Ever wondered what Mario's favorite drink is? Or how murderous of a drunken rampage Big Bird would go on before putting the gun to his own head? Of course not! You're a sane person.

However, after retiring from four years at Fraternity, Inc., my mental lucidity has waned. The withdrawal symptoms from lack of Keystone Light and effortless play have become nearly unbearable. Thus, my mind has begun to wander deeper and deeper into the increasingly obscure depths of Funny-shit-that-has-to-do-with-alcohol Ville. Hence, the penning of this article.

But it's made me realize something funny/sad: since gradation, getting completely shit-faced has become nostalgic, and four-dollar black-you-out long islands from Earl's have become the Halloween candy of the new generation.

Is that how it's going to be in a few decades? Us Generation-Y geezers sitting around reminiscing about peeing on hobos the way our parents do about black and white TV? If so, bring it on. In the meantime, let's find out how Luke Skywalker likes his Han Solo Cock Martini.

1. Homer Simpson

Homer SimpsonDrink of Choice: Duff beer.

Plans for the Night: Somehow manage to still be funny after almost two decades; finally get hepatitis B vaccination to rid body of jaundice.

Following Morning: Rob increasingly-senile Mr. Burns; sell Marge's hair to science.


2. Darth Vader

Drink of Choice: Dark rum.

Plans for the Night: Make sure Storm Troopers can't see tears through mask.

Following Morning: Work on tan/rebuilding empire. Keep telling self that universal domination is more important than getting laid.


3. Harry Potter

Harry PotterDrink of Choice: Fire whiskey.

Plans for the Night: Take Hermione's v-card, Draco's life.

Following Morning: Slay dragon, both literally and metaphorically.


4. Ron Weasley

Drink of Choice: Zima.

Plans for the Night: Hide in closet, beat it to Harry/Hermoine, cry.

Following Morning: Down entire bottle of Sleeping Draught, curl up in symbolic fetal position of mediocrity.


5. James Bond

James BondDrink of Choice: Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.

Plans for the Night: Acquire STD, survive unrealistic chase scene, pause reality with Q-patented time-stopper to think up seemingly-impromptu witty response.

Following Morning: Acquire STD, survive unrealistic chase scene, pause reality with Q-patented time-stopper to think up seemingly-impromptu witty response.


6. Indiana Jones

Drink of Choice: Sam Adams.

Plans for the Night: Tarnish legacy, make bank.

Following Morning: Receive handjob from George Lucas.


7. Robin Hood

Robin HoodDrink of Choice: Communism.

Plans for the Night: Continue to preach hypocrisy/wear gay hats.

Following Morning: Get the fuck out of Sherwood Forest, where he would easily be spotted and captured after continuously robbing the same people.


8. Luke Skywalker

Drink of Choice: Han Solo's cock, straight up, several twists.

Plans for the Night: Bang sister.

Following Morning: Cry alone.


9. Santa Claus

Santa ClausDrink of Choice: White Russian.

Plans for the Night: Flying Under the Influence, reindeer bestiality, cookie binge/insulin spike.

Following Morning: Find out that “Diabetes” is not the name of his Physician; have left foot surgically removed.


10. Easter Bunny

Drink of Choice: Fireball on the rocks.

Plans for the Night: Plot murderously from the bushes as kids everywhere dye his babies' coffins festive, mocking colors.

Following Morning: Kill you. Yes, you.


11. Batman

BatmanDrink of Choice: Black Label.

Plans for the Night: Build up courage to tell Alfred to stop grabbing his ass.

Following Morning: Cringe at reports of daytime robberies; figure out how to get bat sign to work during morning/afternoon.


12. Mario

Drink of Choice: Absinthe.

Plans for the Night: Eat mushrooms, trip out.

Following Morning: Climb out of sewer pipe, wonder why King Koopa doll is missing its head.


13. Big Bird

Big BirdDrink of Choice: Anything that numbs the pain.

Plans for the Night: Snap, go on murderous rampage, enjoy resistant-free necrophilia with Snuffleupagus carcass.

Following Morning: Put gun in mouth, pull trigger.

Well, that about does it for this episode of The Drunken Personalities of Fictional Characters. Next week we'll find out what the cast of LOTR is like under the influence, what kind of noise Piglet makes when forced into submission by Pooh, and what outrageous plans await the physical embodiment of various ideologies.

Allen Waters

Continue to 13 Fictional Characters and What They Would Do Under the Influence, Round II »