I Am Your Period Underwear and I Deserve a Goddamn Purple Heart
I was once beautiful. Lacy, soft, and placed with love into your dresser in the coveted spot next to that lavender sachet your grandmother gave you.
Tag: Satire
Where in the Hell Did Alan Dershowitz Get His Ideas?
“Article II Looks Good On You” (The Journal of Bizarre Constitutional Arguments, December 2012)
Pitchfork Reviews People in My Life
A Woman I Went On Two Great, Early-In-The-Game Dates With: An incredible, staggeringly original human being who just appeared on the dating scene. 9.3
You’re Still My Life Partner, Just Not My Doomsday Prepping Partner
But never did I think while I was pouring over the medicinal properties of deer antler spray, that you were shirking your prepping commitment.
I, John Bolton, Will Happily Testify about My White House Erotic Fantasy Novela
Mary Anne is a hawkish White House staffer in her late-20s who drafts war plans with Iran which never quite climax, but her sexual plans always do.
Sorry I Kicked You Out of the Garden of Eden
In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes.
Famed Explorer Loses Entire Crew at IKEA
Wanting to avoid doing three year's worth of laundry, I shall strike out once again, this time to conquer IKEA.
Litter Boxes: How Scooping Clumps Became Part of Normal Life
Of course it was beyond disturbing to me, especially at work, as there were litter boxes in all the conference rooms. And nobody seemed to mind.
When the Facts Change, I’ll Tell You What I Don’t Do: Flip-Flop
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
Uh Oh, We Hired an Actual Rock Star for Our Social Media Position
And though he was quite charming over the phone, in-person it was hard not to focus on his exceptionally poor oral hygiene.
I’m the Ugly Sculpture Outside Your Office Building
I know you don’t get me, but there was once a time when people just like you would walk past and think, “Wow. That’s one heck of a sculpture."
Job Opening: British Crown Prince, Urgently Hiring
How did you hear about this opening? Indeed, LinkedIn, or National Inquirer?