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"It's Huge In Japan"
Now Playing: "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel
It's a New Year and God is very angry. My heart and thoughts go out
to those who lost loved ones in the South Asian tsunami, and I think
it's important that they know just how much those people who don't
currently live in an abandoned water park rife with starvation and
disease care. And no group better expresses the collective North
American we-don't-give-a-shit-but-we-pretend-to attitude than
celebrities. So here's a look at how key celebrities have responded
to this tragic disaster. Please note that because of the tragic
events these last couple of weeks this column is not intended to be
funny, but rather to be an in-depth and insightful look deep inside
the American psyche. Here's what happened:
-Humanitarian and African-American
Oprah Winfrey has pledged to offer the first 200 orphans to
write in to her show a new Pontiac. Surprisingly, no orphan has yet
taken Oprah up on her generous offer, partly because they don't know
how to speak English, let alone craft a letter, and partly because
they don't have roads. Oprah had originally offered to provide roads
as well but reneged when she found out Pontiac doesn't make those.
-Over-the-hill Shock Jock and animated skeleton Howard Stern
took time off from shilling for
Sirius satellite radio to visit Sri
Lanka in the hopes of, in Stern's own words, "see if he could find
some hot lesbos." Within 30 minutes Stern was attacked and eaten by
Panda bears, who don't ordinarily eat people nor live in Sri Lanka,
but were willing to make an exception just this one time. The bears
were immediately fined $5 million by the FCC.
-Comedian and left-wing agitator Jon Stewart showed footage
of the disaster on his television show while somehow finding a way
to blame the whole thing on George W. Bush. Then he called the
President and anyone who listened to him a dick, which was met by
cheers and applause. The FCC didn't care.
-Oxford-educated white rapper Eminem wrote a tribute song
about the tragedy utilizing the poorly-rhyming words "tsunami" and
"Slim Shady." The final refrain was all about how MTV wouldn't play
his "jams," whatever the hell that means. The song has been
nominated for 4 MTV music awards and a
Nobel Prize.
-The Toronto Raptors starting
lineup offered to donate $1000 for every point they score in
their game against the Sacramento Kings. Thus was recorded the first
shutout in NBA history, much to the chagrin of impoverished 3rd
worlders and Raptors fans alike. My God do they need Vince Carter
back.
-Aging actress Sandra Bullock donated $1 million dollars from
her personal fortune, or roughly 1/7th what she made starring in
Speed 2: Cruise Control, to the tsunami disaster relief fund.
She spent another million paying her publicist to make sure nobody
in the Western hemisphere could avoid hearing about it.
-Televangelist and criminally psychotic Pat Robertson blamed
the disaster on the gays and Jews, citing Bible passages supporting
his claim. His interpretation of said Bible passages were
immediately refuted by scholars, theologians and hobos, but this did
not stop his latest book, "God Sent The Tsunami To Rid The World of
Gays and Jews" from selling 8 million copies. All proceeds from the
book sale were generously donated to the Bush/Cheney campaign war
chest.
-Megalomaniacal producer and evil genius Jerry Bruckheimer
announced his latest movie would be a disaster epic called
"Tsunami," directed by Michael Bay and starring Ben Affleck as a
poor but handsome Indonesian man with nothing left to lose. Although
still in pre-production and set for release in 2007, the film has
already been given 1 star by every major newspaper in North America
and grossed $300 million domestically. All proceeds to be donated to
Jerry Bruckheimer's cocaine and hooker fund, and to help him
complete construction of his escalator to the moon.
-Murderer-sleeper-with Amber Frey took time off from
promoting her latest
metafictional book: "How to Make
Money By Sleeping With Scott Peterson And Then Writing A Book About
It," to send her best wishes to the survivors of the tsunami that
haven't yet been accidentally buried in mass graves in the name of
Allah. Amber wishes them all to know how she has a lot in common
with them, except that Amber didn't lose a loved one in the whole
Scott Peterson thing and nobody in subcontinental India has a
six-figure book deal. But other than that the two stories are pretty
much the same.
-Text-Heavy auteur Emmanuel Witzman donated his change from
his morning coffee to the Red Cross and then remembered he is not,
in fact, a celebrity.
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