There are two things that all employers love to hear about: high quarterly profits and hidden treasure.
Don’t get me wrong—on paper, you had pretty much everything we were looking for. But your experience was not at our company, in this exact position.
I mean, your boyfriend just seems like one of those guys who would step out on you, know what I mean?
I myself voraciously advocated for firings to appease investors after guaranteeing that quarterly revenue would increase by “infinity” dollars.
We may be a lab in a haunted castle, but we still have rules.
I feel like I know you. The surveillance software used to monitor your workflow has been telling me what a great person you are.
Intermittently mention “The Kremlin.” Smart people discuss this often.
The Desert Escape: Run into the desert. There, you’ll meet a snake. Name the snake. Name him Benjamin. Benjamin will bite you, but don’t cry out.
Kevin demands only the best from his employees. He constantly circles my desk to “check in,” especially when I’m on my period.
It’s pretty classic admin stuff. Answering the phone, filing documents, keeping a calendar, making appointments, refilling the Mayor’s water bowl.
You won’t get holidays off, but aren’t you sick of spending Thanksgiving with your cheugy cousins anyway?
Pro tip: bring a parasol to reduce the glare on your laptop screen when you’re checking Outlook for five minutes, just one more email, OK babe?