Nothing Gets Me Hotter Than Explaining the Academy Awards to You, Babe
You can bet that Alfonso Cuaron is winning Best Director for Roma. It’s as plain as the socks that are still on my feet, babe.
Tag: Confusion
It’s Me, Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate, Here to Critique These Lefty Ladies Before I Deign to Enter the Race
Now, believe me, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far.
The State Nicknames Convention
D.C.:Nevada, do you know what you’re going to go with? NV: The Silver State! D.C.: California? CA: Ahem: The Golden State. NV: Aw, dick move, man.
Less-Subtle Pre-Filled Opt-Out Insults
In order to allow our company's pop-up confirmshaming to get right to the point, we have dropped all pretense in our online buttons.
Long Nights in Tabby Town
I hadn’t worked a case in a month and was hitting the sauce hard. It’s a gloopy brown sauce from a can of beef chunks--part of yesterday’s breakfast.
Google Translation for Work-Appropriate Self-Evaluations
How do you rate your performance? Your Answer: This place would crumble without me. Work Appropriate Answer: I have the utmost confidence in myself.
My First Day at the Department for Duplicated Departments
10.15 am - Somone tries to get into the office but gets lost in the revolving doors.
An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus
One look at a picture of pink circle meat and I can taste the salty sweetness melting into my mouth before I can even say “side ham, if you please.”
11 Reasons Why I Survived the Titanic Disaster
If I had made it through the dramatic events of that April night, I would have died anyway since the last Titanic survivor passed away in 2009.
Where to Summer During Today’s Blood Moon
Between Subway Stations: Because this blood moon is opposing Mercury in retrograde, all travel will become a Rube Goldberg-esque hellscape of delays and re-routes.
Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting an Industrial Society and Its Future
A painting or a bomb could cause the right amount of surprise and confusion to shake people out of their stupors, if you mail it to the right person.
New Trolley Problems for Our New Political World
"The Brexit": The UK is on a train about to crash. Unfortunately, they were on a safe track and decided to pull the switch to crash themselves.