>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
November 20, 2005

Editor's Update 11-22-05: The Daily Collegian apologizes to PIC.

So, I was reading Ali’s “Mind of a Single Girl” article last week (which I found fabulous by the way—that’s right, I said “fabulous”—sorry, I’ve got Sex and the City going in the background, I’ll turn it off). Anyway, Court linked it to my own “Mind of a Single Guy.” For those who haven’t read it, by all means, read. It is to literature what Chris Rock is to baseball. So enjoy. Don’t worry. I’ll wait.

*Whistles the tune from Love Boat*

Okay, you finished?

Well, thanks to reader Wes, I was informed of a strikingly similar article in the University of Massachusetts-Amherst paper, The Daily Collegian. That article, written by Mr. Ben Feder, is here.

Now, in case you’re wondering, “Single Guy” was published way back in 2003. Ben Feder’s screaming piece of plagiarism was published in April, 2005. So, sing it with me: RIPOFF!

“Maybe in four more years, he’ll learn never to plagiarize me again or I’ll cut his penis off, feed it to my dog, videotape the whole thing, and mail it to his lover, Simon.”

But, who exactly is Ben Feder, anyway? Oh sure, his name is dangerously close to “bed wetter,” but let’s be mature about this donkey cock for a second. I’d like to break down Mr. Feder, if I may, because honestly the two pieces are kind of different.

Me: That was a solid Shakira dream last night.
Ben Feder: That was a solid Lindsay Lohan dream last night.

Ok, Shakira and Lindsay Lohan are not that close. Shakira is an unbelievably sexy singer with a great voice and a spectacular ass. Oh my goodness, that ass. Lindsay Lohan, by contrast, is some kind of mutant—awful singer, hideous actress, not even that great of a rack, considering it’s most likely fictitious. So, if I may draw parallels, in a way, I am Shakira to Ben Feder’s Lindsay Lohan. Fascinating. I’m talented and entertaining. Ben Feder is a mutant with fucked up tits. Again, parallels.

Me: Shampoo is better…HAHA damn Billy Madison is funny.
Ben Feder: Shampoo might help me through. Damn Billy Madison is funny.

I can’t claim Billy Madison for my own. Millions of people have seen it. Am I the only one allowed to embrace Adam Sandler’s comedic masterwork? I think that would be awfully high horsey of me.

Me: Shaving is cool. Why do girls complain about shaving their legs? I damn near rip my jugular every morning. Boobs. Jugular is a funny word. So is mustard. I guess a lot of words are funny if you think about it.
Ben Feder: Shaving is cool. Why do girls complain about shaving their legs? I damn near rip my jugular every morning. Boobs. Jugular is a funny word, so is dynamite. I guess a lot of words are funny if you think about it. Dynamite.

Ok, he used “dynamite” instead of “mustard.” This gentleman is bursting with creativity. So who is Ben Feder anyway? Well, I tried to friend him on Facebook, but he has not yet accepted. Perhaps he was turned off by my introductory Facebook message: “You son of a fucking monkey's bitch. You ripped off my column, you're dead to me. Mind of Single Guy, sound fucking familiar? Your paper is done. I am taking legal action against you and your mom.”

Now. Looking back, I may have come across strong. So I read some of Ben’s other columns for The Daily Collegian. Here are some samples:

From “College was a party,” May 12:

“I once owned this campus; in a figurative sense anyway. Like all of us graduating seniors, I couldn't walk from the Campus Center to Herter without running into 30 friends and waving to 20 others.”

Isn’t this something a chick would write? “Look at me. Look at all the friends I have.” Isn’t this outrageously vaginal? My guess is, Ben has one friend, some deformed fuck named Scott with bad hair and worse teeth. Oh, and his hand. And his kiddie porn.

From the same column:

“Immediately the symbolism struck me. College is like a big party.”

Ooh, college is a party. What inspiration. Where did you come up with such a blistering metaphor? From Animal House? From Old School? From the fact that everyone and their mother, and their mother’s mother’s dead dog knows that? Hey Ben, you know what else: “Politics are corrupt.” Oh, and “Blacks steal.” Everyone knows that shit. Here’s the funniest part: that was the final column of his senior year, meaning it took him four years to put it together. Maybe in four more years, he’ll learn never to plagiarize me ever again or I’ll cut his penis off, feed it to my dog, videotape the whole thing, and mail it to his lover, Simon. Fuck Ben Feder in his asshole with a steel boot.

From “Bar Scenes and the Wild,” March 3:

“As a straight male, you can never suggest going to the bar, for this implies dancing.”

Huh? Since when is it gay to go to the bar with your boys? And who dances at bars? You mean clubs? Yeah, dancing goes on at bars, but you know what else? So does picking up chicks. Didn’t one of your 30 friends walking from Campus Center to Herter tell you that? Faggot. And what’s with the homophobia? It’s gay to go drinking with your buddies? Sounds like talk from someone who has no buddies. That’s awfully sad. Now who’s going to rape you when you’re feeling lonely?

From “The Facebook and fantasy,” Nov. 17:

“I am obsessed with the Facebook…My next thought was about fantasy sports.”

Oh right. We already covered this guy’s rides plagiarizing me like he probably rides little boys. Let’s just move on. Oh, and the riding little boys thing isn’t libelous because I said “probably.” As in, “Ben Feder probably smokes more pole than Nathan Lane.” Again, “probably.” It’s a valuable word.

From “Simplicity Scores points,” Feb. 3:

“Well, I was recently been in the company of four women in their living room, and I did some reporting on their thoughts on relationships and love as we watched The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (please don't judge; it was either that or Pretty Woman).”

Let’s start at the top. “I was recently been…” That’s not proper English. I realize The Daily Collegian is, well, daily, but don’t these dickheads have copy editors? Was recently been. Are you kidding me? As Lewis Black once asked, “How do you diagram that sentence? You take a pencil, and you stick it in your eye.” Next, now that we’ve established that he watched Divine Secrets with four women, and that he chose the PG-13 Sandra Bullock shitstorm over the movie where at least you see part of Julia Roberts’ ass—not that Pretty Woman is a good movie, but surely better than anything with “Ya-ya” in the title—we can assume he’s gay. And that’s fine, but he should at least come to terms with it, and not accuse guys going to the bar with other guys of the same sexual practice. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, but don’t live by a double standard.

There’s more, I could tell you about how in his tips to men column, tip number 2 is “Don’t lie” and tip number 3 is “Be honest.” Or how he’s giving dating advice a week after he claimed he was single. I’m single, do I carry on like the old braud on TV that talks endlessly (and horrifyingly) about orgasms? Please tell me if I do. Or his claim that Will and Grace “boasted primetime with humor.” Or his claim that The OC is a sitcom. And a good one at that! I could go on and on, but all I can do is implore you, dear reader, to observe the Ben Feder archives, provided here.

So there you have it, Ben Feder is a douchebag. If I were you, I’d Facebook message him with the following:

Plagiarism n.: Taking the writings or literary concepts (a plot, characters, words) of another and selling and/or publishing them as one's own product. Quotes which are brief or are acknowledged as quotes do not constitute plagiarism. The actual author can bring a lawsuit for appropriation of his/her work against the plagiarist and recover the profits. Normally plagiarism is not a crime, but it can be used as the basis of a fraud charge or copyright infringement if prior creation can be proven.

I realize Ben’s column was written way back in April, but Ben still needs to learn a lesson. Points in Case is not some humdrum source for your lies and deceit. As a writer, I am truly saddened and ashamed to call Ben Feder one of my own.

Also, he’s a giant horse’s cock and I hope he dies in a car fire.