>>> Balls to the Wall
By staff writer Dan Opp
December 14, 2005
On this day in history, Tuesday, December 13th, 2005, six brave young men will descend onto the Pi Lambda Phi fraternity house with a unified goal in mind: to drink a case of beer in a single day. Completion of the case-a-thon is a momentous achievement and earns one the respect and admiration of his peers.
1. The case-a-thon begins when the first beer is opened and ends at midnight.
2. Puking or passing out ends your case-a-thon.
3. Puking also voids all progress for record-keeping purposes.
The six contestants, in ascending order of penis size, are: B-Rock, Mike, Polish Pete, Ryan, Steve-o, and myself. Being veterans of the case-a-thon and having easily completed it last semester, Steve-o and I are each going for 36 beers. Basically, we have to average a beer every 20 minutes FOR 12 HOURS. This is certainly an optimistic goal, but if successful, we will join the pantheon of all-time drinking greats.
“3:20 PM – Steve-o, obviously out of it, declares that the time is now 4, specifically citing that the display on the digital cable box now shows 0004.”
Before the day has even started, we’ve already lost two combatants. B-Rock has decided to study for his physics final. Mike wants to sleep. Anyone can talk a big game, but when it’s time to put your liver where your mouth is, the weak tend to shrivel up quicker than Barry Bonds’ nutsack before batting practice. What follows is a running diary of the case-a-thon, with post-game notes in italics.
10:50 AM – We crack open our beers and begin the long journey.
10:57 AM – Steve-o polishes off beer #1. I’m in hot pursuit.
11:08 AM – While talking case-a-thon strategy, I offer these words of wisdom to the group: “You can’t do the case-a-thon alone. You need someone else there to give you moral support. Like, every time somebody finishes a beer, it makes you stop for a second to re-evaluate your own beer.”
11: 24 AM – Ryan gets up for the day’s first piss. Breaking the seal is of little concern today. We have bigger fish to fry.
11:50 AM – One hour down. It’s time for a progress report. Steve-o just cracked open #7. Ryan’s killed 3 and change. Polish Pete is working on #5. I’m about to finish off #4.
12:00 PM – Steve-o stumbles upon the realization that the soap holder in the bathroom sink is as big around as a beer bottle. We now have a convenient temporary placeholder for our beers during the frequent bladder purging that is to occur.
12:06 PM – I just tried out our newfound beer holder. It’s perfect. It’s like our sink was designed with the drunk, beer-toting urinator in mind. I’m absolutely astounded by this.
12:10 PM – We decide to browse all the movie channels. As usual, despite the fact that we have roughly 4000 movie channels, almost nothing good is on. We decide to watch Pi. I’m gonna go ahead right now and say that’s a bad decision. This movie is a total mindfuck, not the type of input you need when you’ve got dozens of beers to drink.
12:45 PM – Because we go to a tech school, we’re all huge dorks and the conversation unavoidably devolves to computers. This gets us reminiscing over the days of our youth when the Apple IIe was the pinnacle of home computing technology. In 4th grade, we used the IIe’s to aid our math curriculum and I was the fuckin’ man at “Number Crunchers.” I just thought you all should know that.
12:50 PM – Two hours down. Steve-o is taking an extremely aggressive approach and has sent an entire 12 pack past his lips in 120 minutes. Daylight just broke upon Ryan’s 8th beer. Polish Pete just cracked open #9. I’m draggin’ ass, having just finished #7. As the day drags on and the drinking pace slows down, the progress reports will become more infrequent.
1:10 PM – 1:30 PM – I take some time out to check my fantasy teams. Even during the most extreme distractions, I cannot knowingly neglect my loyal troops.
1:30 PM – Pi is over and having not paid much attention to it for the past hour and a half, I’m glad. Someone throws on Lewis Black’s stand-up and I smile. This is much funnier material for me to ignore as I relentlessly spout nonsense to all within earshot.
