It's Memorial Day weekend. To many people, this weekend means barbecues, beach vacations and traffic. To me, however, it means arrests.
I tend to stay inside during Memorial Day weekend. Cops have a tendency to “make with the tickets” a lot quicker over the weekend we spend honoring those who died for our freedom. (I don't know if that's ironic or fitting, but it's true.) And well, I've grown tired of spending this weekend being heavily fined, but there's good news on the horizon as a result. At least, there's good news for those of you who don't mind three thousand word Sports Guy style running diaries.
That's right. Game time will be 2 PM and change (Eastern Standard) and I will be back to update it hourly-ish.
The Cardinals are playing the Nationals.
Don't act like you don't care.
(Seriously, it hurts my feelings.)
2:03 PM
I'm coming to you live-ish, from The Nate Way domicile, otherwise known as the grandest eight hundred square feet of grandeur that ever granded. I'm joined by some cut strawberries (I believe in a diet that includes fresh fruits and vegetables daily? and beer? daily), a six pack of Strongbow English Cider and a dream.
That dream, of course, is that the St. Louis Cardinals can wake the fuck up, smell the HGH and start playing like a real ball club. They've shown signs of life over the past few days so I'm hyped.
Plus, I'm not going anywhere. It's crazy out there. Cops galore. Time for cider numero uno (I'm learning Spanish).
2:05
Message just received from my friend who is a girl who I am intimate with (I need some kind of acronym for her). That message “Hey, I decided to go to the pool instead of partying with Mandy 'cause she gets really crazy when she drinks and I'd end up being gone for three days so I'm at the pool and it's beautiful out! You should come out here, Bubba.”
And yes, occasionally she calls me Bubba, but more to the point, I am so dedicated to this game that I'm just gonna let her bask by the pool while every penis-toting human within eyeshot works like mad to take her home.
I am an idiot, but this is what it means to be a fan.
2:06
First cider of the day. Man.
That's it. Just? man.
2:08
Don Baylor is part of the most boring baseball pregame shows in America. That's kind of special. Also, DC TV just cut away after showing us Albert Pujols talking to one of the Busch Stadium ground crew members, begging the question, are those two talking about dirt?
I'll bet they were talking about dirt.
2:10
Our announcers for this game are Bob Carpenter and Ray Knight. Which means instead of the Cardinal's crappy announcers, I'll get the National's crappy announcers. It's one of those “positive by omission” things I learned about in some class somewhere (it all really is a blur at this point).
2:15
I love it when they let a group of fifth graders sing the National Anthem before the game. I don't know why. Call me sensitive (I dare you).
2:17
Adam “Damn he makes me Nervous” Wainright is on to attempt something close to pitching. Like an abused housewife, he has good days and bad. Let's hope his curveball is working (fine then, I'll hope on my own?jerks).
2:22
Two outs, one on for the Nationals and Bob Carpenter just said, “It's a real glary sky out there this afternoon.”
I love English.
2:25
Wainright strikes out Church with a curveball and I regain faith in humanity. It doesn't take much. I'm a simple man.
2:28
After Taguchi lopes a lil' looper (baseball words are fun) for a base hit, Dmitri Young flubs a two strike foul off the bat of Scott “Soul Patch” Spezio.
2:34
The Nat's pitcher's last name is Chico. I wonder if he had to deal with a lot of Bail Bonds jokes growing up. Anyway, he gets Soul Patch to line out and Pujols to pop out. And then with one on and two out, Juan Encarnacion flies out while Ray Knight lets us know that he has such strong hands because his dad made him do a lot of “ball squeezing.”
Nope. Not going there. Too easy.
2:46
Wainright gets the Nats one two three. He struck out two in that inning. He looks great but I'm worried because he's using all of his pitches the first time through the order. Hopefully, his stuff is good enough to work the second and third time around. Oh, and the plate umpire's helping a little, giving the corner on low changeups and fastballs (and also, calling strike three like Bruce Lee preparing to rip out someone's heart?at least he's having fun).
