>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 116 – February 13, 2005

“Because long-term planning is for Communists”

Now Playing: “The Letter” by The Boxtops

There are people out there who have been planning their Spring Break adventure since they were in a bassinet. Not me, however. I live by the seat of my pants, even though I don't know what that means really. That's why, since this week happens to be Spring Break, I think it's time I get the planning phase of my vacation out of the way. I've got 12 hours to figure out what to do for the week off, and I only have a few borderline retarded ideas. Here's what happened:

-Visit Local Pool: Ok, so you can't afford to go down south to some tropical destination and lie on the beach next to a topless model and drink out of a hollowed-out pineapple, but so what? You've got something better, right there at home: The local recreation center's swimming pool. Nothing quite captures the magic of showering next to an 80-year-old man's liverspotted ass. Plus, you get to use those awesome floating pool noodles. Take that, Cancun!

-Rent Kangaroo Jack: There's been a lot of debate about the pinnacle of American film. If you ask the experts they'll tell you the best movie ever is Citizen Kane, despite the fact that it's almost 3 hours long and it turns out Rosebud was just the name of his sled. Goddamn that was disappointing. Now if you want to see true cinematic greatness, I suggest you head on down to the local Blockbuster Video and Black Market Organ store to rent Kangaroo Jack, a film that includes both a black guy AND a talking CGI kangaroo. Hey, this is what happens when you let Jerry Bruckheimer into the meth lab.

-Return Items You Didn't Buy to Wal-Mart: Did you know you can return anything to Wal-Mart, even without a receipt? Since Wal-Mart sells pretty much everything on the planet, this means it's possible to convince the highly motivated customer service representative to give you a refund on whatever crap you happen to have on you at the time. It doesn't matter if it's a half-eaten bartlet pear or the underwear you're currently wearing (the one with all those orange stains of indeterminate origin), Wal-Mart will take it back and at worst you'll get store credit. You can use this credit to buy even more crap from Wal-Mart, and the circle of life continues.

-Drink Six Pounds of Turkey Gravy: While traditional Spring Break-ers are off spending hundreds of dollars on alcohol, I've got the perfect substitute for you stay-at-home types: Turkey Gravy. It's possibly the cheapest substance on the planet, and the tryptophan in the turkey will give you a mild buzz WITHOUT the hangover. To most closely approximate the Spring Break atmosphere, chug six pounds of brown gold and watch the magic unfold. The best part is after you throw it all up you can return it to Wal-Mart for store credit (see above).

-Memorize State Capitals for Local Geography Bee: The United States of America has at least 50 state capitals, and the average person knows no more than three of them (and that's if you incorrectly include New York and L.A.). If you're going to win the local geography bee, and I know you want to, you're going to have to learn that the capital city of Alabama is Montgomery, the capital of Louisiana is Baton Rouge, and the capital of Maine is irrelevant to the global economy. When your friends get back from their boring old vacations you can impress them by showing off your silver medal and $50 gift certificate to Red Lobster. Hey, you can't win first prize with “irrelevant to the global economy.”

-Attend a Female Circumcision Ritual: There are some religions that although I haven't looked it up probably include Islam, that mutilate the genitals of the females in order to preserve their virginity or some other batshit lunatic idea. These female circumcision rituals make great theater, however, as you're unlikely to find more authentic sounding screams this side of Guantanamo Bay. If you want to find out where these wonderful events take place, just make friends with some Islamic people by loudly declaring your hatred for America (be sure it's Islamic people who do this first, otherwise you might make friends with them for nothing). Bring popcorn and take lots of pictures.

-Qualify for Special Olympics: It's amazing how often people with mental handicaps are able to effortlessly blend into mainstream society. Just look at David Arquette if you don't believe me. The good news is you can use this to your advantage, by spending Spring Break training to compete against these mental midgets (no offense to regular midgets). If you can fake a nervous tick you've got what it takes to make up for that silver medal you won in the geography bee. I hear if you win the Special Olympics the medals are actually chocolate wrapped in foil.

-Find Out Why They're Called “Boysenberries”: For those of you looking for a little Spring Break research project, and I know you're out there, this last-minute idea is just for you. Long has mankind wondered why boysenberries have that silly name that sounds so much like “poisonberries.” Not much of a selling point if you ask me. Your research will probably take you to the grocery store, where you will pester the savvy produce boy about this until he calls the store detective, a burly Italian man with a receding hairline named Antonio. At this point your fear of confrontation will prevent you from proceeding any further, and the mystery lives on.

-Off-Topic Corner: Where do really tall people buy their blankets? Because I'm five eleven and if I grow another inch I'm going to have to find a special store. If I'm really lucky maybe they'll have a huge gumball machine too; those are pretty keen.

-Forward Text-Heavy to All Your Friends: I know I've suggested that readers of this column don't have any friends but now's your chance to prove me wrong. This Spring Break, tell everyone you've ever met in your entire lifetime about this column. For your convenience, I have included a sample email to go along with the link you'll be sending around: “Hello friend/relative/parole officer, it's me, the person writing this email! Long time no speak, eh? Anyway, I found this really annoying racist Jewish Canadian kid who thinks he's funny. Check it out! What a looser! Anyhows just thought I'd pass it along of my own free will, without being prodded to do so at all. It's so not funny he can't even give it away for free. Well, back to surfing for furry porn.” Thanks in advance.