If Ghosts Aren’t Real, How Do You Explain the Eviction Notice That Mysteriously Appeared on My Door?
These mysterious eviction notices may be related to ectoplasm, as both are occasionally left behind following a paranormal experience.
Tag: Satire
Hello, I’m the Witch in Your Hall Closet
Finally, I'll have sated my 200-year-old appetite, fulfilled a centuries-old curse, and your family's financial situation will stabilize.
The White House of Horrors: Release and Waiver of Liability and Risk Assumption Agreement
You assume liability for certain risks including overcooked steak, delusions of grandeur, eerily dwindling base support, and airborne spray tan.
I Dated a Vampire and It Sucked
He used words like “dooth” and “swete”, and I still have no idea what they mean. And his fashion is from the 1300s -- lots of beige-colored tunics.
Why Should I, Someone Who Enjoys Putting Razor Blades in Halloween Candy, Have My Rights Trampled Upon Just Because of the Actions of a Few Bad Apples?
Why strip away the rights of people like me, a man in perfect mental health who wants to shove a razor blade into a Pecan Chunky purely for kicks?
God Checks In on the Plan for You, A Person Who Is Not Drake
You picture it. You see the wisdom. Unlike Drake, you do not accept God's plan. "I'm too good for that," you say. "Are you fucking kiddi–" God says.
5 Ballin’ Pieces of Job Search Advice Most Effective If You’re Tim Motherfucking Cook
Um, I don't know why anyone but Tim Cook is still reading this, but you should probably bottle up your excitement...
Five Airbnb Listings You Literally Need to Book Right Now
Hal's Review: "About 13,000 people died there in the early 1900s, but you could hardly tell!"
I’m a Cholesterol Molecule and I’m Sick of All This Fat Shaming
Doctors always say things like "watch that cholesterol." They are unwarrantedly suspicious and overtly vigilante over an entire group. It's profiling!
How to Tell If Your Catcaller Could Be the One
If he’s willing to stand behind his declaration of love for your “sweet ass,” then odds are that he’ll also be into a committed relationship.
An Open Letter to Whomever is Opening My Letters
Who the heck owns a letter opener anymore? I’ll tell you who: people like me, looking for socially acceptable ways to always have a knife nearby.
I Am a Horse and You Can Totally Put the Cart Before Me If You Want
Although, speaking of our actual bodies, you should absolutely look a gift horse in the mouth. You can tell a horse's age by looking at its teeth.