>>> The Hard Way
By staff writer Mike Faerber
February 13, 2005

Roses, chocolates, hearts; these are things we associate with Valentine’s day. The Lover’s Holiday. Like most holidays there is a true meaning that has been lost in the swirl of capitalist marketing and ignorance of symbolism in favor of CANDY! Jesus may be sweet, but candy canes and X-box’s are sweeter.

Unlike most holidays, Valentine’s Day is the only one that a significant portion of the public seems to despise. I’m not just talking about emo virgin nerds. Just about everyone has had a bad V-day experience at some point. No matter your relationship status, there is always something getting caught in the gears. No literally! Like when your robotic girlfriend suddenly jammed and emitted black smoke. What was that all about?

Here’s where it all went wrong.

Kraft Singles

I know it’s a cheesy title… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HERE’S WHAT SUCKS: In a holiday devoted to coupleness, you’re all alone. Awww, go ahead, play that “love bites, I hate this holiday” card. OR how about you throw a party instead so you have a FULL HOUSE! Nothing will make you forget how much people don’t like you like having them all in your living room. Dress up like cupid and shoot suction cup arrows at people. Why do you think god gave women bulls-eyes on their chest? If they complain, yank it off. If they yelp, tell them it wouldn’t hurt so much if their tits weren’t so hairy! Yeah it’s not very nice, but you’re lonely and cranky. Pettiness is very attractive to women. If you invited any couples to your party, be sure to ridicule them in some way. Tar ‘N Feather is a good choice, but doesn’t really fit the occasion. Here’s what you do: Blow on their tummies and then pour chocolate syrup all over them. Now put a smug look on your face because you’ve just turned them into chocolate covered strawberries. Lastly after everyone has left, go to the 24-hour drugstore and buy yourself Valentines. You’ll feel much better.

Valentines being the name of a cheap wine, naturally.

Puppy Love

A Valentine surprise from The Hard Way.

AWWW look at how cute the cuddley wuddley couple is. So you have a girlfriend do ya? Think you’re set for Valentine’s? Well truth is there is nothing extra romantic about this particular date, nonetheless she expects you to make it so. Otherwise you’re in the doghouse. Don’t look now, but she’s getting upset with you for reading my column instead of snuggling, big surprise. And you were expecting some “privileges” tonight too. Looks like you’re barking up the wrong tree, especially with that mighty piece of lumber you’re sportin’. It’s time you busted out the construction paper and made her a cute Valentine complete with poem. Ocean metaphors are good like, how you’re drowning in your love for her, or how you’re not afraid of the storms ahead, or how she’s an icy bitch, but you still want to ram her like the Titanic. If you do it right, you should feel light-headed and effeminate. What you’re experiencing is merely a loss of pride…or a loss of blood from your attempt to paper-cut your own throat with the card you just made.

Don’t worry, the collar will hide any scars.

Play Ball

So if you’re not dating, and you’re not single what else is there? Oh you’re a “Player.” You can’t count how many times you’ve been around the bases. Your favorite pitch is the screwball. Congrats buddy, you’ve figured it all out. You’ve got loads of candy, love notes, and viruses too no doubt. Your motto: “Can’t spell Valentine’s Day without V.D.” There really is no advice I can offer you, expect to get that boil lanced. Do you ever think about what you’re doing with your life? Hey now, why the gloomy look? You’ve got it made, bro. You’re a Man’s man. You’ve got more fuzz on your body that anyone I’ve seen. Although I think that green stuff is mold, and you should get that checked. Don’t have regrets, you didn’t make the rules of the game, you just play by them. Ok, look I think I know what’s bothering ya. See that blonde over there, go talk to her. However all you can do is talk and there are certain things you cannot say. This is called conversation. Remember, don’t say any of these:

– Are those breasts? Wow can I see those?
– I wanna know what your tongue tastes like.
– My shirt feels really take-off-able.
– Want to play Superman?
– I heard if you rub things together you create sparks.
– I don’t have an erection… wait I take that back.

Single Guy: Valentine’s Day sucks.
Dating Guy: Tell me about it.
Player Guy: Yea, you said it.
Single Guy: Why can’t I ever get a girl?
Dating Guy: You can have mine for a day. Hell, make it a week!
Player Guy: Naw I already tried that.