2:53
Matt Zimmerman's third base error allows the slowest Molina in baseball to reach with one out. Meanwhile, Ray Kinght and Bob Carpenter are about as exciting as brown wrapping paper in a puddle.
Yawn.
2:55
Kennedy pops out. Time for Strongbow numero dos.
3:00
Hey, it's the Gateway Arch! Hi, Arch. Haven't seen the Arch since the pregame. That has to be some kind of St. Louis broadcasting record.
3:03
Phillipe Lopez gets his second hit of the game as Ray Knight makes my earlier point about showing the lineup too much stuff the first time through. It's nice to know that me and Ray are on the same page. Even if he does read slower.
3:04
Belliard just hit a pop fly double that landed between four freaking fielders at once. Two outs, second and third Nationals. And I need whiskey.
3:06
After unscrewing the cap on a bottle of Seven, Wainright gets Zimmerman to pop out and end the inning. I replace the cap. No reason to freak out yet.
3:11
And we're scoreless through three innings.
If any of you out there are having trouble getting to sleep at night (or you know, whenever), I advise you to order a transcript of today's game out of DC. Carpenter and Knight are offering all the charisma of a tall glass of vomit, right now.
I wish someone would tell them they don't have to be boring. I mean, it's not a broadcasting requirement.
Is it?
3:14
Carpenter just wished one of the National's player's mothers good luck on her return from her kidney transplant.
It's been that kind of game.
3:17
Wainright gives up his fourth hit of the game, but it's much ado about nothing as the Cardinals get out of the inning on a popup. Just want to give a big shout out to Dimitri Young's third cousin's father, who recently had a sex change operation and, we're told, is recovering nicely. Get well David, I mean Delilah. We wish all the best for both you and your family from all of us here at the Yawn Network.
3:24
Actual exchange between our two broadcasters:
Knight: Boy that aggravates the dog out of me when we don't get that call with two strikes.
Carpenter: Hot?diggity-dog, you're right.
Sadly, that was their funniest exchange thus far. I feel bad for Nationals fans.
3:28
First and third, two outs for the Cards with Miles up. And Bob Carpenter tells us that he had a bad hair day yesterday thanks to the St. Louis humidity.
The guy's a freaking gem.
Scoreless after four thanks to a Miles flyout.
3:33
Carpenter wants you to know that Bud and Gloria Russel are at the game celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
Aww? wait a minute. What do I give a shit?
I don't know those people.
3:35
After the Yawn network cut away from showing us one huge, hippo herd of a family eating at the concession stand, Ronnie Belliard hits a two out, two run homerun as I utter my first expletive of the game.
About time. It's the top of the fifth.
Oh, and it's really raining hard in St. Louis, which means I have no idea what will happen with this post.
How about that for a cliffhanger?
Okay then, how about plot twist?
Conflict?
3:37
Whatever, they just announced a rain delay. I'll try to be back when it's over, but I make no promises.
Oh and Carpenter wants you to know that “it is really coming down.” You know, in case you expected rain to go up or something.
3:59
Channel 544 just cut off the Yawn Network and put that familiar MLB logo up while playing that familiar “ain't no damn game on right now” song while offering the words: Rain Delay on the bottom of the screen.
And the Indianapolis 500 is rained out as well.
Outside, it's a beautiful eighty-five degrees here in Tampa. And I'm inside.
I need help.
4:38
After an hour and one minute rain delay, Wainright gets Church to end the inning down two to nothing.
I spent the Rain Delay flipping between “The Color of Money” and “Phenomenon” and trying to remember what it was like back when I cared about having a life. Oh, and I'm down a Strongbow.
Go Cardinals.
4:40
Only one word can accurately describe Busch Stadium right now: soggy. It is now Soggy Busch Stadium. Heh heh. Soggy Busch.
