Taking over a planet isn’t easy. If it was, super villains across the universe wouldn’t be getting regularly defeated by everyone from James Bond to the Gummi Bears. It is for this reason, then, that everyone with a thirst for world domination needs a good right-hand man. This is the second in command who rallies the troops, acts as the top henchman, and steps out to get the head-honcho a double burrito combo from Taco Bell if they’re coming off a bender from the night before.

With this in mind, I have decided to compile a crack squad of ten evil sidekicks, whose scheming minds and devious actions will leave Earth ripe for my plucking.

Or will they?

1. Starscream (Transformers)

Starscream from the TransformersPros: Starscream’s Wikipedia page states that he can transform into a McDonnell Douglas F-15 Eagle, is able reach speeds up to Mach 2.8, and can climb up to sub-orbital altitudes of 52 miles (84 km) and nose-dive down to ground level in minutes. So he should probably get to work on time.

Cons: Starscream’s Wikipedia page fails to state that he tried to overthrow Megatron less than five minutes into the first ever Transformers cartoon. Loyalty probably not a key strength, then.

2. Destro (G.I. Joe)

Pros: Laird James McCullen Destro XXIV is strong, composed, and a completely ruthless businessman. In addition to this, he also wears a kickass steel mask, presumably so people don’t mistake him for Steve Jobs.

Cons: Destro’s love affair with the Baroness may lead to some yucky sexual harassment suits, especially if he is packing more metal below the equator. Also likes to wear fur coats which show off a little too much chest for an office environment.

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3. Grima Wormtongue (Lord of the Rings)

Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the RingsPros: Able to talk more bullshit than ten marketing teams and a presidential debate combined.

Cons: Would you want to come in to work and have to look at this guy every day? Bleh! He was much nicer when he was just that retarded kid in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

4. Beast Man (Masters of the Universe)

Pros: Is a big dumb hairy idiot that is consigned to being viciously bossed around. Chances are he reminds you of your dad.

Cons: Seems like the sort of guy who would leave pubes on the toilet seat.

5. Prince Lotor (Voltron)

Prince LotorPros: The smooth-talking heir to the Planet Doom throne is a valuable addition to any evil scheme, especially if that scheme involves chatting up bizarre intergalactic space-babes. Is rumored to have the largest harem in Planet Doom history, and also the largest…..well, okay, that’s another story.

Cons: Kind of looks like Orlando Bloom painted blue.

6. Azrael (The Smurfs)

Azrael cat from The SmurfsPros: Happy to work for two fish-heads and a ball of string.

Cons: Won’t show up to work on time. Won’t eat the food you buy it. Won’t stop scratching the couch. Won’t stop meowing outside your door. Won’t stop leaving hair on your bed. Won’t sleep less than twenty hours a day. Won’t acknowledge your existence except when hungry. Won’t stop attacking your feet when you least expect it. Won’t stop speaking in stupid "lolspeak." Basically, is a cat.

7. Mr. Smithers (The Simpsons)

Pros: Efficient, diligent, organized, and a helpless flatterer; Mr. Waylon Smithers Jr. is probably the most reliable villainous sidekick going around. His tireless efforts at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant have allowed Mr. Burns to continue his merciless quest for wealth and power despite being approximately 427 years old.

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Cons: In this case, the term "butt-kissing" probably isn’t going to be used metaphorically.

8. Harley Quinn (Batman)

Harley Quinn from BatmanPros: Looks very tasty in a leather jumpsuit and jester hat. Seems to have a bizarre attraction to absolute complete freaking lunatics, so will probably refrain from raising an eyebrow when she finds a copy of "Tentacle Sex Monthly" stashed in your desk’s in-tray.

Cons: When was the last time a plan actually worked for the Joker? Every one of his schemes seems to end with him in jail, locked inside Arkham Asylum or being found dead in a swanky New York hotel room. Not really the outcomes of someone with a good assistant.

9. Darth Vader (Star Wars)

Pros: Destroys planets. Chokes people from across the room. Doesn’t ask to leave work early so he can go home and "look after the kids." Is happy to take orders from an ugly wrinkled old scrotum wearing a bathrobe.

Cons: Constant wheezing may affect the company health plan. That, and it is just plain fucking annoying.

10. Dick Cheney (George W. Bush Administration)

Pros: Likes to go hunting, um, if you are into that.

Cons: Ah…did we mention that he wanted you to dress up as the deer?

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