11 Things We Still Haven't Figured Out Yet (and It's Almost 2011)

Meteorologist showing a radar map that looks like a penis and balls

Another year is almost down, and it amazes me how much shit we still haven't figured out, given all the modern advances and technology available today. But here I stand, utterly baffled and disappointed. Here are some things I need you to work on, 2011.

1. A Cure for the Common Cold

So let me fucking see if I understand... you're telling me if I take these three pills twice a day for 45 days, my cholesterol will be normal, I'll mysteriously shed 35 pounds, I'll be able to crush catsup (nobody spells it like that) packets with my pecks, I'll go back to having "regular" movements, and my cock will be able to do 17 pull-ups... but you can't figure out a cure for the common cold?! It sucks because whenever people feel miserable I believe they have the right to bitch about it. But the truth is, it's just a cold. It's not like you can bitch about having a cold to a cancer patient.

We live in an age where we can DVR, stream, or download movies; so tell me why I want to take out a loan to see "Twilight XVII: Rise of the Zombie Vampire Transformers."Guy with a cold: "Man, you have no idea how I feel. I had to back out of our bowling league practice last night I was so sick."

Cancer Patient: "Are you fucking serious? Did you just fucking say that? You have a fucking cold, uh-oh, watch out, this guy could drop dead at any second now. Shut the fuck up. So you get to spend two days in a robe watching Oprah, fuck you! Pussy."

Guy with a cold: "Man, cancer patients are jerks."

2. Properly Functioning Cruise Control

Cruise control buttons in a car
From the cruise control lever, choose options like "Rescue," "Air Conditioning Conditioning," "All Set!" and "Coast" (turns engine off).
Now that cars are smart enough to park their damn selves, I'd have figured you could equip them with a computer that can figure out when they're going up a fucking hill. But no matter what, if you go up a hill with cruise control on, your 2009 Nissan Pathfinder sounds like a damn Ferrari running the 24 hours of Le Mans in first gear. And it makes you feel like a retard because all of a sudden your vehicle charges forward like a dog whose tail just got stepped on; then you realize you're going half the fucking speed of light and hit the brakes, so everyone on the highway looks at you like you're the biggest asshole in the world. Oh well, screw ‘em. "What the fuck are you looking at, you're driving a fucking Smart Car!"

3. Meteorologists Who Can Actually Do Something Right

Well here's a good one, WHY THE FUCK CAN'T WE PREDICT THE FUCKING WEATHER? Shit, at least get a fucking ballpark estimate. "Tomorrow's going to be a beautiful day; high's in the 70's, sunny, not a cloud in the sky." So when I go to the park to throw the Frisbee (what are you, gay?), and I'm standing in a waste deep river looking up at the sky thinking to myself "Is that hail? Sure looks like hail. Maybe I shou— fuck. Ow, fuck. Damnit!"

Well, Mr. Weatherman, don't be shocked when the lead anchor is reporting on some unidentified sniper taking shots at the dickhead in front of a blue screen. Here's a little trivia for ya: the word "meteorologist" comes from the Greek words "mete" (I am fucking full of shit), "orol" (but these fucking idiots will listen to me because), "ogist" (I have a fancy fucking sounding name).

4. Gas Pumps That Don't Take Forever

Gas pump suicide signOkay, now I realize that driving a full-size truck will take a while to fill with gas, but for fuck's sake, does it have to take that long? You could have a one gallon red gas container and it'd still take you four minutes to fill it up. What the fuck is in this piece of shit pump? It's like they have a fucking emphysemic midget with a hose sucking the gas up from the holding tank. Yet, I can go to the disgusting restroom in the gas station and the sink will put out water at a rate rival to any New York City fire truck.

And you wonder why I drive like a goddamned maniac. It's because I had to wait half an hour to fill my truck, got gas on my hands because the backflow sensor broke, then washed my hands off with the fucking riot control nozzle in the bathroom... oh, and it looks like I pissed all over myself.

5. Store Checkout Process That's Not a Bitch

You'd honestly think by now that there would be more efficient ways to check out at a store. Take Walmart for example. They have unbeatable prices and damn near everything. I need shotgun shells, plaster of Paris, a jar of gypsy tears, caviar, underwear, all the seasons of I Love Lucy on Blu-ray and a 50-gallon caldron. "Aisle 3, 12, 1 (next to the "Dragon's Breath" aerosol cans), 4, 14 (by the TVs), and aisle 9."

