I'm almost at my 31st year of life on this planet, and in some of those years I've learned some learnings. I teacher youngsters all day, and I thought I'd continue this education by offering you fine people a few lessons. I won't even charge you tuition or activity fees.

Charlie Brown consoling KC
You can't say we've taught you nothing.
I know you'll probably blow through these tips to make your life less shitty. Maybe you'll think about them, maybe you won't. But take it from me and do your best to learn from my mistakes. Because Lord knows nobody else should go through the dipshit things I've done. Especially people with common sense.

Eating Raw Food Doesn't Make You a Badass

Sure, drinking raw eggs makes you seem almost as badass as "The Italian Stallion" Rocky Balboa, but you don't see Rocky shitting his scrambled brains out from salmonella. Take the extra two minutes and fry those boneless chicken dinners.

Quit Trying to Outdrink People Once You're Past 24

Your liver is a precious organ, and you've already done tons of damage to it. Actually, your liver sucks. Fuck that thing. What's it ever done for you? However, the rest of your body takes a lot of damage when you're double-fisting a bottle of McCormick's liquor and a 40-ouncer. And your hangovers get a lot worse too.

Never Ever Ever Try to Outdrink These Types of People:

  1. A waitress at a bar. She drinks, flirts and counts stuff for a living. No matter how much time you've put in, you won't win.
  2. A Korean businessman. He passes out on a street, wakes up, put his pants on the right way, and heads right back for the office. Do you have that kind of dedication?
  3. The quiet guy at the bar. Not only will he outdrink you, he'll drink anything. And then when he's good and loaded, he'll scare the pooplights out of you with stories about his ex wives, job, penis malfunction, impacted anus boil, or worse.
  4. Russians. They have no fear of death; do you really think they worry about alcohol poisoning?
  5. Ex-alcoholics: No matter how long they've been clean, they're still alcoholics on the inside. And now they're trying to undo all that sobriety.
  6. Fat girls: They don't have a thyroid problem, they have a margarita problem.

Don't Be an English Major (Unless You Want to Teach)

It's really one of the most worthless majors ever.

Save Your Money

Someday you're going to need it a lot more than you need another set of Nikes or speakers.

Use the Head

If you're running outside and you kind of have to take a crap and you see a bathroom, take a crap. Don't hold it. Because that bathroom won't follow you around. The need to crap will.

Keep Your Big Mouth Shut #1

KC dressed a vampire trying to scare a skeleton on HalloweenI'm not a huge fan of trash-talking. Especially when it's to guys twice your size, because all the ninja tricks in the world aren't worth shit when you can't reach somebody's face.

Keep Your Big Mouth Shut #2

When you break up with a girl, don't tell the world about all the crazy shit she did to you. Because girls' mouths open too, and they remember a lot more of your crazy shit and how small your weiner actually is.

Keep Your Big Mouth Shut #3

This is the most important one. When scrubbing your toilet, clamp your lips. Don't use the toilet brush as a microphone as you do a one-man Bruce Springsteen karaoke session in your bathroom. Because spraying your mouth with three-month old shitwater and Windex is a proper punishment for politicians and horse rapists, not guys trying to spruce up their apartments before big dates.