1:40 PM – We collectively decide that Lewis Black’s comedy requires too much active thought to comprehend, so somebody throws in Bad Santa. It’s simple and Christmassy.
1:50 PM – Steve-o continues his breakneck pace, as he’s currently working on beer #18. It’s been 3 hours. This kid’s a champ. Ryan’s got 9½ down. He’s entertaining thoughts of inadequacy because of Steve-o’s drinking prowess, but I assure him that he’s doing just fine and he doesn’t look fat in those jeans. Polish Pete’s tackling #13. He’s making impressive progress for a case-a-thon rookie. Like Ryan, I’m working on beer #10, and although we’re bringing up the rear, experience tells me a consistent pace is an integral part of any successful case-a-thon.
2:23 PM – Polish Pete cuts up some potatoes and makes some homemade French fries.
Me: These are surprisingly rejuvenating.
Ryan: Yeah, they make me want to drink beer.
2:57 PM – Midway through his 14th beer, Polish Pete pukes EVERYWHERE. The first stream comes unexpectedly, but once he’s decided that his demise is inevitable, it flows with reckless abandon, producing the biggest pile of vomit I’ve seen in a long time. The TV room, my sanctuary, has been violated by the unforgiving stench of a half-case worth of regurgitation. The case-a-thon field has been narrowed to three.
3:20 PM – Steve-o, obviously out of it, declares that the time is now 4, specifically citing that the display on the digital cable box now shows 0004.
3:24 PM – Kevin, who’s not participating in the case-a-thon, declares, “I forgot to put on underwear this morning.” The drinkers find this hilarious.
3:25 PM – STEVE-O IS ALREADY FINISHED WITH THE CASE-A-THON!!! Many men have tried and failed when given 12 or more hours to finish this quest. Steve-o has completed the case-a-thon in little more than 4 ½ hours. Impressive to say the least. Homosexually attractive to say the most.
3:50 PM – Steve-o’s working on 25. Ryan is just about to finish #14. He’s well ahead of his pace for 24 by midnight. Somehow, I ripped through 5 beers in the last two hours and am now working on #15.
4:15 PM – Steve-o’s fucked. He starts to pass out. I wake him up. He stumbles away. Without our help, he won’t make 36. That said, he’s making me look like a pansy right now.
4:21 PM – Steve-o still wonders how it remains to be 4 after all this time has passed. The cable box still shows 0004.
4:27 PM – Steve-o starts to pass out again. Ryan and I wake him up. He claims that it’s all good. Ryan and I can clearly see that it is not all good.
4:45 PM – Shit starts getting out of control. Steve-o spills part of his beer and licks it off the floor. Ryan says he plans to take a huge rip off his 6-foot bong and “vomit all over the place.” At this point, anything goes. Keep in mind, the night is still young.
5:40 PM – Tom Cruise and Minority Report barely leave my wits about me. I’m falling off pace for 36. Only a miracle and a much bigger liver can save me now.
5:50 PM – Steve-o is tumbling headlong into beer #30. He’s making history here. All the records that we previously held as untouchable are very much within reach today. Ryan and I are both steamrolling through #19. His drinking glory is nigh. Mine is much more distant and improbable.
6:18 PM – Steve-o suggests we play beer pong to keep ourselves busy and maintain a literally dizzying pace. I think this is a good idea.
Beer pong turned out to be a very bad idea. After pounding back-to-back cups, my body could no longer take the continual chugging that comes with beer pong. I made a beeline for the door and got to the porch railing just in time to watch my last few beers splash onto the ground below. In about 8 hours, I had put down 21 beers, 3 short of the case-a-thon, and barely past the halfway mark to an unprecedented 36. Ryan didn’t last much longer, also bowing out after 21. Steve-o tried to forge on by himself, but like I said, you can’t do a case-a-thon alone. He ended up booting and passing out 9 beers into his second case, bringing his grand total for the day to an impressive 33 beers. Everyone put forth their best effort, but glory will have to wait for another day.