BUT, when it comes time to fuckin' check out you go to a bank of 15,000 registers and only two are open. The self-checkout, which is always a fuckin' riot, is usually occupied by some hillbilly with a mullet in jean shorts sporting a Bob Seger cut-off shirt scanning 300 quarts of motor oil one at a time and a second cart full of 30 gallons of Mountain Dew and "How to Spit and Not Hit the Side of the Truck, For Dummies" on paperback, all the while pressing the "service" button ‘cause "them thar chewin tobacca be locked up."

OR, the second register is run by ole Miss Daisy. "Is there a price on this?" Right there ma'am. "Is there a price on this one?" Right there ma'am. "Well this one won't scan." That's because you're using a returned stick of deodorant as the scan gun. "Oh...gee, I'm getting' old, ya know?" No ma'am, old people are getting old. They buy Buicks, move to a time share in Orlando, and spend their days walking around Disney World. You, on the other hand, are getting Jurassic; the Smithsonian should have you on exhibit.

6. Lower Movie Prices

Two adults and one child for "Brokeback Mountain II; Booty Log Jam, in 3D" please. "That'll be $392. Or, we can break it up into six easy payments of $72. However, if that adorable child of yours can stitch Nike logos onto soccer balls for seven Saturdays in a row, we can knock off eighty bucks."

The appeal of going to the movies simply isn't there anymore. An overpriced ticket, overpriced crappy food, all to sit in an auditorium with sticky floors and obnoxious people who think actors can take their directions as they yell at the screen. We live in an age where we can either On Demand, DVR, stream via Netflix, or for the more rebellious, illegally download; so tell me why I want to take out a loan to see "Twilight XVII: Rise of the Zombie Vampire Transformers."

"Why wouldn't you? Like, OMG, Edcob-bot is so totally hot!" Who the fuck is Edcob-bot? "Like, do you live in a glass house or something?" I don't think you used that the right way. "What-ever; like, Edward and Jacob both die defending Bella and then some witch doctor sews them together and gives them life again, but they like, can transform into a Prius; so like Bella is now with both men she loves, but they're like as one now, and she has an eco-friendly car. It's sooo sweet. Stephanie Meyer is like the Jane Austen of our century." ....I hope you get mauled by a coyote.

7. Cell Phones with Decent Reception

If your closest neighbor resides in the farm 15 miles from your farm, and his biggest claim to fame is passing legislature allowing him to fuck his livestock, well then I can understand having shitty cell reception. However, if in your neighborhood you see at least three minivans with these fucking queer little stick figure family people on the rear window, then there is no excuse to never have cell reception.

How the fuck is it that the Chinese can get dinner to my door before I'm done reading off my credit card number, yet this pizza delivery shit takes forever?You see, I live in the People's Republic of Roswell, Georgia and it's a great place to live (especially if you don't mind driving 7 mph behind a string of cyclists), but there are a few spots where I always lose reception (on multiple carriers). So once the call drops, I begin to play the callback game, where both me and the person I was talking to insist on calling each other at the exact same moment, so both of our phones default to voicemail. Then we both decide not to call and let the other person call, so both phones are silent for a few minutes... then we both call each other back at the exact same time... and we're back to voicemail.

So here I am with a phone that has an app that will turn into a set of lips and blow me while playing the newest song Tupac wrote from the grave, all the while updating my Twitter feed (#thehaitianactual @blowjob2.0forHTCEvo: lolz, must be cold), but I can't make a fucking phone call.

8. Healthy Food That Doesn't Suck

Real Coke taste, zero calories. (Oh shit! They're gonna sue us now!) Yeah, real Coke taste my ass; real Coke doesn't have the aftertaste of cough syrup and squirrel shit. "All right gents, we're going to launch this mini remote-controlled monster truck 35 to 250 million miles away to Mars, attach a bazillion mega-pixel camera to it and take some fucking high-res snapshots of dirt." Look, that's super-neato and all, but I'm probably going to have a stroke within five years, and I get an erection whenever I hear cellophane being unwrapped... mmmm, taco... or is it a crunchwrap... ooooh, maybe it's a chalupa. My point being, let's focus less on particle acceleration and pissing off the Pope than trying to make food relatively healthy... and not suck. ("It's called discipline, buddy.") Fuck you!

