This Date Isn’t Going So Great, So I’ll Pretend I’m In the NHL Playoffs
I don’t know if you’re feeling it watching from up there in the studio but down here on the ice, you can just feel the absence of emotion and energy.
Tag: Dogs
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
I Know Snoopy is a Beloved Cartoon Dog, But If He Bit Me I Would Want Him Put Down
Before writing me off as some vengeful psycho, consider that this little dog thought it was funny to lick Lucy’s face without her consent.
We Made Cat Tinder Because There Were No Better Options
Why spend the night with a random internet hookup who describes you as a "sex kitten" when you can hold a real kitten?
Everything I Hate About My Favorite Movie, Frozen
Why don't Elsa's gloves freeze when she's wearing them? Those manacles they clapped onto her hands when she was in prison sure froze though, didn't they?
5 Signs Your Dog Wants to Go Vegetarian
These behaviors are your dog's way of telling you she wants to become a vegetarian. After all, there's no chance canines are actually biologically programmed to eat meat.
What the Dogs in the Sarah McLachlan Commercial Really Think
Every so often, abused dogs invade your television screen soundtracked by Sarah McLachlan's ubiquitous "In the Arms of an Angel." These are their stories.
I Forced Jeff Sessions to Eat from a Trough, and Now He Thinks White People are Superior to Dogs
I recently forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to eat from the same trough we use to feed our many dogs, and now he believes that white people are superior to their canine companions.
Teaching My Ignorant Dog and Cat About Sex
A lot of animals out there haven't had the proper education when it comes to sex, which is obvious from all of the stupid YouTube videos of idiot dogs humping each other's heads.
Fido’s “Good Dog” Award Acceptance Speech
For generations, all of dogkind has pondered the age-old question: Who is a good dog? Is it me? Is it? Is it??? Now we finally know: it's me.
Ultimate Dog®: Male Dog Enhancement to Get Those Bitches Howling!
ATTENTION BREEDERS! Ultimate Dog® can make ANY Dog a Horn Dog! Whether it’s a Lazy Bloodhound, or a Gay Chihuahua, your pedigree will be looking for pussy in no time flat!
Not Such a Bad Guy: Steve Bannon Holds a Beautiful Vigil for Every Puppy He Kills
For every young gazelle killed by a lion for food, a puppy, too, must also be sacrificially exsanguinated by Steve Bannon to the Dark King of Babylon.