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Oh, relationships. When they’re good, they’re great. When they’re
bad, you seriously contemplate
homicide, homosexuality or both. College relationships are
usually sought after for a variety of reasons: boredom, revenge,
increased social status, financial gain, naïveté, or just a bit of
genital exercise. But regardless which of these perfectly acceptable
motives drives your commitment (or lack thereof), ultimately it will
be your peers who will judge you, and then group you into one of the
following 10 college relationships.
1. The Fighting Couple
If you are friends with either of these two, on behalf of the universe: I’m
sorry. Staying friends with them will entail listening to hours and hours of
bitching over completely mindless shit.
[complaining, whining, and
whatnot]
“Yeah, it's totally understandable that you got mad at him for
attending that study group with another girl. What a dick.”
Two hours
later, they’ll be blowing off plans with you to make-up/out with each other.
Then they’ll break up again and you will be the caring and considerate friend
who consoles them while resisting the urge to carve matching “I DON’T GIVE A
SHIT” tattoos into their Achilles’ tendons.
2. The Fuck Buddies
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When it comes to Fuck Buddies, semen is a lot more than a
drop in the bucket. |
You almost never see this couple spend any time together. Which might be a
huge coincidence, or because in fact, they just don’t spend any time together.
Sure, they don’t waste time with “romantic dinners” and “getting
to know one another,” but who needs this type of expensive, platonic
foreplay when you can dance and party with other members of the opposite
sex all night long and then come home to guaranteed naked, horizontal dancing?
3. The Just In It for the Title Couple
This couple never really hangs out, they just like being in a relationship so
they can plug that empty void in their life that can only be filled by the
Facebook status, “In a Relationship.” They will casually drop their dating
status into conversation whenever possible to prove they have found someone else
just as miserable to share their pathetic excuse of a life with.
“Hey,
do you know which assignment is due tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure. I don’t think
my boyfriend knows either.”
“What?”
“I have a boyfriend!! I’m appealing to the opposite sex!”
4. The Popular Couple Everyone Envies
This couple is president of every club they’re in and have GPAs most people
can only achieve with frequent, under-the-table office hour visits. This pair is
really the Zach Morris and Kelly Kapowski of your school, except without the
cheesy synthesizer segues between every interaction. They could literally throw
dead kittens at a sinking school bus full of blind orphans and still receive a
standing ovation. Visualize it, I’ll wait….
See how the orphans grab onto the kittens in vain? Truly brilliant symbolism
for the consequences of missing parents.
5. The Married Couple
There's always at least one of these couples. They start dating in 6th grade
and no matter what hardships they face—breaking up three times a day, going to
different colleges, fighting off the financial and emotional debt of multiple
abortions—they will always end up together. These people are too afraid
to experience different partners and are not able to date others because they
can't help but hope things work out with their lover. Never get involved with
anyone who’s even been
half of The Married Couple. Not that I’m bitter or anything….
6. The Indecisive Couple
These people are a couple of real cards. And by “real cards,” I mean “fucking
assholes.” They’re the ones who take The Fighting Couple to the next, more
irritating level. They break up every other day over miniscule shit like
disagreeing over the correct meal times.
“Jeremy just never wanted to
eat before like 8 o’clock at night and that's when my gut just told me he wasn't
The One.”
Don’t worry, they’ll be back together in no time before
splitting up three hours later based on differing opinions on which Baldwin
brother has the better acting range, or because one of them feels there is, in
fact, an incorrect way to eat a Reese's.
7. The Cheating Couple
Both partners in this relationship cheat on each other and everyone knows it,
except for anyone actually involved in the relationship. This couple both keeps
telling themselves that they have a healthy, committed relationship yet can’t
see the truth no matter how obvious it may be. But I’m sure your boyfriend was
telling you the truth when he came home wearing that used condom. After all, he
did tell you he loved you.
8. The
Sickening in Love Couple
If you fall into this category, do us all a favor and use your hair
dryer/electric razor in the shower tomorrow morning. This couple is always
together, ignoring their more important friendships while taking pictures of
themselves cuddling so they can each set it as their matching Facebook pictures,
thus letting the whole world know how “Tom Cruise-in-love” they are (I have
just been informed that I’ve now used the most Facebook references in an article
that is not about Facebook). You know what would be terrific? If this couple
could resist from disgusting PDA just because they have the opportunity.
Everyone has a little willpower, even if it is buried under the largest, most
achingest, breakingest heart ever. Instead of making me run though an obstacle
course of couples rounding third base on my way to class, find a dirty bathroom
stall like any other civilized person.
9. The Sorta, Kinda Together Couple
This stellar pair resembles The Fuck Buddies, while being the total opposite
of the Just In It for the Title Couple. They like
banging and maybe even spending time with each other occasionally, but
realize that as soon as people find out they are no longer single, their bullpen
of additional interested prospects will be cleared out quicker the Kansas City
Royals’ with a sane general manager.
10. The Normal Couple
You don't fall into this category. Sorry.
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