshit reality TV shows and now he watches them constantly. He checks out all the spin-off webisodes online and his desktop wallpaper is probably The Hills themed. He talks constantly unless the TV is on.
Ousting the TV Guy
-Wait until he’s not in the room and toss the TV out the fucking window. If he asks about it, tell him you couldn’t take his shit anymore and there was nothing for you to do but toss the TV out the fucking window. Start crying.
The Posse Leader
These people are usually comic book geeks who hang around with the crappiest group of people on the planet (anime fans). They always smell like they never bathe and they definitely wear those dumbass thick-rimmed glasses.
Ousting the Posse Leader
-Wait until he leaves and then drag all his shit out into the hall. Barricade the door and Febreze the hell out of that place.
The Covert Shitter
This is the weird dude who doesn’t want you to know he’s taking a dump. If you have communal bathrooms, The Covert Shitter isn’t someone you have to worry much about. This is the guy that creeps into the bathroom and turns on the faucet while he tries to silently pinch one off. This behavior is just plain creepy. Does he think he’s fooling everyone into thinking he never shits?
Ousting the Covert Shitter
-Kick down the door when he’s covert shitting and scream “I knew it!”
-Point and laugh and tell everyone about his “crappy day.”
-Take pictures and put them on Facebook.
The Regular Guy
This roommate is so normal it’s disgusting. You could look through all of his belongings and find nothing that distinguishes him from anyone else. His interests are everything. He barely talks and is so submissive that he’ll let you do anything. He’s such a cipher that your friends probably don’t know he exists.
Ousting the Regular Guy
-You’ll just have to move out. The Regular Guy is fucking impenetrable.
The Crazy Guy
If you’re lucky, you’ll wind up with an easily categorized roommate. If God hates you, however, you might end up with The Crazy Guy. He’s the kind with the strange tics who never responds to your attempts to drive him away. Ousting The Crazy Guy can be quite a chore. Usually, no matter what kind of irritation you throw at him he springs back with something equally aggravating. Don’t give up hope. You’ll just have to one-up him at every creepy quirk.
Ousting the Crazy Guy
-Assault his belongings.
-Start hoarding his stuff.
-Take his food while he’s sleeping.
-Buy a label gun and start sticking your name to all his stuff.
-Develop odd tics.
-Start squawking like a bird uncontrollably.
-Perch on your desk chair like it’s a branch and start pecking at the keyboard with your face. If he asks you about your behavior, return to normal and insist you don’t know what he’s talking about.
-Start taking showers that last an hour or more.
-Use your computer for nothing but porn.
-Always hunch over the keyboard like a hungry animal.
-Follow him wherever he goes.
-Stare him down when he talks to you.
-Make it appear that his eyes are hypnotic.
-Develop night terrors. Scream and thrash in your sleep.
-Don’t let anyone ever take pictures of you; cameras steal your soul.
-Develop a sweet tooth and always ask him if he could perhaps spare a caramel or maybe some delicious chocolates?
-Make diseases the topic of every conversation.
-Start wearing his clothes.
If none of this works, you’ll have to just kill him.
Remember, no one has feelings but you. Don’t worry about hurting your terrible roommates; they need to learn how to not suck so badly. Drive them out and live happy.