You Can Do Anything You Want in Life, As Long as You Get Past the Crushing Weight of Reality
Maybe you could just be an accountant who wears a tiara and pets a teacup poodle whilst shoveling through student loan debt for the rest of her life.
Tag: Children
My Kid Took Karate Lessons and Now I’m Scared of Him
He’s always asked me to watch his new “moves” even before karate classes, but now I can’t help but feel like this display is meant to assert dominance.
Which Sibling Has to Do the Eulogy?
The oldest child doesn’t have to do it, that’s a myth. Of course you believe that, you thought chlamydia came from kissing in the dark until you were 14.
The Keith Jeep Foundation, Little Douglas, and Hot or Not
Keith Jeep’s new foundation stands up for invertebrate rights, and Jean Collins digs in to the mind of Little Doug, a bright young American.
Fun Summer Activities for Kids (Brought to You by the Society for a Flat Earth)
Ask whether they want to eat off of a flat plate or an upside-down bowl. Your child will soon realize that flat surfaces are the only way to go!
How Children Remember History vs. How Their Parents Remember It
1327 AD: “I love this new “Ring Around the Rosie” Song!” vs. “I hate that schools are trying to make this bubonic plague sound fun!”
Spotify Algorithm Baffled by Sudden Fascination with The Wiggles
At first, I thought, maybe it’s because he’s been streaming a lot of Tame Impala lately and there’s some kind of strange Australia connection there.
Is Cindy a Better Parent Than You? A Research Paper
We, the authors (your neighborhood walking group), are hopeful that an analysis of our findings will lead you to finally shut the fuck up about this.
Passages from My Nine-Year-Old’s Journal That Prove He’s Possessed by Walt Whitman’s Ghost
O’ empty day in the bore of my classroom. Today Miss Woolley asked me to remove my hat, and I reminded her that I will wear it as I please.
Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
What I Plan to Do This Weekend, Knowing a 23-Ton Piece of Space Debris Is Expected to Crash Randomly into the Planet
I will still go to the farmer’s market, but I will definitely be glancing at the sky and looking for anything that looks like it might crash into me.
I’m Your Unexpected Hangover and I’m Here to Ruin Your Day
"I only had two glasses of wine with dinner." Ah, ah, ah. Correction: you had two AND A HALF glasses of wine.