>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
April 7, 2004

Dear Nicole,

I am SO STRESSED. How can I relax??

Kallie
 

Dear Kallie,

College life can really wear you down with classes, homework, and social issues. And of course, there is the enormous amount of energy spent calculating whether we can go another week without doing laundry. The so-called “Laundry Equation” is quite complex, involving seam resistance, time/grime ratios, detergent volume, and other variables I really don’t understand. Someone once suggested that I would have trouble balancing a checkbook with the assistance of Einstein. I agree, but only because Einstein was bossy and difficult to work with.

But I digress. The fastest, most efficient way to relax is to brew yourself some soothing herbal tea, then inject it directly into your veins.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

 
Dear Nicole,

There’s this guy who seems like he’s following my me around campus. He’s actually pretty nice but way too clingy, and it seems like wherever I go, there he is around the corner. Do you think this could be a coincidence or should I be worried?

Jen
 

Dear Jen,

Always be suspicious of guys who do an excessive amount of lurking. Just keep your guard up… if not for yourself, at least do it for me. I don’t want to go out for a nice walk and end up finding you dead in a ditch somewhere. There’s just something about a freshly mutilated corpse that gives me the creeps.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

 
Dear Nicole,

I have a hard time talking… I’m very shy.. I’ve tried to snap out of it.. What should I do??

Brian
 

Dear Brian,

It sounds like your shyness may be the reason you have difficulty talking to people. Try to snap out of it.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

Dear Nicole,

Why is your column so damn cool?

Alex
 

Dear Alex,

Thank you! I owe this column's success to you, the reader. You have only reinforced my ardent belief in the passionate love affair between American college students and diversionary filler material. While other columnists focus on being “helpful” and “informative,” I work hard each week to provide you with answers entirely devoid of any meaningful content… that's the “Ask Nicole” difference.

Sincerely,
Nicole
 


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