Assholes Brace for the Arrival of Self-Driving Cars
The same folks who tailgate, casually cut you off, and pass you on the shoulder now face no longer being able to terrorize fellow drivers.
Tag: Mental
Atoms are the Worst and I Wish I Wasn’t Made of Them
My problem is atoms. I don't like 'em, I don't wanna have anything to do with 'em, and I definitely don't wanna be made out of them.
There is Literally No Caffeine in This Espresso, And I Will Sit Here Shaking Until I Get a Refund
It's an awful feeling, receiving DECAFFEINATED espresso. Unfortunately, the world doesn't give you refunds on your feelings. I would know.
An Open Letter to the Friend Who Merely “Liked” My Happy Birthday Post on Facebook
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
All the Reasons Why My Screenplay, “Detective Tarantula: Web of Conspiracy,” Is Not Terrible
When I asked you to read this screenplay, I was looking for you to recognize it for what it is: a bold, dark, and emotionally compelling narrative.
Pros and Cons of Hiring the Guy Outside the Gas Station Holding the “Will Watch Your Kids for Beaf Jerky” Sign
Just because someone had a tough childhood doesn't mean they can't go on to hold a sign at a gas station and do a stellar job watching your kids. Right?
Interview Notes from Trump’s Personal Biographer
If I push hard enough, will this pen go into my brain? Will the Secret Service stop me? There's no way I'm leaving alive; I've seen too much.
Radically Honest Self-Talk Sparked by “House Hunters” Intros
Will Marcus and Athena find a home to grow into, or will you spend the whole episode oscillating between rage, jealousy, and attraction to Athena?
Mistakes I Made Babysitting My Girlfriend’s Guinea Pigs
It should have been easy—they're basically small, furry cows devoid of complex needs or even souls. What I could not foresee was rebellion.
Competitive Texting: 10 Ways to Seem Like the Busier Mom
Throwaways like "Things are cray!" and "It's such a busy time of year!" don't mean anything if you don't have the unavailability to back it up.
I Combined the Two Things We Fear Most: Donald Trump’s Tweets and Sprite
Is this a modern Huxley, or is it a true fright? Lovecraft… Stoker! Oh, such a crippling thought, such my will of darkness.
Airbnb Review for “Stockholm Syndrome Sanctuary” (4.5/5 Stars)
Waking up handcuffed to a deck chair and duck taped to the point of suffocation was exactly what my girlfriend and I needed to stop fighting.