Don't cry in a work bathroom---a co-worker or boss might see your shoes, hear you crying, and think you poop too hard.
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.
Watching other people play video games on YouTube, crying, and masturbating hasn't helped you find anybody yet. So, what's the real problem?
Please, please, please, Movie Gods, if you're out there, please let me come to a theater near you. It's all I've wanted since I was a wee script.
Somehow I just couldn't stay pissed off at frat guy. He was my tax wingman, even though he totally killed my self-esteem.
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
Sure, everyone knows Dracula is technically a mass murdering undead monster, but still, you don't want to be a jerk when blowing him off.
Your high school guidance counselor forgot to tell you that you are not special. Actually, you ARE special, but in all the wrong ways.
I sit in your closet collecting dust, regretting that my only purpose was to fit your head and no one else's. What ever happened to loyalty?
Hey, guess what? You just lost another friend on Facebook. And it wasn't an accidental click or a computer glitch either - it was you.
No one truly understands the introvert. That needs to change, and that change will begin with an uninvited three-hour conversation.
Hey Santa, could you spend a little time with me this year after coming down the chimney? You know, discuss Bitcoin valuations and eat some cookies.