Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay, look what you've done. I'm out of the picture for a year or so and you run off and start making ABC Family original movies?! What were you thinking!? And for that matter what were THEY thinking? Now that you've transmogrified into a kleptomaniac lesbian, you would think the Disney Corporation would have ruled you out as the star of a film for their supposed "family"-oriented channel!

Lindsay Lohan in Labor PainsOf course I watched Labor Pains—it was a Sunday night, I was drunk. The only other viewing option was to dip into my extensive collection of Kung Fu Girls porn VHS, but as it turns out, it was just as easy for me to cry and masturbate while watching you.

It goes without saying Labor Pains was bad. It was long and meandering, and they had you dating an Asian guy who sort of looked like a less masculine version of "Long Duck Dong." I also found it odd that your best friend was played by the same fish-faced actress who played your dad's love interest in Herbie Fully Loaded. (Remember that time we boffed in Herbie?! Ahhh, memories.)

You had only one good line in the whole movie: "I'm trying really hard not to fart right now." And well, it's always a bad sign when the best line in a movie is, "I'm trying really hard not to fart right now."

Being associated with the Nick Moose name couldn't possibly make you sink any further than you already have, Lindsay.You looked great though, I must say. It was good to see you've retired the emaciated bleach blonde Skeletor look in favor of something closer to your Mean Girls ginger kid classic style. But Lindsay, it's time you seriously started considering a comeback that involved making an actual movie-type movie. One that people could laugh and cry to, and see in a theater.

We've had our differences recently. The break up was messy and public, but I do want to be in your life.

I know how badly you want to star in a remake of Kitten with a Whip, and I think it's a primo idea. I always considered the original an unheralded classic of the delinquent beatniks who kidnap John Forsythe genre.

Here's what I'm thinking: I could write the script!

Just imagine you and me working as a team again! Being associated with the Nick Moose name couldn't possibly make you sink any further than you already have. Worst case scenario you would end up in a Playboy Channel original movie—and there's no one who doesn't want to see that!

You need this Lindsay. Your career needs this. Look at how far your old Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen costar Megan Fox has come! She's starring in multijillion dollar Michael Bay extravaganzas, acting alongside CGI effects so immense and overdone that you can't even distinguish what's happening on the screen! And let me tell you, the world loves loud, soulless, 85% computer animated Michael Bay movies, Lindsay. They don't even know why, but they do.

I don't really know what's going on with you and Samantha right now, but as a friend, please allow me offer up a bit of hopefully constructive relationship advice: date Megan Fox.

I know she said her lesbo fantasy would be Olivia Wilde, but she's just confused. Olivia has gained recognition playing some notable bisexual characters—Alex Kelly on The O.C., Thirteen on House—but you've lived it! Hell, the two of you could even have a threesome with Olivia! Now that would be good for all parties involved, and the United States of America as a whole.

And because I'm ready to be your friend now, I promise you, I will watch the three of you having sex ,even if you don't want me to jump in. Because that's how much my favorite "mean girl" means to me.