Handshakes: the most important part of meeting a new person. This small gesture can literally make or break a relationship from the very beginning. We’ve all been victims of a bad shake, whether it’s too weak, too strong, or the grab is poorly timed and as a result the grip suffers terminally. You can tell a lot about a person from the defects in their handshaking.

Let’s break it down right now.

The Weak Shake

A weak grab and limp wrist, commonly referred to as the “dead fish,” says, “Hey man, nice to meet you. I’m a pussy. A sopping wet pussy.” People with dead fish handshakes tend to have dull, “my parents got divorced during an important developmental stage of my life and I never really rebounded” kind of personalities. They are also commonly the awkward, self-conscious kids enduring puberty. Maybe you can give these kids a break because their not sure what’s happening to their bodies, or why hair is growing in new weird places, or why their underwear is all wet when they wake up. Did he spill? Did he wet the bed? Man those body painting pictures in the Sports Illustrated under his dad’s bed are hot. The kid has a lot on his mind.

But anyone else with a weak handshake is not someone I want to be associated with because, as I said before, he’s a pussy. And to tell you the truth, I’m not a really big guy so I need people around me who can stand up and fight for me when I run my mouth too much. Pussies don’t provide much protection, so after a weak shake I write the guy off and if I ever talk to him again it will be in a very condescending tone. Fuckin’ pussy.

The Strong Shake

We’ve all been falsely led to believe that a strong handshake makes you more of a man. That’s bullshit. In fact, too strong of a handshake makes you less of a man. Much less of a man. It is a certainty that a guy with an excessively strong handshake has an excessively small penis. He wants to dominate you socially, and he thinks that by shaking your hand extra hard he achieves this. But trust me, the only thing this guy could dominate is a squirrel. And squirrels are hard to catch, so you can bet that this asshole hasn’t dominated anything for quite some time.

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Too strong handshake guy might think he dominates girls in bed, but they definitely fake it every time. They make him feel good about himself so he’ll buy them things, but they absolutely toy themselves with cucumbers and baseball bats afterward because his penis is minuscule. Even smaller than an Asian guy’s. What about an Asian guy with a death grip? Their penises are inverted.

The Early-Grabber

The overzealous early-grabber grabs your fingers before you have a chance to grasp his palm, much like he ejaculates before the girl he’s having sex with has a chance to climax. This guy jumps into handshakes like he jumps into many life situations: too quickly. He’s the kind of guy who gets to the party early, and is in the way while you’re still setting up. He says he’ll help out, but all he does is open new bags of chips and 2-liter Cokes and eat all the almonds from the bowl of nuts. I take my party throwing very seriously, so I don’t need someone like that around. Get the hell out of my life. You probably think we’re friends already don’t you? Maybe you should curb that zeal of yours.

The Woman Shake

Shaking hands with a woman is a wildcard. Oddly, a shake with a woman where you grab her fingers and she grabs yours isn’t really awkward, it’s more sophisticated and dainty. However, you don’t really want to mess with a woman with a strong handshake. They tend to be mannish, and if they don’t look mannish then you still don’t want to associate with them because they’ll rip your balls off at the first opportunity.

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In fact, unlike men, women with excessively strong shakes have HUGE penises. They’re driven to succeed and will cut you down to get ahead. I was never an advocate of the whole equal rights business, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now. Thanks a lot Susan B. Anthony, who definitely had a repulsively strong shake for a woman.

The Dap + Shake

Have you ever been part of a greeting where you go for a shake, but the other guy goes for the dap? This is, arguably, the worst one of all. Your fingers just kind of touch each other’s palms and you both linger there for a moment with an unrealistic hope that the other person doesn’t notice how terrible it is. It leaves a terrible taste in your mouth, much like eating out a girl with acid pussy. Gross.

So think about your handshake next time. What do people think of you when they shake your hand? Are you a pussy? Is your penis very small? Are you a woman with a penis? No matter what your handicaps are, you can still make a normal first impression with a solid handshake.

Here’s how to execute:

1. Meet hands with your shaking partner but don’t grab yet.

2. Wait until the web between your thumbs and index fingers meets the other person’s.

3. Grab firmly but not overbearingly.

4. Look the other person in the eye, and you’re on your way to success!

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