Men in Black II poster

I used to reorganize my Neflix queue about once or twice a day. But when I moved to Korea, leaving that wonderful service behind made me feel truly sad and alone. I started downloading stuff, but in order to do that properly, you need even more stuff. I bought a computer and started cruising the internet. Then I moved to an apartment that required me to sign up for a two-year contract for the net. So I decided to return to the Stone Age and skip the internet entirely. This sent my Facebook scrolling, porn viewing, and movie torrenting way down.

Then one day as I bought flowers for my girlfriend (I know the best petal shop in town because I need them constantly for my frequent idiotic actions) I spotted a video rental place. I stepped inside to find walls and walls of Korean comic books, the only thing Koreans seem to read. Then I came across a few rows of DVDs. There's no real rhyme or reason to the organization. The flicks aren't alphabetized, sorted by genre, or even put next to their sequels: the original Home Alone isn't near the other who-knows-how-many shitty Home Alones.

But I remembered how fun searching the crappy local video store could be. I found movies I never thought I'd see or watch. I picked up a couple, and you know what? They cost me less than a buck a piece for an entire week!

So I started grabbing such classics such as Toy Story 3 (I just never got around to seeing this one), 2012 (it was the year 2012, I thought I better witness the hype), The Transporter (that bald English guy makes cool movies you don't need to think to watch), the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street (the original original was cool, this one totally sucked) and Signs (everyone I know said this sucks, but I needed to see for myself).

My friends wonder what the hell I'm doing with my free time seeing crap like Panic Room and Eagle Eye, but since I don't get high and turn on my cable, I just do the next best thing. And I think this is awesome. I don't feel so homesick and I am completely entertained by some of the floppiest of flops.

The other day I was perusing the stacks for my next mockbuster when I saw the empty case for Men in Black II. Shucks. Somebody had beaten me to the punch. Then I realized, "I'm probably the first person on the entire planet for the past seven or eight years to be excited to see Men in Black II, and then disappointed the store didn't have it." Whoa. That's a pretty intense thought. Or not really, I've been hit in the head a lot of times and apparently my movie tastes took a beating because of the cranium injuries.

Then I called my girlfriend and asked her an equally bizarre question: "Hey babe, the video store doesn't have Lake Placid, and I really feel like watching a movie about alligators. Could you download it for me please?"

"Have you been licking the lead pipes in your bathroom or are you completely drunk on a Tuesday afternoon?" she replied. "And if you're smoking up, tell me who your weed dealer is." (Marijuana is completely illegal in this country, punishable by deportation.)

I don't watch trash TV, but I guess I do watch trash movies. I also read a lot of books though. So maybe that evens things out.

Nobody is going to mistake me for a cultural genius, but guess what? Renting crummy motion pictures makes me happy, and I've realized that's the most important thing to me right now. So you'll have to excuse me while I decide whether to watch Disturbia or Yes Man next.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.