This Shapely Perfume Bottle is Hotter Than Me
Yet another advantage she has over me and my perpetually degrading corporeal being that needs stupid shit like food and water and exercise and love.
Tag: Satire
If You Turn Into a Werewolf During a Parent-Teacher Conference
If you cannot make it home to your reinforced "Doom Room", attempt to run toward the nearest forest or wooded area.
Letters Home From a World War One Fuck Boy
Apparently, we were supposed to defend against an incoming force. But what were we supposed to do, not go party? Saturdays are for the boys!
I, Space Godzilla, Am The Masked Singer
Some of my fans may have guessed who I was when I sang “Roar” by Katy Perry. No matter how much I practiced, I couldn’t hold in my signature screech.
Is Kirsten Gillibrand Likeable, Tough, Driven, Soapy, and Metallic Enough? Or Is She Too Glittering, Muscular, Serpentine, and Tangy?
I harbor serious doubts whether Gillibrand has the fortitude, charisma, hunkiness, and vertical leap necessary to win the electoral college.
New Weed Strains for Everyday Stress Relief
"Pinebrook Elementary Concert featuring Miss Doherty’s 3rd-grade choir singing a 2-hour rendition of The Pirates of Penzance" [THC: 34%]
“Bohemian Rhapsody” Trivia
Within the first thirty seconds, there is a close-up of a microphone. This quickly establishes that this is a singing movie, about big singers.
This Year’s Best Picture Nominees Ranked by How Much My Son Resents My New Girlfriend
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Oh, Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role.
Teen Magazine Quizzes for Adults
Which teen heartthrob is the spitting image of someone you went to high school with but you can’t place? He definitely looks like someone… but who?
Republicans Deliver Thoughts and Prayers
From: Mike Pence Gracious Lord White Jesus, thank you for Chick-Fil-A. A family-friendly chicken restaurant that never uses the word “brea*t.”
Season 87 Recap: This May Be My Last Recap for a While
I went back to episode 8 in season 32: Watch Cormorant’s face when Mandeep finds Bumbalini’s pre-IPO filing. I watched it 18 times.