This morning, while talking on the phone at work, I heard myself say this sentence: “I endorse it wholeheartedly.” Now, I was talking about a technical aspect of a sub-account that I often work with (stop yawning). But later, well, I realized that there just aren’t that many things that I do endorse wholeheartedly. So, because I love lists like fat women love not working, I’m busting out the top five products that, if anyone were willing to pay me, I would endorse wholeheartedly. To quote the kid who was behind me in line at the Chic-Fil-A this morning, “Quit with the foreplay and order ya’ damn food already.”

Kids, they grow up so fast…

Anyway, on to my top five products and how I would endorse them, if given the chance. In an effort to keep this as realistic as possible, I will take actual examples from my life so I may show you, the consumer, all the advantages to these awesome products.

Tag After Hours Body Spray
I’m lying in bed, covered in sweat. A beautiful woman is draped across my body like a flesh cape. She sticks her nose into my ribs, just below my armpit, and inhales deeply.

“Wow,” she says. “You smell so good.”

“I’m sweaty as hell,” I say.

“You still smell awesome,” she says.

The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “If Tag After Hours Body Spray can make a sweaty alcoholic smell good after sex, imagine what it could do for you. Tag. Because you don’t smell that good.”

The George Foreman Grill
I walk out of my kitchen with grilled vegetables and two pork filets on a ceramic plate. I sit down in my living room and begin eating. The football game blares in the background. My guest, a gentleman named Ryan, watches me eating and asks, “Man, did you just make that?”

“Yeah,” I say while shoveling my face full of food.

“That took you like three minutes.”

“Gotta love the Foreman.”

The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “The George Foreman Grill. Because, in this day and age, cooking a delicious meal should not take any time whatsoever. You gotta love The Foreman!”

Cottonelle Toilet Paper
Two guys, Steve and me, are walking in the paper aisle of a grocery mart. Steve grabs an 8-roll pack of Cottonelle.

“You really like that toilet paper?” I ask.

“Oh yeah,” says Steve. “No matter how much Mexican food and Budweiser I suck down in a night, this stuff still feels good in my asshole.”

The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “Cottonelle! Soothing, even when you have raging ass-cramps and liquid diarrhea! Cottonelle. Accept no substitutes.”
I return from a night out, grab a beer from my fridge, turn on my computer, click my mouse a few times, and end up reading my comment box from “A To-Do List for the Women of America.” I laugh heartily. Until I start crying.

The voiceover guy then comes on and says, “Points in case dot com. We’re trying. Really. We mean it.”

Angus Beef
A porterhouse steak cooks on an open flame. I flip it while drinking a beer. In the background, a 311 song plays. A portable television flickers a football game. It’s a beautiful day. The birds are chirping, bikini clad women are playing in the pool and two guys are tossing horseshoes at the far end of the lawn.

The voiceover guy comes on and says, “Beef. Do we really have to advertise this stuff?”