I was at the mall with my friend today and I realized I haven't bought new cologne since high school. HIGH SCHOOL. Yes, ladies, that familiar scent is me having hooked up with you in the same Hugo or CK Obsession sweetness for the last 9 years. You weren't getting tired of it were you? I don't know how you could, I think I've personally developed an olfactory immunity to both smells.

When I started to think about it, I wondered if not buying a new cologne for 9 years is the same as wearing the same clothes from high school. Does a smell take on a “dated” scent? Can it go “out of style”? Also, since I'm still using the same bottles as I was 9 years ago, am I not wearing enough cologne? I keep thinking if the bottle's not done yet, there's really no reason to buy more. But then I go into my friends' rooms and they have like 10 different colognes. Personally, I don't ever remember going out with guys OR girls and thinking, “GOD, does he/she ALWAYS wear that same fucking cologne?? I can't believe I'm being smelled in public with this person!!”

So, I figured while I was at the mall, maybe I'd plunk down a cool 50 for some new flavor of the decade. I walked over to the giant glass cologne island and was immediately greeted by some emo motherfucker with a square face dressed in all black with matching black-framed glasses who looked like he had just put down an easel he was using to sketch the new Fallout Boy album cover.

“Hi, may I help you with the fragrances sir?” His eyes cocked sort of sideways as if he were trying to bear a bit of his soul for me.

“Hmmm, well, there's just a million of these things huh?” I said.

“Yes, there are quite a few,” he replied, obviously proud of his department store's inventory manager.

“I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to decide which one I want…”

“Well, just take a look around, and let me know if you see anything you'd like to smell.” And then he walked off to continue painting Fallout Boy or something.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I SEE ANYTHING I'd like to SMELL??!? That's like walking into the men's clothing section with your eyes closed and having the associate say, “Well, just take a sniff around, and let me know if you smell anything you'd like to try on.” How bout you just start spraying every single cologne onto a new piece of your little sampling papers (which you no doubt use to roll joints after work) and we'll go around the island until I smell something I like? Or is there something color-coded about the scents I should know? No? What about if I like to rock Gucci apparel? Does that mean I'll smell good in their cologne too? What about this Polo cologne? Is the Polo Black for African Americans and the Polo Blue for when you're feeling especially emo?

No, you know what? Just go back to your easel and I'll go back to my aging 9-year-old colognes. That's how I like my women anyway.


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