9. The Eradication of Checkbooks

Old woman writes a check at a grocery store
Writing a check: the #1 sign of an unbalanced person.
When you're behind someone in line who's writing a check, don't you just want to grab a heavy blunt object and beat them to near death? "What's today's date, sonny?" Well ma'am, I'm not fucking sure, I left my phone in the car, but it ends with 2010... so get with the damn program."

I'd like to look in their cart. Just what the hell does a check-writing person shop for? Hmmmm, let's see here, oooh, rock candy, elixir, and forty pounds of salt; I guess Pa's gotta cure some meat before the winter freeze sets in, and oh, what's this... a ball of twine. Can't ever have enough twine.

Even the Amish make fun of people who use checks. "Jebediah, did you see that old maid writing a check?" "Sure did, Papa, that ole bizzle was crizzle for shizzle." "Word, my son. Word." Oh crap, this is my last check; better telegram the bank and order some more.

10. Pizza Delivery That Doesn't Take So Long

"Thanks for calling Mr. Fucking Pizza, there are no specials tonight and you're our first caller! What can I get you tonight?" Yeah, I'd like a large pizza. "Okay, that'll be 13 bucks and will take about 20 minutes." Actually, can I get pepperoni and sausage on it, please? "Sure, that's $33.95 and will take just over 2 hours." Two fucking hours, are you kidding me?

Riddle me this, Batman, how the fuck is it that the Chinese can get my dinner to my door before I'm done reading off my fucking credit card number, yet this pizza shit takes forever? Okay, so on the unlikely chance that you're pedaling a fucking unicycle backwards up a hill the whole damn way, yeah, I can understand. "Yeah, all of our drivers took vacation on the same day, hahaha, what are the odds? The only two drivers we have available are Carl and Moe. Carl is from Ghana and drives a 1993 Ford Focus about 10,000 mph, but he'll end up zipping up and down your street about 200 times passing your house. Or there's Moe. Moe is a paraplegic ferret." Then they get butt-hurt when you don't tip. Look, pecker-head, I ordered a fucking pizza, not a frozen, petrified, pizza-looking paperweight. Maybe if you hadn't stopped at 15 fucking houses first like you're on a damn paper route, I might be eating this pizza rather than using it to patch a hole in my sheetrock.

11. TV Programming Worth a Damn

So there are basically a zillion fucking channels, and at least half a zillion HD channels, but the fact is, there's never a fucking thing worth watching.

Discovery Channel:

  • "Look it's a Monster....Nah, Just Kidding"
  • "Look it's a Ghost...Nah, Just Kidding"
  • "Have You Seen My Ghost?"
  • "This Haunted House is Scaryish"
  • "Holy Fuck, Look at that Monster Someone Videotaped with a Fucking Camera from 200 B.C. So You Can't Make Out a Goddamned Thing"

HD Theatre:

  • "Africa, in HD"
  • "Antarctica, in HD"
  • "Nature, in HD"
  • "Close-Ups of a Blade of Grass, in HD"
  • "Hey Dipshit, Stick Your Fucking Head Outside Instead of Watching This Bullshit, in HD"

History Channel:

  • "Nostradamus Effect"
  • "Nostradamus Prophecy"
  • "The Nostradamus Hoax"
  • "Did Nostradamus Ever Wear Shorts?"
  • "Nostradamusitus"
  • "Nostradamus Does Dallas"

Bravo:

  • "Queer-Gear"
  • "2 Queers and a Beer"
  • "This Queer Old House"
  • "Queer-Food"
  • "Kathy Griffin, I'm Queer"
  • "Top Queer"
  • "The Queer Househusbands of Key West"

E!:

  • "Crazy Bitches"
  • "Fucking Crazy Bitches"
  • "Bitch, You Crazy"
  • "Deese Bitches Trippin'"
  • "Some Homo Talking ‘Bout Crazy Bitches"
  • "Bitch, WTF RU Wearin'?"

