Eulogies for the Houseplants My Dumbass Essentially Murdered
Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.
Tag: Satire
Weighing All of LeBron James’ Possible Moves
Washington: By successfully recruiting James, the Washington Generals could finally have a shot at taking down those damn Harlem Globetrotters.
My Inner Voice is a Fat Guy Named Steve
I want to do well, but every time I sit down to work, Steve makes me go on the internet and google “soccer stats” and “boobs” until the day is done.
Translations of Emails from Management
Employees who disregard this mandate are urged to take oral infusions of methylxanthine before arriving at the workplace. (Drink coffee)
The New Pokémon Game Should Let Players Catch the Most Amazing Thing of All: A Pledge to Lead a Chaste Lifestyle that Honors Our Creator
"Catch” implies the game will be like the original, instead of my better idea for an abstinence-focused game. The slogan should mention doing chores.
I Resent the Placenta in My Freezer
I like the idea of burying it next to a tree. But since we can’t even keep the racoons and possums out of the compost bin, that’s not happening.
I Am Your City Council Representative, and Your Concerns Matter to Me
As an upstanding member of this community, I hope you’ll believe me that I am, definitively, a human flesh man, and not any kind of insect homunculus.
As a Writer, I Am the Most Important Person in This Relationship and on Earth
Did it even occur to me to check in with my dad after his heart surgery? No, because that would have meant shutting the door on the Muse, and that is just selfish.
Where Are They Now? The Stars of Jurassic Park
Adopting the moniker Steg For More, Larsson’s first album produced the song “Leggo my Steggo,” which hit #5 on the Australian Billboard Top 100.
Actual Episodes of PBS’s “Frontline” but with More Interesting Plots
"Plunder!" (1990) Everything you've ever wanted to see plundered is plundered big time on this episode.
The Company-Wide Reply-All That Never Should Have Been
FROM: [email protected] TO: [email protected] SUBJECT: RE: test "Exactly what are you notifying us of? Everyone please stop replying-all."
Will This “All in One” Shampoo Save My Marriage?
I was trying to think of ways to incorporate Equate’s “All in One” shampoo into a plan that would make my wife think of me as a better husband.