« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers

It's a well-known fact that women can easily be compared to food.  That's why I'm writing another column comparing women to food.  I like my column topics like I like my women: easy and simple.  Come to think of it, I like everything in my life easy and simple, with the possible exception of crossword puzzles.  Easy crossword puzzles are a waste of ink.  If I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure out an eight letter word for a region of Europe I was previously ignorant of, the crossword creator dude has failed.

There's nothing wrong with sluts, just like there's nothing wrong with casual dining dinner.I'm rambling again aren't I?

Anyway, in the interest of brevity and good cheer (as opposed to bad cheer) I'm moving on to explain to many of you men (and some of you women) what kind of meal to which you may compare your significant others.  In many ways, I'm like a super-sexy God of the written word.  This column, however, will not be an example of one of those ways. 

The Fast Food Dinner Chick

McDonald's balloonWe all know why we love fast food.  Fast food combines three classic American favorites: it is cheap, fast, and horrible for us.  The female equivalent thereof then is typically ugly (or at least below your level of sexy, you beautiful man you), fat, and ready to go at a moment's notice.  You know your chick is a Fast Food Dinner if none of your friends find her attractive and you never have to buy her anything to keep her happy and she's ready to suck you off three seconds after you arrive unannounced. 

The Fast Food Dinner is okay occasionally, but people who make regular use of the Fast Food Dinner Chick, much like those who make regular use of fast food, are just disgusting slobs. 

We've all had this chick.  And we are all (rightfully) ashamed. 

The Casual Dining Dinner Chick

Applebee's and women's clothesCasual dining is essentially making use of most of the attributes of a sit-down dinner in public but without all the muss and fuss of a great meal.  Basically, the female equivalent of the kind of fare served at Applebee's or the Outback or (God rest its soul) the late Bennigan's is a raging slut. 

The thing about a good raging slut is, she may bone every bone in town but she can't make it obvious that she bones every bone or she won't get to bone the bones she wants to because every bone will know just how boned she been and by whose bone she been boned.  So the total slut puts on the act.  She wears the dresses, she wants dinner and a movie, she tries her best to act classy and refined, and then the second you're getting bored with her lack of personality, her popcorn butter-covered hands are jacking your Johnson in the middle of the movie theater. 

There's nothing wrong with sluts, just like there's nothing wrong with casual dining dinner.  The thing is though, neither one of them will impress your friends or your mom.   

The Quaint Gourmet Restaurant Dinner Chick

Quaint, gourmet restaurantAll across the world there are little restaurants that never quite classify as four-star establishments but nevertheless serve awesome freaking meals.  Many times these restaurants are in converted houses or old buildings.  Often times these restaurants have been around for decades and ownership has actually passed from father to son or mother to daughter or father to daughter or mother to son with the possibility of a great uncle or crazy cousin thrown in along the way.  Many of these restaurants have totally awesome specials or one or two entrees for which they are famous, great service, and not much else. 

The female equivalent of The Quaint Gourmet Restaurant Dinner is no slut.  Much like the restaurant, she's just not that easy to get into.  Oh sure, you can make a reservation and wait and sometimes she can even sneak you in if you time it right, but for the most part, this dinner just isn't available the second you may want it.  And that's fine. 

The Quaint Gourmet Restaurant Dinner Chick usually has some non-sex-related quality that will impress your friends.  She probably plays an instrument or speaks foreign languages or can solve a Rubix cube in less than sixty seconds.  Your mom is typically not disappointed if you bring home The Quaint Gourmet Restaurant Dinner Chick.  But she knows you can do better if you'd just apply yourself.  Loser. 

The Four- and Five-Star Dinner Chick

Five star restaurant mealLet's face it: unless you grew up rich and you look like you could pass for one of Brad Pitt's relatives, you don't deserve the Four- and Five-Star Dinner Chick.  She's usually a model.  Or a hot foreigner.  Or a hot foreign model.  And much like the dinner at one of these places, you don't deserve her, can't afford her, and will probably screw it up. 

In the restaurant, I always have an issue with using the wrong fork.  With the women, I always find a way to show up drunk at inappropriate moments and sleep with their moms.  Life is trying sometimes. 

Anyway, this chick will cost you a ton of money, will look and feel great, and will find a way to get you talking to God. Man, I wish I was rich. 

The Home-Cooked Meal

This is a metaphor for incest.  And that's all I'm typing about that. 

The Feast/Barbecue Bitches

BBQ dinner spreadAbout once a year in America, we have Thanksgiving.  There are a few other traditional feast times in the U.S.  Basically, this is when there is no shortage of food and it is all plentiful and good.  Gentlemen, the female equivalent of the feast or the barbecue are the hotties that cream in their pants just looking at you, which causes other hotties to get jealous of the creaming hottie, which means you're basically banging three or more bitches in the same week per week for a period of weeks. 

Much like barbecues and feasts, these occurrences are not all that common.  But they are also awesome.  And they satiate you.  And when they're gone, you talk about these meals for far too long.  The Feast Bitches are noteworthy, if not for their quality, then for their quantity. 

Women are essentially a renewable resource, like food.  Men love women and we love food.  We can eat both, we can't live without either of them, and there is a heck of a variety out there on the planet.  Some might think it's sexist to compare women to food.  Some are uptight assholes.  Women are dying to be defined by super hot geniuses like me and that's why I always say, to every woman I've loved or entertained, to every fine chick that's come my way, and to the beautiful women of the world in general, "Damn bitch, you so fine I'd like to dip you in gravy and lick you ‘til you pop."

What can I say?  I'm a romantic.