The guy who invented the cell phone was a fucking asshole. Oh, sure, when the concept of mobile communication was first dreamt up, it was a glorious utopia of total connectivity. The reality, however, is that technology has turned us into a society of downward-gazing, slack-jawed voyeurs. There’s a good chance that as we continue to evolve with technology, our elbows will fuse. Ceasing to be joints, they will serve as nothing more than organic tripods to aid in the taking of ironically terrible pictures of food we would have eaten if it appealed to us, children we would have had if we hated ourselves, and significant others we must placate by providing photographic proof of their existence as if the taking and sharing of a photo is tantamount to Juliet’s refusal to continue on without her lover.

When did we become so serpentine that we must contort ourselves so as to remain in all social circles at all times? Why in the fucking hell do I care that your sister had twins? I hate children and there’s a good chance that if I’m not in constant contact with your sister I hate her too. Unless you’re announcing genuine remorse for continuing to overcrowd the planet, I have no interest in seeing 30 new pictures of a basketball in a pink or blue knit cap.

While we’re here, let me also make you aware that I don’t care what you ate for lunch, I don’t give a fuck how "gangsta" you think you are crouching next to your "pimpin’ ride," and I’d rather make love to an iron maiden than see one more picture of a cat thinking something droll. Let me also make it clear that I never claimed to be unique in my distaste for these things, I only claim to be much angrier about them.

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When did we become so symbiotic? So serpentine that we must contort ourselves so as to remain in all social circles at all times? Sure, it’s reasonable to stay closely connected with long-time friends, and obviously our lovers and partners expect a certain amount of attention, but why must your phone remain on the table while we drink coffee? Has it been your experience that the act of removing the phone from your pocket or purse to see a new "like" or text message is so emotionally draining that it negates the euphoria of the moment? Does it make you feel safe to know that if for one nano second I don’t enthrall you, then you can be stimulated momentarily by a duck-facing tart on your newsfeed?

If you want to communicate in person, that is fantastic and at the same time soul-crushingly rare. If, on the other hand, you are one of the masses to whose palm an electronic device must always be fused, then please do us a favor before engaging in conversation and shove your phone up your fucking ass. I promise, that sepia-toned picture of your bowels will have tens of likes within minutes.

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