4:42
There's standing water on the warning track and another storm possibly coming to St. Louis, which leads Bob Carpenter to expound on the idea that they could be starting this up just to make sure they go five innings so it counts as an official game.
And the Cardinals are losing.
I hate you, Bob Carpenter. I hate you a lot.
4:45
Reliever Saul “call me Sow-ool” Rivera gets a one to three to end the inning and make the game official so no one will have to worry about replaying it.
Baseball is life, baby. Woo freaking hoo!
4:48
Rolen slickly grabbed a popup while Ray Knight babbled on about rain delay conditioning for pitchers.
And yes, he grabbed it slickly. There's no other way to describe it. Don't blame me for this. I'm just the messenger.
4:51
Wainright finishes off the side while Ray Knight babbles on about? you know what? I don't want to relive it. Forget I said anything.
4:55
“The Nationals have an Open Audition to the major leagues for pitchers. Before you get here, you can't believe that you're pitching in the major leagues. Then, you can't believe how busy you are once you get here.”
aaaaaaa–Bob Carpenter (paraphrased)
4:56
Base hit, Soul Patch.
4:57
Pujols doubles. Second and third. Nobody out?
4:59
Encarnacion takes some chin music before hitting a sac fly to score Spezio because Langer whoever's throw sucked. We're within one. One out. Pujols on third.
5:00
What looked to me like a feeble swing at a high fastball looked to Carpenter as a “Big ole Rolen rip.” To each their own and all that.
5:01
Sow Ool strikes out Rolen.
5:02
Yadier flies out and the Cardinals fail to fully capitalize.
I hate it when they fail to capitalize.
Fully.
5:05
Ray Knight thinks Adam Wainright is gonna be a good major league pitcher. I can't tell you how safe that makes me feel.
5:09
Strongbow numero cinco.
5:14
Cards rookie Ryan Ludwig gets a two out double right after Ray Knight described Ray King as “the thickest member of the ball club.”
I mean, that was kinda fun.
5:15
The ball club's thickest member gets out of the inning. So we go to the eighth, Cards down to their last six outs, as an additional downer, they are additionally down two to nothing.
It sucks being down.
Oh, and I only have one beer left.
Please win, St. Louis.
And hurry.
5:18
The Yawn Network just showed footage of Ronnie Belliard getting a facsimile of his World Series Ring for his work with the Cards last year (he's a National now).
Thanks for your help, Ronnie.
(That was kinda fun, too.)
5:23
Reliever Russ Springer starts off the eighth inning by letting the first two men reach first base, and is promptly yanked.
5:25
Oh, and back in like the third inning, Dmitri Young and Scott Rolen collided because Young had the wrong foot on first base. And Young might be hurt or something. And probably, so might Rolen.
5:27
Randy Flores comes into the game just in time to walk the bases loaded.
Nobody out.
Shit.
5:30
Flores strikes out the batter on a wild pitch that yields another Nationals run.
I don't know why I do this diary shit. We hardly ever win when I do this.
5:37
Randy Flores walks Jesus Flores to load the bases again. Langer-whoever is up and ready to do damage.
I need a nap.
5:39
Langerhans (or whoever) rips a grand slam. Cardinals are down by six.
Time for that whiskey.
5:42
As the crowd heads for the exits, I head to my last Strongbow.
Sigh.
5:53
Cards get one run back on a Spiezio homer and go to the ninth down five runs.
And it just occurred to me, I could be having sex right about now.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
6:00
According to Carpenter, the Cardinals demoted Anthony Reyes and called up Troy Cate, who just finished the ninth. Apparently, the Cardinals can't keep a starter who loses eight in a row on the active roster.
It's all politics.
Anyway, we need a five run ninth and I've got pork chops on the skillet. And yes, I feel you need to know that.
6:06
Jim Edmonds up with two outs, ready to end the ballgame.
And the Cards lose 7-2.
That sucks.
6:10
The pork chops were good, though.
Thanks for spending the day with me. I'm taking a nap.