TLC:

  • "Family with 8 Kids"
  • "Family with 15 Kids"
  • "Midgets with Kids"
  • "Kids with Midgets" ("they like to be called ‘little people'")
  • "Little People with Midgets"

CBS:

Hahaha, nobody watches CBS. They could show hardcore anal porn and never get reported.

HGTV:

  • "Look at This Fucking House"
  • "Shit for Your Husband to Do"
  • "What a Fun Project for Him"
  • "Easy Shit You Can Do, If You're a Fucking Engineer"
  • "How to Turn Your Coat Closet into a Spaceship"

ABC:

  • "Grey's Anatomy"
  • "Grey's Anatomy Spin-Off"
  • "A Show Just Like Grey's Anatomy, But Not in a Hospital"
  • "Lovey Lovey Love Love"
  • "Family Woohoo Love Tree Acoustic Guitar Starbucks"

MTV:

  • "17 and Pregnant"
  • "16 and Pregnant"
  • "15 and Pregnant"
  • "Preteen and Pregnant"
  • "Pregnant Babies"
  • "Pregnant Babies with Rabies"


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Andrei Trostel's picture

I started literally laughing out loud and not in the trite bullshit way at, "It's like they have a fucking emphysemic midget with a hose sucking the gas up from the holding tank."

By the end of the T.V. programing it was getting hard to read through the tears of laughter.

Nicely done Martin

Martin Stanley's picture

Andrei,
Glad I could make you "LOL" 4realz.

Thanks man.

Birthofsmiles's picture

freakin awesum. "bitch what u wearin?" these are questions that will almost always plague mankind. try not to pop a blood vessel. tv sucks and always will and don't you forget it.

Grasshopper's picture

Ha Ha this was an awesome article. It reminded me of a Rebello Rant but without the baseball references.
Your best article yet

Casey Freeman's picture

Spot on. Easily my favorite list you've written. I liked your History Channel selection.

Robert King's picture

Agreed. Besides ESPN, the History Channel is what I spend most of my time watching. Martin nailed it.

The rant about health food was awesome.

Great article.

(y)

wow, this is one of the best lists i've read in ages! Good job dude.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff, dude. TWILIGHT being one of my favourite guilty pleasures, I was actually snorting over the Prius-Glittervamp Hybrids.

personally I'm waiting for Scientists to Clone something Cool like a Dodo instead of a fucking Sheep. I'm in Australia. We are not at all short of sheep.

:makes note to get this Bravo thing:

U are so hilarious!!!!! i had to post it on my fb profile!!!! i was laughing a loooot...specially about the channels cuz it is exactly the way i was thinking about it....sorry if my writting is bad...im french..keep on posting...u are a great writer...A bientot!!!!!!

i shat my pants for realz

Alex C's picture

This was fucking epic. I couldn't stop laughing after reading this article, not even while washing my recently shat-in boxers. The TV listings were great too, especially the MTV shows. I get tired of our society making out teen moms to look good-thanks for that.

Great list! The rant about cruise control made me laugh too much that some of the other people in my class were staring me at me.

Joshua Bartel's picture

As a defender of science and humanitarian progress, I feel obliged to provide explanations on a couple points. First, the "common cold", whether bacterial or viral, is in fact treatable. Bacterial infections are treatable with antibiotics and there are many palliative measures available, including NSAIDs and cough suppressants. Viral infections are more difficult to treat, but the drug interferon increases immune system response, and Tamiflu is also effective...As to weather prediction, weather is known as a "chaotic system", since it is sensitively dependent on initial conditions. This means that two identical scenarios will rapidly become very different. Simply put, there are just too many variables interacting with each other to make long-range forecasting possible, or medium-range forecasting accurate. It is interesting to note that some of the first computers were built in the 60's by a man named Lorenz for the very purpose of predicting weather, and computer simulations today are still wanting...As to the pizza delivery, I refer you to an article in the Onion entitled "Everybody involved in preparation and delivery of pizza stoned". Good article.

That could have been shortened down to the last two words.

Joshua Bartel's picture

I must admit that your philosophy has some things going for it. Why write a comment at all? The author probably knows it was good to begin with. And why point out that my reply was too long; to be honest, I knew it was pretentious, anyway. In fact, why write an article at all? Tell me, what difference does it make? In fact, why do anything...?

Hilarious, I haven't laughed like this in a while