>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
January 19, 2005

Dear Nicole,

It's not technically a crime if the minor's 18th birthday was the next day…right?

-Eric

Dear Eric,

Do you even know what “technically” means? ….Nevermind.

Sincerely,
Nicole


 
Dear Nicole,

I met this guy last semester, and about a month and a half ago, we started dating. I cheated on him about a month ago after getting smashed, and ended up telling him. We split up and went back to being friends. Now my he and my roommate are seeing each other. I still have feelings for him, and I can't stand that they're together. What should I do?

-Sharon

Dear Sharon,

From where I sit—a chair—any moral leverage you may have had disappeared when you got yourself hammered and made it with some other guy. Perhaps your ex will cheat on your roommate, thus completing the circle of betrayal. It may not be healthy, but at least it has mathematical elegance.

Sincerely,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I've been smoking marijuana for several years and having to take a drug test to get a job seems like an invasion of privacy. To me, a drug test can't determine my worth as an employee. I'm a professional computer nerd, I'm good at what I do, and like most people I enjoy getting stoned. Many of my buddies have started their own businesses so they can smoke all they want without having to worry about getting fired.

I'm thinking about starting a business of my own so that I can also enjoy a smoke without worrying. Seems to me getting stoned and driving isn't as bad as drinking half a bottle of 151 and going for a drive. I don't drive drunk… but I drive stoned all the time and have yet to have a problem with it.

-Jason

Dear Jason,

The guy with the problem usually isn't the stoned driver, it's the guy whose wife and kids you killed when you misjudged the distance between your '76 Dodge Dart and the Taco Bell driveway. Even so, smoking weed isn't as bad for you as, say, doing Pilates in a freshly-sharpened wheat thresher.

Sincerely,
Nicole


Dear Nicole,

Okay, I'm a manwhore and cheater in the process of changing…but it seems that everywhere I go, I get skank emails and cell phone calls from people who assume it's just an act. Is it wrong to pretend I've gone gay or Christian just so I lose the rep I've got?

-Thom

Dear Thom,

So you want to lose your rep as a cheater by becoming a liar? That's like ditching your speed habit by taking up heroin. Which worked really well for me. So whether you decide to break out your Bible or lighten your loafers, I'm sure your artless chicanery will overshadow any past indiscretions.

Sincerely,
Nicole

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