1. Settlers of Catan, Grandma Lilly
Ah, the nu-classic board game – fuel for countless double dates and dinner parties, as well as a catalyst to end friendships – like mine own with Grandma Lilly.
You see, this game of strategy, conniving, and backstabbing is one of my all-time favorites that brings me as much joy as it does overwhelming anger. But no, Grandma Lilly had to send me an informational pamphlet on the “organization” “Students for Ben Carson” and would not stop insisting he was the man for the job. In reality, a Carson presidency would have meant the end of all wheat, trees, bricks and rocks.
Though, with Trump, that probably will still happen.
2. Osprey Xenith 105 Backpack, Uncle Andy
As an avid hiker and outdoorsman, I know that quality gear is of the utmost importance when trekking through the wilderness – my Uncle Andy taught me as much and is the reason for my love of the great outdoors, and now, ironically, my distaste for Uncle Andy. He knew I planned on traveling to Peru in the summer, and this bag was number one on my trip wish list.
If only he didn’t decide to post “We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!” on Facebook, along with other alt-right memes that categorically conclude obliterating entire groups of people would solve all of American’s problems. It’s a shame, because the purchase meant he no longer wanted to vaporize South America.
3. Home Brew Kit, my girlfriend Sarah
I’m a HUGE craft beer guy, and when I saw this at a local brewery during a vacation to Colorado, I knew I’d brew an amazing IPA or double IPA or triple IPA. Plus, I’ve recently mulling over becoming a professional craft brewer considering I don’t really know what I want to do with my life but beer sounds cool.
Sadly, Sarah brought that singularly unique dream crashing down when she informed me that she didn’t even vote. At all. And never has. Ever. But that if she did, she would’ve voted for Jill Stein. Which is why I parted ways with the kit, and our five-year relationship.
I would “pour some out” in remembrance of the good times, but I can’t.
4. Kitchen Aid, Mom
Bless her heart, this was passed down from Grandma Lilly to my mom and has been churning out quality foods for over 45 years despite being used – at this point – thousands of times.
Sadly, I will not be adding my own reps to the sturdy tool, as my mother is a staunch proponent of homeopathy and is a visible leader in the anti-vaccine movement. I often envisioned a future where Sarah and I would raise a family, cooking wholesome meals with the selfsame storied instrument, but knowing that my mom prefers healing wounds with herbs and that she regrets letting me be given a measles vaccine makes it impossible for me to accept the gift, despite how hungry and disease-free I am.
5. $2500, Student Loan Fulfillment Services
Getting a college degree was going to be one of my crowning achievements and while the thought of being in debt for twenty years wasn’t the most appealing, by rejecting this $2,500 as well as all subsequent loans, I’ll at least have the clear conscience derived from no longer funding a university that is backed by big pharma, big oil, and Nestle. My student union’s plans to influence our university into divesting from the hyper-rich planet destroyers have obviously failed, and while I love having the necessary funds to pay for school, buy clothing, and keep a roof over my head, I can no longer accept their dirty money. That means I should probably start looking for trade schools, or just become a plumber. At least I’d be dealing with physical – instead of metaphorical – shit.