It's another Friday, people. Time to rip a dumb opinion column a new butthole.
This week's dumbass is Bill Plaschke, who wrote a dumb column about an Olympic skier who injured herself. His words are in bold. Mine are covered in tears wept for all that is logical and fair.
The athlete on the stage is talking about playing in pain.
That's because she's in pain
The babe on the website is standing on the side of a mountain in a white bikini and red snow boots.
That's a picture of the athlete, Bill.
The athlete on the stage is talking about dealing with the pressure of a debilitating shin injury and suffocating Olympic hopes.
That's because she's in pain.
The babe on the website is posing seductively in a white fur wrap too small for her chest and hot pants too tight for her bottom.
Again, that's a picture.
Only in American women's sports would these two divergent creatures be the same person. Only at the Olympics would such a mix of messages be celebrated.
No one uses absolutes anymore, Bill. Now, let's address the stupidity in those last two sentences: Bill assumes that only American athletes are attractive and capitalize off of it. And he also assumes that only in America could we celebrate the attractive nature of an injured athlete. "Yeah, the Brazilian Women's soccer team and David Beckham are both on line one for you, Bill. Something about you being a presumptuous, ignorant douchebag. Better pick up."
Meet Lindsey Vonn, the U.S. Olympic team's star skier.
Or is it cover girl?
Wait. It can't be both? "Katrina Witt and Jenny Finch are on line two for you, Bill. Something about you being wrong about everything all the time…"
On a day when Vonn revealed uncertainty whether she can even ski in these Games after suffering a recent deep shin bruise, she exposed a lot more as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
These two clauses have very little (if anything) to do with each other. For example, look at the following: "On a day when Bill Plaschke revealed uncertainty about whether he would ever make a salient point, he exposed the pointed nature of his skull on the cover of Douchebag Magazine." I mean, if someone wrote that, though they would technically be stating two true statements, the existence of said statements would need to be separated by at least a paragraph because, as I may have mentioned, they have nothing to do with each other and therefore do not belong in the same sentence. Bill, I'd like you to meet the English Language. English Language, this is Bill.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were sworn enemies. My bad.
In one moment Wednesday, a woman who has earned a U.S. women's record 31 World Cup victories while enduring everything from a sliced tongue to a battered back was talking about hobbling down Whistler Mountain for her five events.
In one moment, a woman who has paid her dues and been injured a lot while setting World Cup records happened to mention that her leg is in pain.
"It's just managing the pain," she said. "It's a matter of dealing with the pain."
She then added, "And I'm not talking about heartburn from eating too much junk or a suffering from a cramp in your leg from sitting on your fat ass and watching television like Bill ‘Fat Ass' Plaschke." Just kidding, of course. Lindsey would never be that rude. I, on the other hand…
The next moment, she was talking about baring her body for an annual magazine swimsuit issue and website that is famous for its perfect flesh.
One moment, she's talking about one aspect of her career; the next she's talking about another aspect of her career. Fucking crazy.
"It was a wonderful opportunity," she said. "I was honored."
Sadly, she's right. The state of women's athletics in America is such that while success is based on ability, popularity is based on beauty. It's the same at the Olympics, where the only women here who are guaranteed popularity are the ones who compete while wearing dresses.
That is sad. And a total double standard. It sucks. How is that Lindsey Vonn's fault?
If you're not a figure skater and you want to cash in on four years of hard work and somebody asks you to pose for a magazine whose great majority of readers are men, maybe you do it.
Yeah. That or you starve. Because you only get paid by endorsements. Because you're an amateur athlete.
You do it even though hanging out half-naked on pages with skimpy models trivializes your strength and skill.
Does it? I don't see how the firm body of an athlete would trivialize the strength of said body. What do you think, English Language?
English Language: sits in corner weeping, half bottle of bourbon clutched in his right hand.
You do it even though offering up your body as an object for male consumption is diametrically opposed to the female empowerment symbolized by your sport.
Wait? Offering up your body as an object for male consumption? She's in a photo shoot, not a strip club.
It stinks, but you do it.
