Hey Satan, LOVE the column. I've been reading you for a long time, but I've never felt the need to send something in. Until now. Here's the situation. I'm a thirty-year-old mother of 3. I have a loving husband and we have a wonderful house. Or so I thought. Lately, my husband's been leaving on "business" at all hours of the day and night. He comes home too tired to do anything with us, his family. He says he had a rough day at work. I don't know how much longer I can take this, yet I don't want to accuse him of adultery without any proof. What should I do, Satan?

KILL THEM ALL!!!!!!! THEY MUST PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES!!!! KILL YOUR HUSBAND AND BARBEQUE HIS BODY, FEED THE DELICIOUS MEAT TO YOUR CHILDREN!!!!! THEN DROWN YOUR VILE CHILDREN IN THE SINK AND EAT THEIR MEAT AND DRINK THEIR BLOOD TO WASH IT DOWN!!!!!! THEN KILL YOURSELF. THANKS FOR WRITING!

Hello, I'm a male, twenty-two years old. Lately, my mother lost her job and has moved in with me and my girlfriend. She doesn't get along with my girlfriend, but we don't want to be rude and tell her to move out while she's going through a rough time in her life. Our father died when I was 12, so he is not an option.

START SMOKING METHAMPHETAMINE. YOUR MOM WILL MOVE OUT OR START SMOKING METH STEAL MONEY FROM HER, STEAL MONEY FROM YOUR GIRLFRIEND, RAPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND, RAPE YOUR MOTHER, RAPE THE MAILMAN, DIG UP YOUR FATHER'S GRAVE AND RAPE HIM, PUNCH SOME PUPPIES IN THEIR CUTE LITTLE FACES. Problem solved. Hope this helps!

Hey lucifer, my name is kimmie, i am 12. i recently bleed out of my girly place. i am too embareised to talk to my mom about this. and my dad well he would prob just laff @ me. whut is goin on w/ me??? is this normal?

HELLO MY LITTLE KIMMIE DEARIE, LET ME CORRUPT YOUR INNOCENCE. DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH AS MANY BOYZZZ AS POSSIBLE, YOUR PERIOD WILL GO AWAY FOR NINE MONTHS?! NO MORE BLEEDING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, KIMMIE! NO EMBARRASSMENT OR AWKWARD TALKS WITH YOUR PARENTS!

Tune in next week when I help a widowed 90 y/o woman find love by raping teenagers and then throwing them off a cliff, and I solve a young college graduate's financial problems by telling him what Dirty Sanchezes are.


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