>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
March 6, 2005

One of the biggest problems affecting mankind has always been ownership of land. Think of the very room you're sitting in. Chances are someone died for that land… chances are the person who killed him likewise died later on defending it. And no doubt that new owner died, too. Perhaps from unrelated causes such as rheumatism, but that's because that bastard was too stubborn to move south during the winter.

Anyways land is valuable. That's why real estate is expensive. And that's why you'll probably have to get a roommate to help split the cost. I know what you're thinking “I don't live on land, I'm on the 6th floor of my apartment complex” HAHAHA SURE, and I'm living in an alternate dimension where space is endless and my jokes are funny. Would you believe this guy? …Oh you're serious.

Having a roommate is like being in a relationship, especially if your roommate is a girl that you are dating. It's the awkward last few weeks when you're still spending a lot of time together, but you don't really know why. Maybe because it's too much work to find a new “roommate” and other “friends” have better “care packages.” HINT: All current “roommates” of mine should let it go and stop calling. Just kidding she stopped a long time ago.

Because I broke her jaw.

With the power of my tongue. Grrrrrr!

Here's where it all went wrong.

Sharing is Caring

Death is always a really funny gag to play on your roomie!

What are you a f(*honk*)ing Care Bear? I'm afraid not, for you would have some colorful icon on your tummy showing exactly what your power is. If my roommate was a Care Bear, his tummy would have a real bear on it as he proceeds to rummage through all my food and on occasion maim me. I have to tie all my food up in trees. So I tried not to worry about this problem at first, but like those kids books say, “If you give a bear a biscuit, he's going to want some honey!” So I kissed him, but then he growled that I knew what he meant. Basically whenever my roommate's not clawing salmon out of a stream, he's borrowing something else of mine. One day he'll be out of shampoo. Another, he'll just need some cash. Laundry quarters, an undershirt, moving a body, he always needs something. Every time I get used to his requests he has another waiting. It's just something you have to live with. Don't ever try to call a roommate out on something either, because then he'll start his complaints about you. And he should, because you're probably a dick. “You make the bathroom dirty… Why don't you take out the trash? … I can't believe you called the Park Rangers on me!”

“And where did you hide the brownies your mom brought?”

Fight Night!

Every now and then you and your roommate have to blow a little steam and settle your differences like men… by playing silly boyish tricks on each other and competing in every way possible. Don't deny it, I've seen you. You in particular like to wrestle in your underwear with your roommate. It's natural! Guys need to fight their anger out in some way. Girls do so in a monthly fad called menstruation, in which all the pent up anger and crushes, materialized in the form of uterus lining, comes rushing out like demons from hell. I suggest that males not try this. Okay maybe once, but after that find a new way of expressing yourself. A common favorite is drawing penises on other's possessions. Way to go Van Gogh! C'mon guys can't we be a little more mature? Probably not. Just add some variety though. One day, refer to him not by his name but only as “King Gay.” Drool on his pillow while he's sleeping and then say that He did it. Even better WET HIS PANTS… with urine… while he's wearing them… fully awake. Be wary for retaliation, however. Always be prepared to go the next step. If he changes your desktop to a picture of naked men, hire male strippers! If he gets on your screen name and embarrasses you, reformat his hard drive, HA-HA! If he covers himself in ketchup and pretends to be dead to trick you, stab him in the chest! NOT SO DEAD ARE YOU NOW, BOY!

You have to say it fast though, because pretty soon he will be.

Sleeping Tom

My name's Mike. Sometimes your roommate will have weird sleeping habits, like staying up late. This is tough. You're trying to catch some Z's so you can get A's, but he's finally just started on his homework. And of course he's a music major because he's practicing banging the cymbals… with a minor in psychology, waking you up to ask what your dreams are about… with an interest in photography, checking to see if his flash still works. Luckily you're here on baseball scholarship so you can crack his head open with a bat. No? You're not that fortunate? Neither am I. What about when you're studying? Usually that's when he decides to watch TV or play some really loud computer game. Poking your shoulder going “You gotta see this!” every 5 minutes. Why can't he just sit there and read quietly! Oh wait he already did that while you were gone. Why? “Because you're too much of a distraction.” At any given time, your roommate will never choose the same activity as you, but rather one that inherently makes your task impossible.

Except if you want to take a shower, he'll always pick the exact moment as you.

Gary: You know Mike, I don't think you're holding up your end of the bargain.
Mikey: Me? Well you can just go to Hell!

*60 years later*

Devil: Well, Mike. I'm glad you came to Hell. I think you'll like your room, it has hot water and it's own fire place. Haha, that's just a little joke I like to throw in. Oh, and I believe you've already met your roommate…
Gary: Hey!
Mikey: Dammit, not again!
Gary: I call the Lava shower!