It stinks making a good chunk of change to be featured in a magazine that showcases some of the most beautiful models in the entire fucking world once a year, but you suck it up and you do it. You rise above the stench of the shame and you say to the world, "That's what I had to do to make money! I didn't like it, but I did it! And as God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"
In Wednesday's pre-Olympic news conference, Vonn's teammates initially embraced her decision.
Later however, they beat the shit out of the decision with socks full of quarters.
"It was awesome, it was great to see Lindsey in a bikini, I'll have to have her sign my copy," said teammate Julia Mancuso, defending gold medalist in the women's giant slalom. "It's really important for all of us to embrace our femininity. It's nice to be appreciated for more than just our sports."
Aww. That is nice.
But later, Mancuso admitted it was "weird" that while Vonn has never won an Olympic medal of any sort, it was Vonn who was on the cover of the Sports Illustrated preview, then later in the swimsuit issue.
Jealous much, Julia?
"It was disappointing . . . when I won my gold medal in Turin, I didn't get a lot of press," Mancuso said. "I didn't get the cover of SI."
But you did pose in Bikinis in like four different magazines so it's not like you actually turned down the opportunity…
Not only that, but during the news conference, even though Mancuso was sitting on Vonn's left, it was as if she didn't even exist, all the cameras and initial questions being focused on the woman with the flowing blond hair and sparkling smile.
Google image Julia Mancuso right now and come back to me when you're done.
Good, now I ask you. What the hell is Plaschke's problem?
"The attitude of our team is that everyone should be promoted," Mancuso said. "So, yeah, it's a little disappointing."
She then added, "I'm hot, too. I'll suck your dick for a Playboy cover shoot."
It's America. Women athletes are granted equal access to fields and funds, but you can't legalize perception. The most famous female athletes are the prettiest female athletes, period.
Wait, perception is illegal? He must have meant that you can't legislate perception? Or something? Anything? Anyone?
English Language: wakes up from drunken stupor, vomits and loads revolver.
The women have their own professional basketball league, but when is the last time you've seen gritty MVP Diana Taurasi doing any commercials? In the last decade, the U.S. women's soccer team has made a lasting impact on many lives, but didn't the fever really start when one of them celebrated a World Cup winning goal by taking off her shirt?
This just in, women's sports are considered inferior to men in many regards by many people. Also, sex sells. You heard it here first, Plaschke fans.
Vonn, with 10 sponsors to feed, posed for the photos because it was good business. A shame, but true, even as her teammates were trying to rationalize the spread as being a great example to . . . children?
Dude, she's in Sports Illustrated, not Playboy. When freaking Nomar Garciaparra posed shirtless on the cover of SI, did you freak out then? Because if you didn't then your standard is a double standard… much like your chin.
"I think it's great, little girls can see a beautiful, athletic, strong powerful female body among all these rail-thin models," Kaylin Richardson said.
So do I, said I.
Um, little girls aren't reading that issue of that magazine. There are lots of other female-centered publications in which Vonn, as well as fellow Sports Illustrated Olympic posers Lacy Schnoor and Hannah Teeter, could have shown off their bodies.
Is Plaschke's problem with the pictures, the magazines they're in, or that these pictures are in the magazines they're in? I don't know what's going on here.
English Language: swallows revolver barrel.
This was not about being role models. This was about earning the respect, and riches, that they would have not received otherwise.
This was not about getting people to look up to you. This was about being respected by people.
English Language: pulls trigger and scatters brains all over alleyway wall; leaves no note.
"Some people say you are objectifying your body," Richardson said. "I think it's more of a celebration."
I think so too, I think.
A woman who could potentially be the Winter Olympics' most decorated athlete will also be its most Googled, by folks who care nothing about her athleticism and everything about her breasts.
Dude, there are much hotter women whose breasts are way better than Lindsey Vonn's and they're all available on the internet and you know… you… fuck it man. I give up. You're beyond hope, Plaschke. You are hopelessly out of touch. There is no hope for you. Why don't you end this column in an asinine fashion so we can just all go home?
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