Incomplete Drafts of My Cover Letter for a Summer Internship
Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.
Tag: Satire
If You Should Chance to Find This Message, Tell the World That I Did Not Enjoy the Last Episode of “Game of Thrones”
My lifeboat has sprung several leaks. They pale in comparison to the multitude of plot and character holes in this final season.
A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
“You’ll Want to Learn Guitar Immediately,” and Other Fatherly Advice
Now’s the time to fix your emotional, psychic, and spiritual energy on a single person who thinks of you as the weird and moderately asexual kid.
Missed Connections: Millennials and an Affordable Housing Market
“Yo, it’s me: the brand-new condo that sits on the same lot that rent-controlled housing used to be on."
The Meaning of Life
The meaning of life is being in a bathtub, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s joining a group to roll a beached whale back into the sea.
St. Peter Will Not Let Me Into Heaven Unless I Admit That My 11th Grade Girlfriend Broke Up With Me, And Not the Other Way Around (Untrue)
There’s no way I could have been dumped. I was in the prime of my life—I had a t-shirt for every major beer brand and I drove a Pontiac Grand Am.
I Know the CEO of This Restaurant Chain is Personally Responsible for the Death of Your Wife But Their Fries are So Good
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?
It’s Me, the Dog at the Foot of Your Bed, and I’d Love to Get In On That Sex You’re Having
I am DIGGING the sounds and stinks coming from you two and am very excited to join in! I’ve been wagging my tail so hard it’s giving me a rug burn.
If Howard Schultz Won’t Screw Up This Election by Running as a Democratic-Leaning Independent, Then I, David Hoffmann, President and CEO of Dunkin’ Donuts, Will
Howard and I both know the importance of symbolic gestures---have you ever ordered oatmeal at Dunkin’ or Starbucks? No. But you COULD!
Blue Apron Continued to Deliver Me Food While I Disappeared From Thanos’ “Snap”
And you charged me for all of it?! That’s over $15,000! Listen, I’m not made of that Tony Stark money
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.