>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
June 6, 2004
I've been accused of a lot of wrongdoings since I've started writing this column: racism, sexism, homophobia, butchering of the English language. But the one that always hurts the most is when people tell me my articles are poorly researched. I took a lot of heat for my Oscar predictions article back in February because (god forbid) I hadn't seen a lot of the movies nominated. (Like it's my fault “Elf” wasn't nominated. Blame the Academy.)
Anyway, I've gone out and done a boatload of research and am happy to reveal that I have been given an inside look at the Fall lineups on all your favorite networks. Screw TV Guide, bunch of pandering asswipes. If you want the real dirt on the hottest shows on TV this fall, look no further.
A*S*S*W*I*P*E*S – Did the end of F*R*I*E*N*D*S leave a gaping void in your Thursday night crotch? Well, NBC is happy to introduce ASSWIPES, a new sitcom about six pals who sit around and talk about their dates, sex lives, jobs, and other trials and tribulations of attractive, upper-class white people. They do this for 22 straight minutes. They spend a lot of their time eating pizza and contributing nothing to society. Oh, and they all live in Detroit. Despite this, not one black person will ever set foot on the show. It's must-see, bitches!
Late Late Late Late Late So Late It's Practically Early Show with Chris Kataan – Chris Kataan takes his hysterical, never-obnoxious schtick to the coveted 4am spot on NBC, just two hours after Conan. Watch Chris banter with such A-list celebs as Fred Savage, Kathy Griffin, and musical guest Walla Walla Waltz Machine.
Blech – Jonathan Heinrich, best known as Bystander #2 in “Troy” stars in the new detective drama. It's kind of like Hack and Cold Case, except for…uh, well, it's a LOT like Hack and Cold Case. Detective Blech—or Joe, as his creative friends call him—goes around solving the same mysteries Columbo figured out thirty years ago. You've done it again CBS, America's most watched network indeed.
CSI: We're Not Even Trying Anymore – They're never going to kill this concept, are they?
Gangsta' Lovin – A former Blood is forced to share his apartment with a former Crip. They're the original Odd Couple! Hilarity ensues when Paco accidentally leaves his blue hat in Suge's laundry. And frankly it's about time black folk had a show they can relate to!
Gross Shit – It's the insanity of Fear Factor, but uhh, more insane! People from across the country compete to do the nastiest shit imaginable, and compete for oh, throw out a number…a million bucks! In the pilot episode: Ted and Mary, the Mormon couple, eat the asshole of a dead caribou. Jimmy and Khia, the jock and the skank, top them by taking a shit on each other's faces while humming Biz Markie's “Just a Friend.”
In their effort to remain the most purely evil network on TV, Fox has introduced a new crop of shows for the fall, and the best part is: we'll be hyping the shit out of them! By the ALCS, you'll want to kill yourself, it's the FOX attitude! Here's a sampling:
Who Wants to Marry this Goat? – Twelve of the smartest, most together, and emotionally stable women Fox could find will compete for the affections of a goat. But what they DON'T know is, this goat has RABIES!
Ocean Beach – The new Fox drama. And the best part is, we're not ripping off the OC at all! Seriously, we're not, this is all fresh. Stop saying we're ripping it off! Okay, you're making us mad!
Rape Victim Boxing – We find all these rape victims and let them box their attacker. Will she finally get justice, or will Rufie Poppa remain undefeated?
24 Promo – We all know you loves yo 24, so we've created an hour of TV that consists entirely of 24 promos. We know you'll watch. You can't help but watch.
Anything but the Family Guy – We at FOX know that people don't want to watch a smart, funny show like the Family Guy. Instead we'll shove American Idol and Swan and OC turds down your throat. People don't want to be entertained. They want manufactured drama, over-hyped garbage, and the most brain dead programming our idiot fuck brains can conjure. It's the FOX attitude!