Satire | Page 184 | Points in Case

Tag: Satire

I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.

He repeated it while scribbling notes, carefully making sure he’d heard me correctly. “So you get home. The floor is lava. You take a shower?”

Standing on his tiptoes, he craned over their hunched heads, hoping to get a glimpse of the candidates.

Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.

ROUND 1 The Country: Gave us Major League Baseball The Hispanics: Gave us Big Papi Winner: The Hispanics

Here's how it works: use the app to locate the nearest stack of tires and a pole that I've dropped off all across the city. Then assemble!

Press 10 to talk to a Customer Service Representative. This is never going to happen, of course, but we all have dreams.

I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"

Ma’am, you’ll have to speak up. War is really gearing up for tomorrow’s grand finale, and his machines are pretty loud.

“We’re number one!” I cheer. The team wheels around. “No,” they respond. “YOU’RE number one.” Then they offer to pay off all of my debt.

It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.

Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.