I, the Kid Who Always Slept Through Your Freshman English Class, Would Like to Connect on LinkedIn
Who better to speak to my abilities than someone who was around me during my formative years, which I spent using Romeo and Juliet as a pillow?
Tag: Satire
Recently Discovered Letters: USPS Collection Notices to Eminem’s Stalker “Stan”
Truth is, all of us at USPS are trying to reach you/Because you checked off premium shipping without paying for that feature.
My New Job Needs to Be Boyfriend Material
It's not that I’m afraid of commitment—I just don’t want to start something that’s not right for me.
I Will Not Apologize for Wearing My Sleep Apnea Mask to Our Third Date
Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it---I did lasso the waiter with it.
We’re Going Green! My Neil Young Tribute Band Is No Longer Using Gasoline-Powered Instruments
At our first show without the droning hum of our generator, it was scary to launch into our opener, a cover of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.”
Hold on Boys, I Can’t Break This Ancient Curse without My Tank Top!
You know what it looks like. It’s the same tank top I wear every time we get together to defeat an age-old evil or combat a monstrous hellion.
Unanswered 90’s Hollywood Want Ads
Hapless criminals looking for qualified candidate to provide wakeup service to a suburban Chicago family with an early morning flight.
Harry Potter’s Grief Letter to Dumbledore
I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.
The Lava Claim
He repeated it while scribbling notes, carefully making sure he’d heard me correctly. “So you get home. The floor is lava. You take a shower?”
An Excerpt “From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts”
Standing on his tiptoes, he craned over their hunched heads, hoping to get a glimpse of the candidates.
Out-of-the-Box Ideas for Combatting Climate Change Since We’re Probably Doomed Anyway
Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.
Who Do You Like More, the Country or the Hispanics?
ROUND 1 The Country: Gave us Major League Baseball The Hispanics: Gave us Big Papi Winner: The Hispanics