How to Sell Your Smoky Beanie Baby Collection, According to My Aunt Connie, A Non-Smoker
Go back to Wawa to demand they stop selling cigarettes to your Beanie Babies after you catch Splash the Killer Whale with a carton of Pall Malls.
Tag: Confusion
Alternatives to “No Tip” on Touchscreen Checkout Machines
"I’m fiscally conservative in Q1" or maybe just a simple ":(" ?
I Love Wearing My Backpack During Busy Commutes
What if I told you that I’ve got four laptop computers on my person at this very moment? Because that’s the reality of the situation.
It Took Me a While, But I Finally Got Around to Reading the First Six Pages of “Infinite Jest”
Who gets to determine when a novel starts and ends in this postmodern age that you would understand if you had read the first six pages too.
You’re God! How Will You Punish Jim Carrey?
Somebody will watch in confusion as a frustrated Jim Carrey thrusts his torso to explain where the parking garage’s car elevator will go.
Memorandum to Our DC Law Office RE: New Business
The "Gold-Gilt Family Plan," for multiple members of the same family that are involved in the same case.
Yoga Helped Me Stop Fantasizing About Becoming a Worm and Nesting Inside Jeff’s Ear
VeganBeauty1998 Nation, never stop smiling, even when your mind twists your need for intimacy into reveries about lodging yourself into Jeff's ear.
Your Boyfriend Wandered Off in Target! Find Him Before It Closes
20 registers, all manned by 20 identical managers. They turn all at once and, eyes glowing yellow, sing “Derrick’s not here! Derrick’s not here!”
Breaking Down the Trump Administration’s Moves and Their Impact on the Tanking Effort
While not a standout diplomat by any means, there was always the fear of Tillerson putting together a semi-competent performance.
Ways to Straight Up Chill with Your Homeboy, Even Though He’s Always Chasing a Cartoon Bird
At a certain point, your homeboy Wile E. must realize there's more to life than trying to murder some bird. Like chilling on a perfect afternoon.
I’m an Uber Customer Service Associate and I’ve Been on the Phone with Clint Eastwood for 3 Years
I saw my own reflection on the screen of my computer and I was reminded of the oath I took when I accepted this job at Uber.
To the Oscar Statue That Made Me Deeply Uncomfortable During Guillermo Del Toro’s Acceptance Speech
Dear Statue, I believe unequivocally that you and I now share some cosmic bond after we locked eyes during Del Toro's acceptance speech.