By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 104 – October 24, 2004
“Because They Can't All Be Winners”
Now Playing: “God Only Knows” by Mandy Moore & Michael Stipe
Text-Heavy is all about risk-taking. Sometimes the risks pay off, and the article is a hit, while other times I get scores of hate mail (yes, scores!) calling me a racist bigot. For every great article about Friend Hookers or How I'm Going to Die there are dozens of articles that just don't “make the cut.” I have compiled a list of several such articles here to illustrate my point and to save me the time of actually producing original comedy as per my Points in Case contractual obligation. Here's what happened:
–The Correct Spelling of Diffikult Words: I like to consider myself a bit of a lyngwist, so I thought I would show off my gnawlij of English by hailieting several common mispellings. This idea was put on holde when I discovered there was already a whole buk written on the subject, by some knowbody named “Webster.” After careful reesurch, I discovered he was NOT related to the guy who invented Napster. Satiated, I returned to my opeeum den.
–Halloween in Iraq: This column is all about how our brave men and women overseas celebrate Halloween. From dressing up POW's in festive-colored hoods, to Halloween pranks involving toilet paper, eggs, and 40,000 volts of electricity applied directly to the genitals, it's all about holiday fun in Baghdad. This idea has been put on hold pending the outcome of a costly lawsuit and my acceptance into the Witness Relocation Program. I blame the Democrats.
“I say boxers and briefs go head to head in a match for Undisputed Underwear Champion of the World. But they just lay there.”
–Start Your Own Abortion Clinic: Abortion is a touchy subject. Notice here how I use the word “touchy” in the sense of “profitable.” In this article, readers learn how to make money off of the suffering of indiscriminate teenagers and rape victims alike. We cover all the bases, from choosing a location (“The ironing table at the local laundromat is frequently left unattended”) to gathering your materials (“If using a metal coat hanger, be sure to implement proper sterilization techniques”). This column will be released just as soon as certain key Christian groups lighten up…by which I mean never.
–Your Pills Are Making You Gay: Everyone's seen those commercials with the Zoloft Rock smiling contentedly as the narrator reads the long list of possible side effects that the Zoloft rock may soon be experiencing. What Zoloft Rock doesn't know is that the pills he is taking are turning him into a homosexual. It's only a matter of time before Zoloft Rock asks another drug mascot, say a Fred Flintstone Vitamin Tablet, to the narcotics dance. Of course, Fred will reject Zoloft Rock saying “I am sorry, Zoloft Rock, but I am not gay and only like you as a friend.” This will cause Zoloft Rock to spiral into a fit of depression, where he binges on Neapolitan-flavored ice cream and even more Zoloft, which in turn will make Zoloft Rock even gayer than he already is. I think we can see why this one was shelved.
–Ancient Indian Burial Grounds of the Future: What will the future be like? Scientists have wondered about this for dozens of years, and they seem to have decided that the future will involve many flying cars and a growing obesity problem. But what of the Ancient Indian Burial Grounds of the future?Will they be like the Ancient Indian Burial Grounds of today, all haunted and capable of raising the dead? Or will they be futuristic paradises where one can take their loved ones on vacation, like Sea World? So many questions. The world may never know the answers, because this column has been cancelled due to budget constraints. Do you have any idea how much it would cost to murder and bury an entire tribe of Indians?
–How to Pee in Public: If you've ever gotten drunk before a night on the town only to realize you've left the comforts of your home toilet for the harsh bitter outdoors before properly relieving yourself, then this column is for you. Topics covered include: “The bus driver can't see what you're doing if you sit towards the back,” “Fire Hydrants: Not just for dogs anymore,” and “Dark pants: Friend or foe?” Sadly, readers will have to urinate in public without my guidance, as this column was abandoned on the grounds of it being a really fucking stupid idea.
–The Idiot's Guide to Forging Doctor's Notes: Doctor's notes are a godsend for the modern college student. They allow you to get out of class, retake an exam, or hand a paper in late. Unfortunately, there are a good many doctors out there who actually require you to be sick before they will bless you with a note. This column offers an alternative to sitting under a heat lamp for sixteen hours hoping to catch lupus: forgery. Readers will learn the tricks of the trade for creating realistic-lookingdoctor's notes, including making squiggly, unintelligible signatures and coming up with diseases worthy of sympathy but not alarm. After all, you don't want your professor to send your parents a bouquet of chrysanthemums after you hand him a note claiming you're in the final stages of an intense battle with polio.
–Boxers vs. Briefs – The Final Battle: Things sure have changed since grade school, when the number one criteria for underpant selection was how easily the fabric would tear when you were given an atomic wedgie. These days, young adults are faced with a bevy of undergarment options, including texture, stretchiness, and whether or not you want Spongebob Squarepants on the front. (Yes.) In this column, boxers and briefs go head to head in a three-count ladder match for Undisputed Underwear Champion of the World. This column was rejected because when I attempted to simulate the epic battle the underwear just lay there in a pile, like they didn't even care who won. I eventually abandoned the idea and moved on to trying to get the skidmarks out.
–Japanese People Are Weird and They Frighten Me: Only in Japan could they successfully create a fetish revolving around dressing up as your favorite underage anime character and farting in a small room. Only in Japan would it be okay to produce a game show where the object is to consume the largest amount of horse feces. Not here in (North) America. Here in (North) America, we draw the line at eating horse testicles, and even then only on cable. This column illustrates these and many other poignant differences between Japan and (North) America, but unfortunately it just didn't have enough “comedy” in it for publication. Not that this ever stopped me from publishing this paragraph. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. At least I'm not in Japan.
–Rejected Column Ideas, Volume II: What can I say? I promise I'll never make the same mistake twice.